It's all my fault.

This is what an emotionally abused person tells themself over and over again everyday.  This is what I have been repeating in my head all day.  To try and find some clarity I started reading about emotional abuse... the symptoms, the process, characteristics, the cycle and I found this questionaire.  I think it will help me to go through and answer each question for myself.

An abusive partner will railroad discussions, so that you don't have time to think about what's right and what's wrong in their behavior.
Take a moment to consider these questions.  Your partner might have behaved as though these things were okay, even though it's obvious that they aren't okay...:

Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

-I was not allowed to express disappointment or unhappiness although after big blow outs he would tell me that all I had to do was talk calmly to him about it.   Most attempts that I made were thrown back in my face by changing the actual subject that I brought up and flipping it on me.  There is an example of that from my post about "Did I make it through the weekend".

Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?

-Oh man, this is a huge one.  I have been called every name in the book including CUNT.  He once told me that I'm too old to start a family with him (I can't get my "shit" together in time for my eggs to be viable for us to start a family) so he's going to search for a younger woman..... Which he did.  He signed up to a new dating website looking for women 22-28yrs old that week.  He constantly told me bad things his family would say about me (when they had no reason to do so except if they are basing anything off of slanderous comments made by him),  He constantly threatened to break up with me for every reason in the book... I'm not good enough, young enough, not successful enough, he can't see dealing with my bad behavior for the long term.. and on and on and on.

He just recently told me that he thinks about cheating on me when he's mad at me but I should be proud that he doesn't actually do it  and that there is not enough "incentive" to move into a home together.  


Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?

- I can't think of anything.  He was pretty supportive on my out-goingness.  He offended complimented me telling me that I get him to do things that he would never think of doing.  Things as simple as riding to bus in his neighborhood, trying anything new.  He liked that I took him out of his shell and we offen reveled in all the new things that I've gotten him to do over the years. 

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?

- In the 2.5 yrs that we dated I only met 2 of his friends who were male.  I was not allowed to be his friend on facebook or myspace though he frequented the pages often.  He would tell me negative comments his family would say about me making it unbearable and uncomfortable to be around them.  He gave me a nickname when talking to his female friends.  I was called "San Francisco" and they knew that if he said he was in "San Francisco" that I was around and he also told ME that he warned all of his female friends not to contact him while in SF as status updates on his facebook page when he would come to visit me.  I really know nothing about his social life and often brought up that it's weird to think of meeting his friends for the first time AT our wedding.

He also demanded that I stop talking about our fights, issues, problems and anything else about our relationship with my friends and made a strong request to stop hanging out with my friend with whom I dated for a short spell. 

Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?

- No the opposite.  He actually gave me ultimatums about work.  He threatened to leave me if I didn't find a job asap.  I was interviewing but the market was hard.  I got an offer that I decided to turn down. 

Has your partner ever stolen from you?  Or run up debts for you to handle?

-   Not that I know of.

 Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?

-This was a key element in our relationship.  So key I even named it "Shutting me out".  If he were to get mad or caught up on something (even as small as me being on an important phone call at the wrong time)  he would run away and have no contact with me for hours, days, sometimes weeks.  This would put me into a panic where I would try to get him to come back by apologizing or sending him sweet nothings for as long as it took.  There was also this weird aspect that I just started rationally noticing a few months ago where we would be SOOOOO happy and things would be going well and then suddenly I was being "pushy" or "annoying" and he would back off and shut me out.  It seemed like it happened if I gave him TOO much attention.  So I was always on this yo-yo of HOW MUCH attention to give him.. Too little would cause him to freak out and too much would cause him to push me away.   He also has manic highs and manic lows that come out of the blue.  He would NEVER go see a doctor about it so I asked my psychiatrist about over the counter supplements for Bi-polar disorder.  She recommended a few and told me what NOT to take (SAMe can have dramatic negative effects on a bipolar person).  He took the supplements thinking they were good for his mind, heart and general health.  I noticed a dramatic change in his mood swings and it was very obvious when he had not taken them.   So I would just say... go on honey don't forget your supplements!  I want you to be healthy!

Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?

- Sometimes.  Especially when he was going home or I was leaving his house.  Didn't want to leave him unsatisfied which would cause issues and arguements about his needs being fulfilled OR EVEN WORSE getting on a dating website or running to one of his secret flirtatious female freindships (like the one he had with me when he dated his last serious girlfriend)

Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?

- Constantly.  Trapped emotionally and physically.  An example of physical entrapment is in my post "I will contact you when I contact you"  I was so petrified of losing him.  If we ever broke up he would NEVER talk to me again.  I still don't want that and am  I'm still petrified of that.  Even after our wouds were healed he would still want me completely out of his life.
 
His emotional traps were ingenious.  One example:  I can't accuse him of going onto a dating website unless I have solid proof... but if I printed his profile with login dates and times I was stalking him and crazy.  

I have a billion example of feeling trapped.


Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?

-He kicked my bathroom door into pieces once after locking himself in my bathroom while I was trying to get him to come cuddle to sleep with me.  He mad about something stupid and I was begging him to come to bed and we could talk about it in the morning.

Are you afraid of your partner?

-Yes.  I was scared to do anything to upset him.  I was scared of his threats to leave and would do anything to calm him down.  These threats to leave really felt like a control mechanism.  They were always followed with a "you need to change this" or "you can't do this" or "you need to stop this" and I would conform because of my fear of losing him.
 

That was heinous!  I'll probably add to this when my mind is cleared if I remember more.  I feel like I'm a complaining baby!

The Cycle of Abuse we definitely followed verbatum.  This is the cycle that I was concerned about repeating yesterday.

The Process I am familiar with not only from the Prince but CEDU and Brent.  I have underlined in bold everything that resonates with me only about Prince Charming.

THE PROCESS OF BRAINWASHING
(MIND CONTROL)

1. The brainwasher keeps the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place.

Your partner might control your finances, make plans for you, or not tell you what his plans areuntil the last minute.  He may talk about you to others behind your back, to isolate you from them.

2. The brainwasher controls the victim's time and physical environment, and works to suppress much of the victim's old behavior.  The victim is slowly, or abruptly, isolated from all supportive persons except the brainwasher.

Your partner might have insisted that you stop certain social, hobby, or work activities.  You might have gotten moved to a new location, farther away from your family and friends.  Or you may have been asked (or told) to reduce or stop contact with specific supportive people in your life.

3. The brainwasher creates in the victim a sense of powerlessness, fear, and dependency.

Verbal and emotional abuse creates these emotions, and they become stronger and stronger over time.

4. The brainwasher works to instill new behavior and attitudes in the victim.

Your partner trains to you behave in ways that he wants you to behave.  He gradually makes you feel differently about yourself, and erodes your confidence in yourself. 


5. The brainwasher puts forth a closed system of logic, and allows no real input or criticism.

In other words -- What he says, goes.




And now for Characteristics.  From what I know about the Prince I will underline in bold all characteristics that apply to him.

* He was verbally abused as a child, or witnessed it in his own family.

* He has an explosive temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments.

* Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous.  They experience an intense desire to control their mates.

* His sense of masculinity depends on the woman's dependency upon him.  He feels like a man only if his partner is totally submissive and dependent on him.

* Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people.   Their primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with their wife/girlfriend.

* He has low self-esteem.

* He has rigid expectations of marriage (or partnership) and will not compromise.  He expects her to behave according to his expectations of what a wife should be like; often the way his parents' marriage was, or its opposite.  He demands that she change to accommodate his expectations.

* He has a great capacity for self-deception.  He projects the blame for his relationship difficulties onto his partner.  He would not be drunk if she didn't nag him so much.  He wouldn't get angry if only she would do what she's supposed to do.  He denies the need for counseling because there's nothing wrong with him.  Or he agrees to get counseling and then avoids it or makes excuses to not follow through.  He might not want her to get counseling because, he reasons, she wouldn't have any problems if she only turned to him.

* He may be described as having a dual personality -- he is either charming or exceptionally cruel.  He is selfish or generous depending on his mood.

