Forgive them Father for they know not what they do.

I have been throwing around the idea of Forgiveness in my head for the past few weeks.

I had watched this TV show about a man whose son shot him and his wife in the head multiple times. The father survived. He was filled with pure hatred for his son for the next several years until he made a decision.... He could either live with this intense anger which was making his life miserable or he could forgive. He chose to forgive.

The Princes actions and all the reasons for the demise of our relationship are painful memories for me. Emotional abuse is a tricky beast. The severity of emotional wounds are hard to gauge for the outsider. They are very personal to the individual that suffers from them and can be extremely painful and confusing due to the impossible nature of documenting the injury. They are not physical bruises that you can take pictures of and show to people that can empathize with physical pain. They are complex in nature and can have devastating effects on ones perception of themselves and their world.

The Prince devastated me over and over again knowingly doing things that he knew were going to cause me emotional pain. Things that I had made very clear to him how much it would hurt and how devastated I would be if he continued many of these behaviors. There was nothing I could do to stop him. I begged and pleaded for him to stop and try to empathize with myself and others about the way his actions effect the people around him. I do not think he is capable of empathy. There is something in his psyche that does not allow him to share that particular emotional human experience.

This had always made me sad while we were just friends, in our relationship and even now.

Once on iChat while him and his soon to be ex were trudging through their breakup he put her on speaker phone while she was hysterically crying. He sat on the other end of the camera smiling at me as if he was showing me a funny youtube video. I was so appaulled by this I abruptly told him I wanted no part of it and hung up the iChat call. I felt bad for her. Humiliated for her. I was in disbelief that someone could be so cruel with another persons pain.

I am sure he has done similar things to me during our difficult moments together.

Similarly after our last break up he contacted multiple of our mutual friends trying to spread slander me to anyone that would listen. These are people he never talks to. One of our friends actually contacted me very concerned about what he had told her about my mental health. She struggles with real mental hardships and was told that I struggled with the same ones. I don't and I was horrified that he would take something that someone REALLY struggles with and use it against me. I was disgusted with the insensitivity and selfishness of the entire situation! It truly made me see him in a new light. A very dark light. I apologized to her on his behalf.

The reality is that I don't think he even realizes what he is actually doing. He truly has no concept of the human experience as a normal caring empathetic person would. Very similar to someone with Autism having no concept or understanding of sarcasm. I don't think he understands how deeply he effects people or how he projects himself onto the world.

I am a very emotional person that empathizes with the world pretty intensely. Maybe it's because I'm a mother? Or maybe it's just an inherent trait that I have. I don't like people to hurt. I don't like to hurt people. When people are hurting I feel compelled to do whatever I can to help them feel better. When I hurt people I hurt myself and feel the need to fix it. For whatever reason he does not possess this quality. His world is about him.

That's who he is.

I am hurt. I have been betrayed. I have been emotionally abused by this man and I'm not asking a lot from him. All I really want is acknowledgement of the behavior and a sincere apology. This is absolutely impossible if he does not recognize how he actually behaves.... so I am left with a choice. Hang on to my hurt and anger or forgive.

I wrote this about two months ago ,

"If you will not admit to your faults and indiscretions in your waking life may you suffer nightmares bleeding with the emotional woes you have forced onto others and on your death bed may you plead for forgiveness only to hear silence."


That is pure hatred.  I have such a great life full of great people why would I hold onto such disdain when I could be enjoying the positive parts of my world?  Why would I keep my heart locked up with this emotion when I could be opening it up to someone who will truly embrace all the love that I have to share?

I truly loved this man and I wish he could have opened himself up to receive the abundance of love that I offered to him.  I feel very sorry for him that he did not get to really experience how I felt about him and everything I actually did for him... how deeply in love I was.   It's a shame and he doesn't even realize it.  He doesn't even know what his actions have done and what he has lost.

I will attempt to practice this "forgiveness" and open my heart up again.  Maybe I will find someone who will share my core values and truly embrace me.

Forgive him Father for he knows not what he does.

Free in NYC

I feel so relieved to be out of that abusive controlling relationship. Just got home from a seriously stressful long but awesome trip from New York for a fundraiser and Board retreat. If I was still in that living hell the trip would have been entirely different for me. I feel so lucky that my chains were severed so I could enjoy the people I spent the week with without added drama and rules.

Oh the rules. So many rules! I felt free and I did what I wanted without having to ask permission or constantly check in with someone to make sure "they" were ok.

Ahhhhh..... Feels good.

Still accepting apologies.

Circus of silence down at our feet
Paper cut tigers starting to bleed
Hang from your tightrope above the mess
Just say you're sorry, no more no less
Words you won't use, you don't feel them like I do
Show will be over soon

It's not the curtain closing causing us to call it a day
I want to walk away too
But I want you to say you are sorry
I'm not the one who went and made a mistake
I want to walk away too
But I want you to say you are sorry

I used to believe that the storybook's true
Now I don't need it, at least not with you
So if you see him, the man 'neath the mask
Tell him I'm leaving and not looking back
Words are no use, you don't need them like I do
Show will be over soon

It's not the curtain closing causing us to call it a day
I want to walk away too
But I want you to say you are sorry
I'm not the one who went and made a mistake
I want to walk away too
But I want you to say you're sorry

I want the one word that you refuse to say to me
You're so good at giving me responsibility
I wash my hands clean and let you watch me as I go
I'm sorry for you, just so you know

It's not the curtain closing causing us to call it a day
I want to walk away too
But I want you to say you are sorry
I'm not the one who went and made a mistake
I want to walk away too
But I want you to say you're sorry

Beware the false motives of others.

So the Prince decided to contact me today in the form of a sassy comment to my last sassy blog post.  Why?  Who knows.  One particularly interesting coincidence is that our abuse cycle was about three months long and it's been about three months since we've had contact.

Let's go over some of these posts.

Anonymous said... 

"I haven't read your blog. I read parts of it, at least until it gets so far out into outer space it doesn't make sense anymore. Most of it are pieces of our past, but by no means an accurate account of what actually happened. Just pieces of a puzzle that you've arranged in a way to make me out to be a horrible person in your life. "Piecing my Puzzle" is a great way to say "Making up my own story" though. Nice one!"

Obviously he's reading only what he wants to read OR once the reality of what actually happened doesn't fit into his fairy tale memory he had a mental block that does not allow him to see how truly hurtful and abusive he really was to me.  If what I write makes you look like a "horrible person" in my life it's because what YOU DO makes you look like a "horrible person" in my life......

I am still accepting apologies.

Anonymous said... 


"BTW no need to post names at 2am."