* A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others.  He can be cool, calm, charming and convincing:  a con man.

* The mate is usually a symbol.  The abuser doesn't relate to his partner as a person in her own right, but as a symbol of a significant other.   This is especially true when he's angry.  He assumes that she is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other -- often his mother.

And Projections ARE valid.  He would project ALL of this onto me everyday.

All I can say is WOW.  I need a break.

And let the games begin....

Well that was the FASTEST turn around.  Yesterday he is threatening to call the cops on me if I'm not our of his apartment by 11am and today I get....
"

a: I don't know why you're sticking to this ***** thing you know that just turns me on. :)

yes you have the memory of an elephant. Thank god because I can't remember anything if it's not written down. But good memory aside, you're also the score keeper in this relationship. we both know what that will do in a relationship. Score keeping tears a relationship apart because no one will ever be equal within the relationship at the same time. Someone will always be ahead and someone will always be behind. But somehow the scorekeeper usually stays ahead for the majority of the relationship. Why is that? Why is scorekeeping so important? Why isn't me just being completely in love with you enough to get through times of doubt?

 
And here it starts.  His attempt to keep my wounds open for whatever reason.   To keep the door open while he thinks of an even better story to cover up his actions and keep me emotionally involved.

It's not that I "keep score".  I am very observant and I pay attention to small details.   I don't even know what to type about this blurb he wrote because it's empty.  There is nothing there but an attempt to keep me in the game by sweet talking me.  I'll move on.

He started this initial communication today with,

"If you wanted out you just had to say so.  You didn't need to start a fight"

This is a manipulation to make me responsible for our demise.  To take the attention off of him.   I wanted out so I started a fight about nothing to use as my excuse.  NO.  This is not what happened and you can see that very clearly if you read my last post.  He got caught doing something wrong and doesn't want to own it.  So why not try to confuse me into thinking it was my fault because I intended it to happen all along.  I did not intend to see booty call texts in his phone.  I clearly stated that I wanted to be proven wrong.  I did not want him to hide phone calls and texts from me.  I DID NOT want him to tell me to produce solid proof or shut the fuck up.   The Prince is an expert at diversion.  So here I am.  And I'm feeling very defensive right now which means that it's having an effect on me!

NOOOOOOO!!!!

He has sent me about 15 emails.  I will not read them because the inaccuracies are so astounding that it begs me to respond but I don't want to get all mixed up in a "he said she said".  This will only confuse me further!

The facts are that he needs to cop out and come clean with any and all lies, manipulations and games before I even think about opening those emails.  I can feel the games beginning again and I really need to break this cycle!!    

I have sent him this response.

"If you want to cop out and come clean to all your games lies and manipulations I am willing to read all this and chat with you..  Take your time.  If you have any questions about dates and times and what you made ME believe was going on I'll let you know.  I Have the memory of an elephant.

Otherwise,  I AM DEAD TO YOU"

I cannot go another round and get all emotionally tied up to fall into the same pattern as these issues get tucked under the rug again.  I can already feel myself getting confused.  He is blowing up my email right now with witty little cutsie inside jokey responses to my email.

I am going to use all I have to stick to my guns.  All I ask for in a relationship is Honesty, Transparency and Loyalty.  I am dead to him if he can't come clean with all he's done.

I had more on my mind but I'm so confused right now I'll have to continue later.  I do know that this is a scary feeling that I'm going through right now.  I'm calm and not upset.  This is the feeling I get when we start the cycle over.  My panic of saying goodbye goes away.  I shouldn't be feeling this calm right now and I'm afraid that his manipulations have worked on me.


I NEED STRENGTH!

Did I make it through the weekend?

So I'm back and although I did make it through the weekend of my events, Prince Charming and I DID NOT make it through the weekend.  We broke up.

We have broken up many times before (it's one of his fav threats!) but this time it is for real.  I had some information about his behaviour that I knew would be the end all if he knew I knew... ..  Well.. I couldn't keep it in anymore and now he knows I know and we are done.  No turning back.