This is true.  I had originally put up his name... mind you for the first time in the lifetime of this blog and I took it down as soon as a I could.    I never intended to use his real name in this blog so I remedied the mistake.  Sorry about that Prince.  Won't happen again.

This is not a hate fest... It's a means for me to unravel the manipulations that I have endured for years.  A documentation of things that I experienced that I can refer to when I get caught up in the spider webs of years worth of mind games. I have many many knots to unravel.

Anonymous said... 





"It’s unanimous; I definitely dodged a bullet when I broke up with you. I don't care whether your friends and family think I'm attractive or not, that's lame of you to say that. Once again I've wasted my life engaging in another dialogue with you. signing off."

Unanimous.   Hmm..  By who?  All of the friends I was never allowed to meet that know nothing about me except the slanderous information the Prince gave them?  Their opinions are of no consequence to me.

Let's get one thing straight here.  The Prince did not break up with me.  I was trying to leave for weeks before we had our final blow out.  I started this blog a week before we broke up so I could have some clarity when I did pull the plug.  I did not want it to be a big blow out and I did not need any drama while running events blocks away from his house.  You can even read in my second post about how I was thinking about staying in a hotel but didn't want to have the drama that it would cause ultimatley effecting my events.  I actually didn't make the decision to stay with him until I was down the street from his house.  It was that hard of a decision to make.

I was trying to find some peaceful ground so we could still be friendly after the fact.  Why did the big blowout happen?  I spent three days in a living hell with him where I had to not only play his stupid games to get through the weekend of my events but also suck up any dignity I had, let him go off on me and force me to apologize for stuff that didn't even happen just to keep the peace for the last few days.  I had swallowed so much pain at that point that as soon as the last piece of inventory was put back into my car I WAS DONE!

Let's go over a list of things that happened over those few days.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and it's hard for me keep secrets.  Thursday night while I was yes intoxicated... it slipped out.  I told the Prince that I was not sure if I wanted to do this with him anymore.

Friday ALL DAY he was secretive about text messages and phone calls to the point where he would sneak down to the laundry room to make a call.  Sneaking to other grocery store aisles to send his secret texts... and entire day of this crap.  When I told him that this behavior made me uncomfortable and I would prefer he just act normal he lost it!  Told me if I didn't have solid proof to not accuse him of?  I dunno of what?  I wasn't accusing him of anything at that moment.  I was asking him to stop acting weird and secretive.....  So I forced myself to apologize even though I had done nothing wrong.  I let him bitch me out and I took the blame.  So frustrating because I knew I had the pictures of his booty call texts and sex websites.  But I sucked it up knowing I had one more event to get through.

At dinner we had a DMT out in front of the restaurant where he went from saying to me "I really feel like I don't have to change for you".. to "I think about cheating on you when I'm mad at you"  then onto teling me about all of his alias's while not allowing me to see his stack of credit cards with different names on them!  I told him if I'm not allowed to know something about your life DON'T talk about it with me!  Games games and more games!

We later had another DMT where I discussed with him that I felt like he emotionally and verbally abused me.  This is a conversation that I had had with him maybe 4 or 5 times since April.  He seemed to have listened but was quite intoxicated.  Obviously heard none of what I said anytime we had that conversation.

Saturday came and I ran the event with him.  He is always very helpful during my events.  But still acting strange with his phone.

You have to realize that I had spent years having to deal with all of these stupid behaviors.. I was at my whits end!

These are all emotional games and traps that he set up for me.  I WAS DONE!   Car door closed,  he yelled at me the night before to give him proof... That's exactly what I did.  Bee-lined it back to his apartment to SHOW HIM exactly what he has done.  These things hurt me to my core and he knew it.

I wish I had handled it better but there is only so much a person can take.

Now how about this last statement he says..."Once again I've wasted my life engaging in another dialogue with you. signing off."

Seriously?  It's MY FAULT you contacted me today?  It's MY FAULT that you wasted time trying to start a DIALOGUE with me?!?!  What "DIALOGUE" is he talking about?  His first snooty comment stating,  "Well.... I'm glad to hear you're thinking about me :) " ????????!?!?!?

That is just a snooty comment to a snooty blog post!  That is no "DIALOGUE".  I didn't ask you to post a comment on my blog today?!

Putting the responsibility on me again.  It's all my fault.  Stupid.

All of these stories are already written in the bulk of this blog.. most in more detail than here.  The end is that I wanted out... I was trying to do it peacefully but was thrown into a corner of master manipulations and emotional and verbal abuse.  He lives in his pretty world of make believe where he is the victim and holds no responsibility what so ever for the things that happen in his life.  If it helps him sleep at night and get through the day... more power to him!  Why he does this in all of his relationships and other aspects of his life?  He will only be able to figure that out when he chooses to reveal reality to himself.  For now his motives will be unknown to us and him,

  All I know is that I will not be caught up in the web of lies deceit and emotional manipulation any longer.

My mom hates you too Prince Charming.

And I've been told a lot lately by friends and family that you are unattractive.

Can't wait til this haze of manipulation has passed and  I can see as clear as they do.

Men who lack conscience will even lie to themselves

Just like a stated in my post "Emotional Trap/Control Game : Operation Broken Ribs"
there were many instances where the Prince would think something was going on... react about it... dwell on it and then believe it so much that he would turn it into his reality.

I never knew what it was about me being in a weakened state that made him become so aggressive to me but it happened all the time.  Almost like he couldn't handle being my support during an emotionally rough patch so he would see me as defective and push me away.

The example about me taking the pain meds is a good example of this behavior.  He was SO convinced that I was being a crazy bitch because I was on pain pills that he yelled at me, called me names, hung up on me and shut me out for almost a day.  What actually happened was The second I told him what the doctor said about the x-rays he became emotionally aggressive to me and made up this story and used it against me pushing me away and shutting me out.  I was NOT on my pain meds.   I was not going to take my pain meds that night because I had a couple glasses of wine and the pills have acetominophen in them.  I will NOT drink on acetominophen.    But it didn't matter what the truth was.  Once he decided that I was on pain meds it was over.  GAME OVER!  In his reality I was fucked up on drugs and being a bitch and there was NOTHING I could do to make him see the reality. 

This happened often.

Our First Break-up
The first time we broke up he blames it on ... again.... me being on a pill and acting crazy.  This is not what happened at all.  We were already having problems that stemmed from his dating website accounts and compulsive lying.  We had only been dating three months and It was already getting ugly.  I have written that he is a "show me" guy and an expert at emotionally manipulating me off the subject at hand and railroading any discussions to turn it back onto me and defocus the "issue".  This type of treatment can become very confusing to the person it is directed towards.  I was confused.  I started writing a diary much like this blog to try to figure it all out.  I had notes about times and dates he would log into dating websites that I knew about and other information that would help me see what was really going on.  I am a data taker.  I studied science for 15 years.

We got into an arguement that night and he attempted to railroad me so I pulled out the book and showed it to him to SHOW HIM that what he was saying was incorrect.  He was busted.  He packed up his bags, walked out of my house with no discussion and didn't talk to me for over 5 months.  He had made up his mind that I was psychotic when in reality I showed him proof that what he was thinking was not reality.    He still believes this story he made up about me being crazy on pills.

The Monster:
I ended a 20 year long best friendship with someone who I will call "The Monster".  We starting butting heads and she has a habit of slandering people close to her.  She has burned bridges with every close old friend she has ever had and I was the last to go.  That's all.  It was time to let that unhealthy relationship go.

The Prince came after me one night stating that the reason why me and the Monster are no longer friends is because I caught her cheating on her boyfriend with another woman, took pictures of it and tried to sabotoge and blackmail her with them.  WHU?!  Never happened.

I don't even know how he came up with this one! He doesn't even know this person!

But you can see how creative he is!!


Hotel room:
 He started a fight because I wanted to go back to the hotel room where he eventually locked me out because he THOUGHT I was upset at him looking at a girl.  Never happened.  I was tired and wanted to go rest.

For the detailed story.... Please refer to I Deserved This.

"He knows me":

I heard this from him ALL THE TIME... ,"I know you and......"  fill in the blank with an insane story that seriously came out of left field.. some of these "I know you" stories were so strange it was actually scary!  Accusing me of things that not only never happened but he was not even around or knowing of any part of the situation!

Example:  One of the last ones he said was "I know you and you broke up with lots of boyfriends like this like George and Greg"

WOAH!!!!!  George and I had a decent break up with a pretty calm decision to not date anymore and we even hung out for the month following completing plans that we had made before the break up... and Greg?!  He begged me to come to Indiana with him so we could marry !!  It was a very difficult time between us while I made the decision to give up our love to keep my son in this area!!  WHU?!  He is comparing what to what?!  It's insane.

He used to tell me stories about myself that um.... NEVER HAPPENED!  But that doesn't matter.. As soon as he gets it in his head that something happened a particular way he 100% believes it.  Sometimes if he just says it enough he will 100% believe it.  Take the example of when he accused me of stealing his phone and texting Tiff and Brit!?  NEVER HAPPENED!!  He had just told enough people that that's how it went down that he 100% believed it!  Enough to tell ME about it!  It's CRAZY!!!

For the detailed story.... Please refer to ....and the crazy gets even crazier!!!!

He truly lives in his own delusional world.

Are you mad at me?

This is something I asked four plus times a day.   He was always mad at me for something.

When he is in deep thought he bites his upper lip and gets very quiet.  Whether his thoughts were about work or he was coming up with some reason to be mad at me I never knew.... so when I saw biting lip my knee jerk reaction was to ask "Are you OK?"  "Are you mad at me?" "Please come back to me"

Old notes... Old thoughts... same old shi.....

So I am a note taker.  When I feel confused about something I write down how I am feeling so I can look back at it later and try to sort through it.  Sometimes if I'm in the car or not in my office I will find anything to write these notes on.  In the car I may find a scratch piece of paper and scribble down the notes at a stop light.

As I was organizing my office I found a newspaper with my scribble on it.

Obviously I was trying to work something out in my head and this newspaper was the only thing to write on while I drove and didn't want to lose my thoughts.

Now what does this scribble actually say?  Let's take a look.

"Think 3rd time shut out as of today in 8 days"
"Uncomfortable around him"
"Gonna behave irradic"
"tends to flip quickly between these emotions and I can put a smile on"
"typically happens before events we are involved in together"
"Patterns?  who knows"
"would like to meet ?(can't read name)  up to him and his maturity level"
"Prefer to let nature takes it's course"

So I'm reading this and I know I scribble my feelings down all over the place as they come so I can organize my thoughts at a later time and I saw the same old issues that we always dealt with.  Shutting me out, Irradic emotions, me smiling through, wanted to meet someone that he wouldn't let me and me trying to see where all of this was taking me.

I looked at the date and it said September 14th.  I was like..... woah that newspaper looks old for just last month and why would I be writing these comments if we broke up in August.  A closer look..  This newspaper is from September 14th, 2009.  I was dealing with the same old shit last year.  A big long year of this shit.  Same shit through all the years we dated.

Just an interesting find while cleaning up my workspace.

You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love
I loved the most

I learned to live, half alive
And now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are
Runnin' round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are
I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live, half alive
And now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are
Runnin round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises

And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

Who do you think you are
Runnin' round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
And who do you think you are?
Runnin round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?

I am SO happy he is not around for this!

Post op number two went perfectly!  I am healing perfectly and feeling pretty awesome.

Two weeks of procedures and surgeries have come and gone and now I just have to finish healing.  I can't smoke still and cannot do anything that increases my heart rate including sex.  Bummer.    BUT at least the Prince is not around!  He would be making my life miserable!  No sex?  He would not have that!

Post surgery was actually quite more difficult than I had imagined it to be with the drainage tube and the over pain and uncomfortableness of not showering for over and week with yucky bandages and I repeat that dam tube!  The day before I got that yanked out of my chest I really started feeling violated by it and my week old bandages.  VIOLATED!!  haha.

But as hard as it was I smiled every time I thought about how much worse it could be.  I could still be in that manipulative world of hell getting ripped new assholes, told how horrible I am and getting threats to leave the entire time.  But I did not have to suffer through that while I suffered through my physical pain and it really did put a huge smile on my face.  I finally had a sense of relief.  The sense of relief that I have been waiting to feel.

I wrote but never posted this a couple days after my surgery, 10/3/2010

"While I am going through this heinous healing process.  I don't even want to  contemplate that kind of emotional hell he would be making for me in my weakened state.


These are the times when he would go on attack!  When I am weak and dependent.


Thank god I don't have to deal with it!"

So now I take walks and listen to my music and have found myself smiling and literally taking time to smell the roses.  No shit.

We are now getting ready for the big annual Halloween Party that for the past two years he has broken up with me the day before I have to run a 100 plus person party.  We are all joking about who will take his place this year and break up with me the night before and then send me several home made videos telling me how terrible I am for me to watch DURING the party..... you know.. when I'm slammed.

Maybe we'll start a lottery!  Who's it gonna be?