This weekend was a whirlwind of every problem we have ever had packed into 5 days of sucking it up to get through my events.  Well.. t-minus 1 minute post the last event I blew a gasket.  I divulged some peices of this information that I knew and it was over.  It was hard to keep it all in so that my work environment would run smoothly..   It felt like when a women is in labor and the baby's coming and there's not turning back.  It was time.

Prince has a habit of secretly texting and hiding things on his computer.  If I need to use his computer he'll either put me on a "spaces" page that he never uses or clears his private data and history before he hands the computer over.   He has an addiction to dating websites that we had tried to get a handle on.... he just got smarter about which ones he chose to sign up with and deleted all the accounts I knew about.  I knew it was still going on but I keep chanting that ignorance is bliss as long as he's not communicating with anyone.  But honestly.. how would I know.

So we went to dinner one night and we had a heart to heart where I explained to him how hurt I was when he logged onto one of these sites in his living room while I was sleeping in his bed, another time in my kitchen when I was taking a shower at MY house, the times he would log on 20 mins after dropping me off at the airport and most importantly when we were fighting about my age and having children he signed up for a new website seeking women between the ages of 22-28.  It wasn't confrontational.. just polite chit chat about our past as he was telling me how much he loves me and how he doesn't feel like he has to sacrifice himself for me and how far we've come.

So I just threw it out there  "Well I would hope that we are past the dating website stuff".. ..... ...... um yeah.... he started laughing and nuzzling me saying "oh yeah... yeah of course.. haha"

Obviously we are not past the dating website stuff.

So the next day his text message alerts are going off all day.  He won't check his phone in front of me but rather waits for me to be in a different aisle at the grocery store or on the other side of the car or and then quickly looks and responds.  I'm really annoyed by this.  I don't like secrets.  He knows it looks suspicious when he does this.  This is something that we have talked and talked and talked about.

So then later in the evening his phone rings and he refuses to answer it in front of me.   A short time after that he goes to the laundry to put the clothes in the dryer and sneakily swipes his phone to take downstairs with him (It was not in an obvious place for him to grab it)  So I tell him immediately that it is OK to take his phones calls in front of me and that it's WEIRD when he hides shit like that from me!  We get into an argument about me being nosy and that I "better have solid proof that he is doing something bad before I accuse him of it!"

He's a big "show me" guy.  If you can't SHOW HIM then it does not exist or never happened.  Since I always have to PROVE what I am talking about or shut the fuck up,  I had taken it upon myself to start documenting things just in case I am cornered into "SHOWING HIM".

So I take everything I said back and agree with him putting on my smile and apologizing for the billionth time for something that I really shouldn't have.

What he does not realize is I do have proof.. the bit of information that I'd been holding onto for over a week.  But I'm not ready to share.  I still have an event the next day to get through and I know this information will end our relationship.

Back to my mantra... Just make it through the weekend... Just make it through the weekend.....

So what is this information I have?  Well, I'm not exactly proud of how I got it but an exercise is being snoopy when doubts are flying is sometimes key in protecting ones stability.  I snooped.  That's right.  I did it.  My first time snooping into his phone and all I wanted was to be proven wrong.  When he was at my house and sleeping I looked through his texts messages and I found some stuff that was rather upsetting so I took pictures of it. 

The texts are from last week to and from a close female friend goes as follows......

(the first one is cut off but says something to effect of "what are you doing tonight") 7:22pm


Nada lot. You?  7:38pm


Hopefully You  7:40pm


I got no response :(   8:03pm


Ok well let me know if you are home and down  8:21pm


Where did you go   10:09pm


On my way   1:15am


So where are you   1:20am

On my way  1:28am



I'm not at home  1:38am

So how does 4:30 sound to you?  1:19pm the next day



(2 days later)


Hey cutie what are you up to tonight?  6:37pm


in san fran   6:39pm  (at my house btw)


Well poo on you  6:41pm


I am having surgery tomorrow just wanted a friend to hangout with  6:43pm

I don't really know what all these texts mean but I do know they are from the same exact female friend that he refused to answer in front of me.  Someone he claims to have not seen in over a year... ugh (changing his answer)..  ugh he didn't really know but a long long time.  Suspicious?  Umm YEAH and not only that these texts are totally inappropriate being in a committed relationship!  But I bite my tongue knowing I have a long day the next day and really don't need any drama.

Well after my event I was a little tipsy and we got into again.  He said I needed to prove it to him so I did.  I pulled out my camera and started reading the texts off.  He instantly said that I had crossed a line and we were over.  To pack up my stuff in the morning and leave.  When I woke up he gave me until 11am to vacate his apartment or  he would call the police.

So we are done.  Over over over.

So I did make it through the weekend... our relationship or what was at least left of it did not.

"I will contact you when I contact you"

The words that were angrily spoken to me over the phone last night before I was told to "shut the fuck up"

Prince Charming is exercising his right to deny my existence.  An exercise of control.  "What I said is how it is.  DONE"

So... I patiently wait for contact....  not to push or ask for communication because that would upset the Prince and the Monster would come out and attack me.

I can't have that happen.  I have to drive down to stay with him tomorrow for work.  Interestly enough this is a pattern that is always transparent and obvious yet no easier to deal with each time it happens.  Whenever I am somehow dependent on him he "exercises" some "right" and puts me in a corner where he then puts demands on me.  If the demands aren't met we go down the same vicious spiral again.  He threatens to leave me... I try to hold the balls I used to have.. I give in cause it's easier to meet his demands temporarily and calm the monster down.. all so I can get through whatever it is that I have committed to that involves me being (even just slightly) dependent on him.  He has threatened to leave me twice in the past 4 days....

Christmas at the cabin with his family 2009- he blew a gasket the night before threatening to leave me because I wasn't "good enough for him".  Plane ticket bought and family expecting me.  I went feeling like I had a gun to my head.  I had committed to see his family and if I didn't show up we would never speak again.  If I went I would have to suck it up and put on that smile.  I obviously chose the latter and it was the most heinous Christmas ever!


Work Meetings where his uncle lives- My business partner and I had meetings out of town and his uncle lived in the area (who I rather like BTW) so we planned to stay with him.  He's quite a lonely man and I knew he would enjoy the company.  The night before he told me how his uncle doesn't trust me.  He didn't just say "Uncle L doesn't trust you".  He went on a tirade about how terrible I am and at then end stated very seriously with great concern and anger that "Uncle L didn't TRUST me" repeating it over and over again until it was very clear that UNCLE L DOES NOT TRUST ME!   This is a serious accusation for me.  I have done absolutely nothing for Uncle L to not trust me.  It was SO awkward when we showed up at his house that we were happy to have to go to work all day.  We contemplated staying at a hotel.. but I knew this would offend Uncle L regardless of what Prince Charming has said.  Uncle L is very sensitive and I was NOT going to be THAT person.  And even if I had.. it would again be the nail in my coffin that would end in us never talking again.  So I sucked it up and smiled.  Luckily they had quite a few drinks while we were gone and the tension had gone away.

I can give examples of this behavior any and EVERY time that I have some dependency on him to complete something that is important to me in my professional or private life.

I know this sounds silly but it's pretty serious.  I do have the choice to stay at a hotel for my work tomorrow... and I've contemplated it many times.  IF I were to do that... we would never speak again.  He would leave and I would never hear from him or see him again.  Harsh.  Giving up a long term friendship and knowing I would never have that person in my life again even as a friend scares me.(we've know each other for 20 yrs and been very close for over 5)

So I guess the lesson here is don't put myself in the situation EVER again to be any way shape or form dependent on him while I figure all this other stuff out.

My Mantra :  Just get through the weekend... Just get through the weekend....

Wish I had started this years ago.... Or at least 3 weeks ago when I was locked out of a hotel room at 3am.

So.  I am currently in a severly emotionally abusive relationship.   I am starting this blog to sort through the confusion, manipulations, verbally abusive statements and emotional traps that I experience from day to day to day to day and today.  Hopefully I will be able to fit my puzzle pieces back together and find the strength to stop this insanity.

I wish I had started this years ago.  I guess now is better than never.