Emotional Trap/Control Game : Operation Broken Ribs

So we all know I'm the clumsiest person alive and I bump into things, fall down and crash all the time.  Major injury is nothing new to me.  A few months back I tripped over a hammock on the Princes patio and fell onto a chair on my ribcage and snapped rib nine and ten in half.

But let's start from right after the fall.  When accidents like this happen people go into shock.  As I threw my body back into his apartment before I collapsed from the pain I was more worried about whether or not I had broken the glass that I was holding when I fell.  Shock.  Two to three minutes later after I got my breath back and could get up off the floor we lifted my shirt to find a deep purple bruise already present on my ribcage.

 I am not one to run to the doctor and figured I just bruised my muscle tissue really bad and it would go away in a few days so  I went about my life sucking up the pain hoping it would get better day by day.  The Prince was supportive about it asking me if I was ok from time to time.  We both thought it was just bruised tissue and nothing serious.

The next day we went to dinner where it was hard for me to sit up but I did it with a smile.  I really thought it was going to get better as time passed.  We went to bed and the next morning it was so much worse.  This day I had to drive 6.5 hours home.  As I stated in a blog earlier I don't like to leave the Prince without making sure he's "satisfied" so even in my state I.. well you know.. and it was rough and it hurt but I didn't want him to feel bad so I again smiled and made sure he didn't feel weird,  still believing I hadn't done serious damage.

The drive obviously sucked.  I had to go to work that night at the BBC and as I arrived I found it harder and harder to breathe.   I could barely talk at this point because of the movement of the diaphram.  I was in BAD SHAPE.  A group of my friends demanded that I go see a doctor to get x-rays just to make sure that I didn't shatter any rib bones into my lungs.  I promised them that if it didn't get better in 2-3 days I would.  Well....  The next morning it was EVER WORSE so I ran my butt to the doctor for an x-ray.   This whole time the Prince had still be pretty supportive asking me how I was feeling and what not.  This reaction from him was only because he didn't think it was serious.

Usually if I have something serious going on in my life he shuts me out as if he can't cope with me having any problem that could possibly make me somehow "defective".   When I found out my parents were going through a very hard time in their marriage - he shut me out.

When the xrays came back and It had been verified that I had snapped rib 9 and 10 completely in half guess what happened next?

He shut me out for the rest of the evening.  He accused me of being fucked up on pain pills and being a bitch and refused to talk to me for the rest of the evening.

The next day he was still mad and wouldn't let up until I sent him this picture proving that I had not taken any of my pain meds yet.

With two broken ribs.

Prove to him that he was wrong.

To shut him up and to get him to stop accusing me of something that never happened.

With two broken ribs.

It could be worse.

A long time friend is going through a far more dramatic situation but the feelings and emotional roller coasters are the same.  I am about three weeks ahead in the process so at some points of the anger and frustration I was a few steps ahead in the healing process.

Here are a few things that I told him.

***Panic is also my worst enemy right now. I just keep saying this too shall pass. this too shall pass.

Another thing that I think about everyday is that it could be worse. I could still be where I was one month ago. Still everyday experiencing some new abuse that crippled my soul. I am in pain for sure but at least it is not compounding anymore. Now I just have to heal from the wounds that have been made... not new ones that were being made daily.

My Friend:
"She is desperate and busted in a web of manipulation and lying and stealing and abuse so intricately dense I am astounded. " 

Going through that right now too to the point that I just can't try to figure or sort it out anymore ... There is absolutely nothing I can do and I'm not going to spend my healing time defending myself from a very real situation and experience. ****

And it could be worse.  I could still be emotionally beaten everyday with new wounds but I am not.  I am away from the games and manipulations.  Well almost.   He pulled out some shit this week but luckily it did not bother me.   Like a child he gave some of his friends my blog URL and they started posting comments like junior high school kids leaving hate mail in my locker in 8th grade.  It was as empty as all of his lies that he told me and everyone else he knows.

The weirdest reaction I got was the first day I saw all my friends after the Prince and I broke up.  It was only 2 days later.  I was still an emotional pile of shit.  Several of my friends ran up to me as soon as they saw me and gave me a great big hug and said "Congratulations!!!"

I was like ,"whu?  I'm so sad?!  Why would you say that?"

Because.  They watched me go from being happy to crying several times a week based on the moods of the Prince and what "ultimatum" he was to give me at that moment.  Because they were witness to the overall emotional destruction that he projected onto me.  Because they want me to be happy and they knew he was crushing my spirit.  They know the details from day to day because I told them in real time (even tho I wasnt' "allowed" to) and they were waiting for this moment and genuinely happy for me that I had taken my first step away from this heinously abusive world that I had gotten lost in.  They even said , "It's nice to have you back!!"

So I asked one of my friends, "Why were you so nice to him all the time?"

His response, "Because you always brought him around"

Pre-Op or Consultation?

So my friend and I went to my pre-op appointment today to go over my upcoming surgery.  Once my Doctor reviewed the details of my charts he jokes about a large written note that says, "ABSOLUTELY NO ANCHOR LIFT!!"   AKA:  The surgery that would produce the T-Bar scar that the Prince refused to let me have.

I jokingly said back, "Oh remember that guy with me on my consultation?  My boyfriend at the time now EX boyfriend.. that was his request.  He wouldn't let me get that surgery because he didn't want me to have the scars ...that's why I brought him with me.. that was his rule."

The doctor stopped and stated, "When you get surgery you get surgery for yourself.. not someone else."  and proceeded to ask me if I minded the T-bar scar and if I wanted that lift kit instead of the one that "I"  (ugh umm...The Prince) had originally chosen for the surgery.

We went over all the different options of ALL different surgeries I could get and my pre-op appointment turned into the consultation that I should have had in the first place.

My real pre-op appointment is now on Monday for the surgery that I have chosen.  A complete overhaul of the original surgery.  It's was so different making my own choice without these outside rules and stipulations hanging over my head.  And not only that I'm saving money!

Not for me

Anyone who treats me like that is not for me.  Friends or lovers.

Me Improvement Month!

Things I have wanted to do with my body but did not have permission from the Prince:

***Get my capsular contracture fixed and a lift kit  (he did NOT want me to have the T-bar scars AT ALL and didn't want me to spend the money... my money not his.   I even made him come to a consultation  with me months ago so he could see what the doctor said.  Although I did not need the T-bars he was still not for the surgery because of money... again.. MY money not his)
***Get Deep FX under my eyes
***Start working on my short sleeve tat representing everyone/thing I've loved that has passed

So I have been under such tight rules with the Prince and so scared to do anything that would piss him off that I actually gave up things that I not only wanted to do but things I needed to do.

He doesn't like tattoos.  I do.  My best friend and I wanted to get a friendship tattoo and I know this would piss the Prince off to such an extent that we would probably break up.  So I went to him to talk to him about it.  He was not happy but after a few minutes was like , "You can get it if you do something for me"

He had wanted me to get health insurance for awhile so he demanded that I get health insurance BEFORE I get the tattoo.. Those were the terms he needed met.  My friend and I were going to get the tattoo in a few hours so I scrambled and got health insurance just so I could get an $80 tiny tattoo that meant something to me and my best friend.   He would always look at my wrist and smile chuckling to himself that the tattoo I got that day represented health insurance and became very angry with me when they did not accept me a after my health evaluation had been processed because I have capsular contracture.  He would yell at me for not following through on anything, doing what I was told to do or doing what I said I was going to.

Capsular Contracture keeping me from having health insurance that I wanted to get fixed but he insisted that I not spend the money.  He would always tell me in a funny way that he liked that I had one soft and one hard boob.  He got the best of both worlds.  I natural breast and a fake one.

I don't care if his intentions were good wanting me to have health care HE FORCED ME TO DO IT UNDER CONTROL ULTIMATUM CIRCUMSTANCES!  This happened in many facets of my life.  If I wanted to do something I had to pay out or there would be a fight.

This is also a good example of the emotional traps I was constantly in.  I needed to get health insurance but was denied for having Capsular Contracture but he was against me spending to money to fix the Cap Contracture so I couldn't be approved for health insurance and I was a liar, selfish and bad person for not following through.

Oh AND I'm getting my full STD screen.  I don't think the Prince physically cheated on me but WHO KNOWS?  If he thought about cheating on me when he was mad at me then he thought about cheating on my multiple times a day.  

So this month I have appointments appointments appointments!!

I am getting my Capsular Contracture fixed with the lift I wanted,  I just got my veneers re-shaped and polished,  I am FINALLY getting Deep and Active FX, I am losing weight and I am going to see an artist about designing my beautiful short sleeve.

I'm going to look like SHIT the last week of September!!  I'll have to post pictures.  I getting my procedure and surgery 2 days apart from one another.  OUCH!  but YAY!  I don't have to ask permission or jump through hoops to better myself and gain better self esteem!

My Doppelganger.

Back in February when Doppelgangers were popular to post on facebook I posted my Doppelganger.

That's right.  My Doppelganger was a punching bag.  It is interesting to me that as far back as the beginning of last year I was feeling this intense abuse. He is a very angry man.

We had a series of serious fights where he would yell terrible things to me in his sleep.  At the time I did not realize that he was sleeping and would get extremely upset and hurt.  I was always like "what the fuck?!  Why the fuck would he say to that me?!  OMG  (PANIC)"  They were terrible things coming from OUT OF THE BLUE like "mumble.... cunt,  fucking shut the fuck up!"  "Get the fuck out of here. Just fuck off" and one he ever yelled at me for just coming to cuddle with him in bed "GO AWAY!!!  SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!  SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!"

We remember these events very differently and have had many blow-outs over them and I still think it's crazy that he argues what happened when he was sleeping for most of it.   I should have video taped this phenomenon.  Hind sight is 50/50. 

As soon as we figured out that he was doing this in his sleep we made a rule that I don't wake him up EVER and if he says mean shit to mean and his eyes are closed to ignore it.  We had so many rules like this that I needed to obey to keep the calm.  What serious anger issues could cause someone to freak out on another person and be so cruel in their sleep?

I'm not sure what it is about him sleeping but something comes out of him from a dark angry place.  He once punched me in the face  (very hard) while sleeping and just last month we were sleeping on his futon mattress in his living room and I woke up to him BEATING the floor with his fist.  I mean BEATING it over and over and over again.   Me and my friend joked about how I was lucky that he had chosen the other side of the mattress and not the one that I was sleeping on.  But it's really not that funny.

Well I'm not his punching bag anymore.  And I'm still waiting for him to be a man.   All I want is a little acknowledgement of his responsibility and a sincere apology.  Whatever is it that he is so so so internally angry about is not about me. 

Maybe he didn't hear me... "I"M STILL WAITING FOR YOU TO BE A MAN"

Memories- He's always mad at me - The LED presentation

We were at a BBQ at my parents house and Prince really wanted to show my dad the presentation of his new LED panels.  While me and some friends were all sitting at the table after eating, hanging out and talking he pulls out his computer and calls my dad over.   The computer isn't even facing me or my friends so we continue chatting and having a good time at the BBQ.  During the presentation that I can't see but have seen a million times  I interject a comment about the LED's and he yelled at me that I ruined his presentation.... a presentation my dad was just watching because he was being polite.  My friends and I are like "Woah man" to each other and keep talking in our own conversation.   After my dad walks away with a puzzled look on his face (I think because of the way Prince spoke to me) the Prince gets up and leaves for about 20 minutes.

When he comes back he is mad at me for not only interjecting a comment is this "presentation"  but for returning to my conversation afterwards.  We were not in a board room.  We were not in an official meeting.  We were all sitting at a large table talking before he sat down.  We were at a BBQ!!!

I was punished with the silent treatment and rude statements directed toward me for the rest of the evening.  For talking.  At a BBQ.

He argued that me AND my friend were selfish and couldn't just shut the fuck up for 5 minutes.

Lesson: When the Prince wants to say something everyone needs to shut the fuck up and stop what they are doing... even if he's coming into your space to do it.

People protect the ones they love.

They don't go out of their way to purposely hurt them.

This was not the case with the Prince.

Everyone has issues.  Everyone has triggers.  Everyone has buttons.  It's called being alive.    A dear friend told me when someone loves you and they know your buttons they will make a concerted effort to keep them safe.  They don't take your issues and throw them in your face,  they protect you from the things that have hurt you in your past.

If you had a broken bone they would not come up to you and punch the break just to cause you pain?  Right?  Well that's exactly what the prince did to my prior emotional wounds and the new ones that he had created.

And he laughed.

My "issues" are my issues sorted from 35 years of life and most don't surface unless there is selective pressure.   Mostly, my "issues" are people dependent.  Meaning.  I will trust you until YOU give me a reason not to.   I will freely share my thoughts, feeling, insecurities with you until YOU give me a reason to shut down.  I will stand by you and protect you with the utmost loyalty until YOU give me a reason to turn my back.

These "mental problems" as the Prince called them are not some blanket issues that have a severe effect on every relationship  I encounter.  They are specific to specific people based on the history I have with them.

I don't share certain things with my family because they have a habit of being critical of my failures.  It doesn't mean I will NEVER share with them... I just wait until I am successful at what I am trying to accomplish.   I have always been the black sheep with the pressure of succeeding for me and my sister who they expect very little from.  I don't have room for fuck ups.  I keep most of my personal and professional life private from them until I feel successful enough to invite them in.  Yes this is an issue and it is specific to my family.  I am not like this with ANY other people in my life.  I am an open book.

I had a relationship once where I was cheated on and TRUST was not an issue.
I dated a Merchant Marine who traveled for three months every three months,  TRUST was not an issue
I dated a man who traveled the world during his PHD program while working long hours seven days a week and TRUST was not an issue!


I have only had two relationships where trust was a major issue.


 So who were these two relationships with that TRUST was an issue?  The two most abusive men I've ever dated,  "B" and Prince Charming.

They both had the same characteristics and behaved in very similar ways.   They both used  emotionally manipulation to gain control giving me constant ultimatums on my behavior and lifestyle.  They both had secret friendships that they would NOT include me in where they talked poorly about me to turn these people that didn't know me against me.  They both drank heavily causing the bi-polarish behavior to come roaring at me.  They both had some sort of compulsion.  "B" was a compulsive gambler.  The Prince compulsively perused internet dating websites.  They both could not see their own faults or issues allowing them to blame me for every single little problem.  They both demanded excessive attention from me.  They both enjoyed emotionally confusing me, pushing my buttons and then sitting back and enjoying watching me feel pain.  Both of them toyed with my trust to the point where I did NOT trust them purposely putting their "secrets" out in front of me to see my reaction.

They BOTH courted me for long periods of time (multiple years) wooing me with wonderful stories and great plans for the future and they BOTH turned into another person once they conquered me.  I had no interest in dating either one of them before they courted me.

They both took my emotional weaknesses and punched them over and over again until I was helplessly huddled on the floor in pain.

If he knew I had trust issues within our relationship why did he behave so secretive all the time?  Why would he continue to go on dating websites?  Why wouldn't he introduce me to his friends?  Why would he use a the code name "San Francisco" when talking about me on the phone right in front of me?  Why would he blatently tell me horrible things his family would say about me?  Why would he tell me he thinks about cheating on me when he gets mad at me?  Why would he throw this odd behavior in my face day after day after day?

He was punching me in the broken bones.

Revelations...

I've always joked with my friends during weird moments with the Prince that I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up one day married to him to find out that he had families all over the country.

Yeah.  One of those guys.

I remember this one phone call he made a few months ago.  He told me he needed to call Uncle B so he got on his phone and sat in my kitchen and had a lengthy conversation.  I was getting dressed and running around the house from bedroom to bathroom.  He referred to the person on the phone as Uncle B at first but then during the length of the conversation continually accidentally called Uncle B "Hil" as in "Hilary".   It would go something like this,

"So she is moving out Hil?.. uh um  Uncle B...   and where is "J" uh I mean Katie going?"

These broken sentences happened throughout the length of the phone call.  At the time I just laughed at his transparency and stupidity to think that I wouldn't realize what was going on.... but,  I just let it go.  He constantly lies and I was at the point of trying to get out peacefully so I just let that one go.

This was a common occurrence.

So I was thinking about these texts I witnessed and what not and I would not be surprised if "Tiffany(work)"  is even Tiffany at all.  I know the real Tiffany is an old friend that dates back to when he was devastated when his first love Michelle was caught cheating on him.  I would never argue that they were physically inappropriate and have even said over these past few weeks that I don't think they were... but that doesn't explain the texts. They were so inappropriate!

So this brings us to his trust issues.  He has always blamed everything on MY trust issues.  Ask any of my friends.. in a relationship I am very trusting until there is obvious reason for me not to be and this accusation always baffled me and many of my friends.   Baffled some of my friends to the point that they would tell me "dude... he doesn't know you at all"!  But he gave me many reasons not to trust him.

But it wasn't about my trust issues.  It is all about his trust issues.  Michelle snapped some wire in his brain and what I am realizing is that he is so scared of that happening again that he has to beat everyone to the punch!  He will cheat before being cheated on.  He will have a stockpile of women to go to when things are rough in his current relationship.  This will stop the pain of his distrust.  He will sleep with another woman when he is mad at his girlfriend.  That'll really hurt her and make him feel powerful  .  It's all a "beat to the punch"  "I'll hurt you before you hurt me" 

It all makes sense!  The dating websites, mysterious phone calls and texts, hidden friends, secret life, sex websites, cleared browser history, temporarily blocking me from ichat, made up phone calls to family members, referring to me as "San Francisco" and the list goes on....

Well... he got the wrong girl here.  I am the MOST loyal girlfriend in the world with a record of NEVER CHEATING IN MY LIFE!  I don't have it in my character.  I don't even think about being with another person even after a break up until I KNOW the relationship is completely done.  

 He will always be like this unless he can take a step back and realize that he is a hurt untrusting person.  I don't think he has the ability.

And now I can get back to me.  He made me believe that I was mentally effed up.  I'm not!  He just projected all of his issues onto me long enough for me to question myself.  I'm not that person he was making me believe I was.  I am exactly who I have been and I'm going to be OK!

I feel so tricked and so stupid.

I don't know how to explain it better.  Fooled?  Tricked?  Can I think of a better word?

I can't!

I believed these "things" I was told.   The story that woo'ed me, the promises made daily... the hopes for a future.  It was all empty!  I'm beating myself up screaming "HOW COULD YOU BE SO EFFEN NAIVE!"

I was a good girlfriend.  I gave a trememdous amount to the relationship.  Maybe at times too much and slowly gave pieces of me away.   5 years ago I would have driven home if I had gotten locked out of a hotel room and never looked back.  This time.. I bought a second room to sleep in, made sure I woke up early enough to cuddle with him and talk him down from his anger at me so we could go on with our day.  What about MY anger?!  What about MY saddness!  What about anything I felt and thought.

He stated in an email a few days ago, "You were upset and I didn't know why. Up till that point you had been really nice and sweet to me all day. But when you were walking home yelling "shoot me now!" over and over, I knew the night had took a turn for the worst."

I was not nice.  I was eating my emotions and biting my tongue for months.  I guess I have learned how to do that well.  Even if you look at that Friday when I asked him to just answer his phone and text in front of me because it made me feel uncomfortable that he was being so secretive all day...  THAT turned into a huge fight about me accusing him of cheating.

I didn't accuse him of anything.  I told him something he did and how it made me feel.


So, better say nothing at all.  It won't be heard anyway.  I had been doing this for months.  The things I apologized for that I really shouldn't have,  the things I let slide to avoid the next big argument,  the verbal abuse and  emotional pain that I ate on a daily basis to keep the calm.


On occasion over the past several weeks he would "let me talk" and I was always astounded calling my friends after telling them that he let me tell him how I feel!!!  He listened to me!  He obviously wasn't listening to anything I said.  I brought up things like I felt like he was emotionally abusive to me and being verbally harsh calling me names, telling me to shut the fuck up regularly.  I told him that I'm uncomfortable around his family because they speak so poorly about me and that I needed to be included in his social life.  I didn't want to meet "all of HIS friends" at our wedding.  I basically told him everything that I have been blogging about.  I also told him that under these circumstances I would not marry him. I was begging him to stop this behavior that was tearing me apart.  I thought he was opening up with me and finally hearing my voice.   I don't think he heard any of it.


An old friend just wrote ,
"I did my best, tried to push through. Was even willing toput my feelings and pride aside for you. Now I am done and will return to who I really am. I’m done rolling over, I’m taking a stand!"

I've been so angry the past few days I haven't been able to cry...  this put me into TEARS!!!

I'm definitely struggling with the last three parts.  I'm empty and lost.  I know this too shall pass but I'm having a hard time letting go of this dream I had with him.  The one that woo'ed me and was promised to me while feeling stupid for believing any of it.

....and the crazy gets even crazier!!!!

So every break up is hard.  Many people go through a short window where there is harsh communication between both parties.  I am there.

The reality of what happened and how it's being remembered is driving me crazy.  I am being accused of things that I did not do and the playback is SO far off from reality that I feel compelled to explain what really went on even though I know I should just stop communication all together.

Below is a series of emails from the past two days.  The first email is my response to something he wrote me.  The bullet points are his.  My response is below.  It just really seems like he doesn't get it at all and if you read my other posts you can see me write about these points I'm making before AND after the breakup.

1. going thru my stuff - You do this a lot and I really don't care, but you make up stories in your head about what is going on then attack me without talking to me. It's been an ongoing problem I thought I could endure but then I imagined spending the rest of my life with you under those circumstances, and then realized I couldn't live like that. I don't see a future when I have to prove myself to you all the time.

My response:
I snooped because you produced an air of secrecy.   Not letting me meet your friends, calling me San Francisco, hiding texting and phone calls from me, clearing your private data if I needed to use your computer. lying about still being on dating websites and list goes on and on and on of things that made you suspect.

oh and one I just starting witnessing... you would block me when you would get on ichat sometimes.  Why the hell would someone do that?!  I DON"T KNOW!  I HAVE NO EVIDENCE BUT GETTING BLOCKED FROM TIME TO TIME!

You KNOW you did these things!  Don't even try to deny them! 

2. constant accusals of cheating - mostly stem from the above, but being on the recieving end of it really sucks.

My response:
I never regularly accused you of cheating.  I accused you of being secretive and possibly having inapropriate emotional relationships much like ours when you were with Anna.  Please read this again:  http://piecingmypuzzle.blogspot.com/2010/08/please-read-and-see-attachments.html

3. verbal abuse - please refer to the emails you have sent me over the past week. copying and pasting here would just be redundant.

My response:
Telling you how I feel about certain things is not verbal abuse.  Calling me a cunt and telling me the shut the fuck up all the time is.

3. emotional abuse - refer to the emails once again. those are references you make toward me most of the time and I'm over it.

My response:
I did the farthest from this.  I coddled you.  If you were upset I begged you to cuddle snuggle (Use that Friday I had to work at the living room as a good example of that)  I tried to get you to "come back to me"  and you KNOW this too. How many times have a nicely asked you to "come back to me"?  HOW many times have I asked "Are you ok?  Are you mad at me?"  Cause you were ALWAYS mad at me and could blow a gasket at any time.  THAT is emotional abuse honey. 

4. you want nothing to do with my family (your words)

My response:
You created this.  By telling me bad things that they say about me all the time when they have absolutely NO reason to.  You created a situation where I was so uncomfortable to be around them cause they all talk so much shit about me.  I did nothing to deserve these judgements and why the fuck would you tell me these things?  What purpose did it serve other than hurting me?  Please ask yourself.

5. I can't have friends that you don't approve of.

My response:
This is the biggest bullshit I've ever read.  I BEGGED to be introduced to your friends and be part of your peer group!!!!  BEGGED!  YOU NEVER LET ME!  You wouldn't invite me into your peer group.  I was an outsider the entire time!  You know this is true because we had lengthy discussion about it multiple times!!!  I "approve" of ALL your friends I just wanted to MEET THEM!!!!

 A second email from me: (A bit mean of me but very honest at the same time)

"***** is laughing right.  She remembers what i remember the same way
and thinks its funny how many times she heard you change your stories
right in front of her all the time.  Its pretty funny to her right
now.     wiah you could see what we see honey"

Prince Charming's response:

"then you should tell her about the inappropriate text messages and phone calls you would make from my phone to tiffany and brittany between 1:30a and 4am. please get help! stop emailing me!"

 When I got THIS last night I was floored!!!!  WHAT?!  Is he talking about the texts that I took pictures of?  Um.. I was in SF and he was in Long Beach when those texts were exchanged!!

And when is this 1:30am - 4am date that he is talking about?!  Whu?


He has this software on his phone that allows him to call from another number.  When I didn't want to talk to him for one reason or another he would call from my sons number KNOWING I would pick up the call. (I have NO Idea how this works and how it's legal)  Did he use that and text her from my phone number?!


REALLY WTF IS HE TALKING ABOUT?!  I held his phone snooping ONCE and would NEVER send a text to ANY OF HIS CONTACTS!!    And Brit?!  The first I ever heard about her was 24 hours before we broke up?!


Is he accusing me of doing this for months? I ONLY SNOOPED A COUPLE WEEKS AGO!  After we broke up?  IMPOSSIBLE!  I LEFT RIGHT AWAY THE NEXT MORNING and trust me he didn't leave his phone anywhere close to me!


I have thought about this for an entire day and all I can come up with is that HE sent these texts at whatever point in time AFTER we broke up  and TOLD THEM that I stole his phone and did this!!? OR He is blaming his OWN ummm and quote "inappropriate" texts on me while we were together.. WHAT?!?!  So he defamed MY character with a LIE to get these people to hate me and so he can become a victim?


FAIR!  Emotional pain makes you do STUPID STUFF.. But then to accuse me of doing it knowing full well that I NEVER DID?!?!?  INSANE!!!!!


Time stamps on these mysterious texts I sent?   IF THEY MATCH UP WITH US BEING TOGETHER THEY WERE HIS INAPPROPRIATE TEXTS!!!  IF THEY DON'T  HE SENT THEM AFTER OUR BREAKUP!


What the eff is he talking about?!  It's like he just plopped his crazy down right in front of me and said ,"See... I'm nuts.... I going to accuse you of something we both know you didn't do.. but rather that I did in your name to make people hate you"


WHAT?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!?


This is what I've suspected he's done with his friends and family for our entire relationship (IE the mean comments and me never meeting anyone)  BUT PUT IT IN MY FACE LIKE THAT!!!  OBVIOUSLY I KNOW THE TRUTH!!  IT"S INSANE!!!!!!


Completely taken back by this one.  And I'm the crazy one.

I'm so floored and pissed at crazy world I couldn't even write this out well.  omg.

 

"You are not well"

The last thing he said to me.

I am not well.  But not for the reasons he is stating.

I am boggled by this whole experience.  Years ago he contacted me, told me all these stories that woo'ed my heart and mind.   I had no intention or even thought of him dating or romantically.  But year after year this "love" story he told me seeped into every fiber of my body mind and spirit.

Once we were together physically the intensity was overwhelming but there was a major problem.  Our foundation was built on a platform of emotional cheating.

We had plans to get together while he was in a long term relationship.  He almost even bought a house with her while our emotional relationship was strong and alive.

We would do things write notes on scrap paper saying "I love you **** *****  Marry me"  and show them to each other on ichat while his partner was in their bed sleeping. 

Once he was single I told him to take some time and play the field before we started our time together.  He said, "No I know what I want and it's you"   I believed him knowing that he needed to heal from that relationship before anything positive could happen with us.  But I couldn't  resist.  My heart was that entangled in this awesome future we had planned.

Within a few weeks it was obvious that he was not ready for what I thought we had.  While talking to me on ichat about marriage he went onto another womans myspace and write ,"MARRY ME!!!!!!"  He would frequent the dating website constantly.  Some of his friends wrote some slanderous statements on with facebook page that were obviously about me laughing at me publically.

I was hurt and humiliated.  I had one version of commitment and love for the relationship.  He had a very different version.

My version doesn't exist.  It never existed.  I held onto it in my heart for years.  The physical intensity made me believe it was possible.  SO INTENSE!

So I am not well.   Something inside me allowed me to put up with all the emotional abuse, name calling, emotional cheating and manipulations.  Something allowed me to suffer through all of this for what?  A story.  A fantasy that was told me that i wanted so so bad.  A fantasy that just does not exist.


I allowed myself to be treated with such disrespect and threw my dignity out the window for a made up story.  Fiction.

I am not well.

Please Read and see Attachments

TO:  Prince Charming

"never accuse me of something unless you have solid proof" -Prince Charming,  Friday August 6th 2010

And how would you propose I get this proof?

Your emotional traps were genious. 

example:  I can't accuse you of going onto a dating website unless I have solid proof... but if I printed your profile with login dates and times I was stalking him and crazy
example:  You can obviously be secretive about  communication with a female outside our relationship but if I snoop into your phone for proof I am "crossing a line"

I had solid proof when you said that.  I had these pictures for over a week. 

and I only did what you asked.  You asked me for proof so I showed you proof honey.

I miss you dearly but  You betrayed my trust, the trust in our relationship, broke my heart and hurt me to my core.

I asked three things of you:  Honesty, Transparency and loyalty.  All 3 were never given to me.

I told you three things that would hurt me to my core:

-Constantly Frequenting dating websites  (my stomach would drop to my toes and I would be struck with panic)
-Having an inappropriate emotional relationship with a woman outside our relationship and hiding them from me  (similar to how our relationship started when you were with Anna)
-Physically cheating on me.  (that's obvious)

You did the first two without a doubt and by these texts and what you said about thinking about cheating on me when you get mad at me there was definitely intent to cheat.

Intent to cheat is as much as a betrayal at cheating itself.  So yes.  You did cheat on me in three very distinct ways.

Don't go blaming out demise on a personality difference.  I am a solid woman with everything to offer.  I am kind, giving, supportive, understanding and so so many other things that make a relationship solid and stable.  It was your actions and betrayal that in the end broke us apart.

No honest woman is going to put up with this behavior and I tolerated it for far too long.

If these things were not a part of our lives together we would have lasted a lifetime..  I happy lifetime.
And yes. honey.. I know more than you think I know and I've known for a long time with noway to confront you about it without us breaking up.   That's where my unhappiness stemmed from.   I had no platform to discuss your bad behavior and things that you were doing that emotionally hurt me.  The threat of you leaving was always dangled over my head.  And don't tell me I'm misinterpretting these texts.  Noone and I mean Noone that has seen these texts has had a different interpretation than me.

I love you.  I am processing all of this and  this is how I process stuff.  Please respect it.  Wish you could apologize. 

And like a serial cheater.. notice that Tiffany's phone number is her "work" number.  Cause she's at "work" at 1:15am.  No.  It's just a lie.  That's her cell phone.  "But honey... she's at work."  He told me they were old old friends.  Yah.  Bet they met on a dating website.  I will never know what was real and what was a lie.

He has a lot of "friends" "work" numbers in his phone.  A TON.

Did you really just say that?

That's what I was thinking last Friday when we were walking home from dinner and he stated, "I think about cheating on you when I'm mad at you."

WHAT?!  Did that seriously just come out of his mouth?

I had made it very clear what my boundaries were and what I perceived as a betrayal.   These are things that have the same effect as physical cheating to me.  Same raw emotions and physical reaction.  These are also things that are totally specific to this relationship based on our past.

Constantly Frequenting dating websites  (my stomach would drop to my toes)
Having an inappropriate emotional relationship with a woman outside our relationship and hiding them from me  (similar to how our relationship started when he was with his ex)
Physically cheating on me.  (that's obvious)

I absolutely know he has done 2 out the 3 and from the texts I saw and the statement above it seems the third one had been tackled or was planning on being tackled as well.

This is only one of many verbal outbursts he's thrown my way over the past several months.  All of them harsh and degrading and things that I really did NOT need to know.

I ponder why he continually did this to me.  To hurt me?  To make me feel weak?  To increase my desperation and fear of losing him so I would hold more tightly?  Control?  Or was it a hint that HE wanted out.

I suppose I will never know.

I've had some conversations with friends and acquaintances over the last few days and I've learned something that I hope sticks with me.   Everyone has a Prince Charming that they had to let go.  I relationship that had the highest highs they have ever experienced that came along with the lowest lows.

Many of these people I had spoken with are now happily married with children to men that are not so manic with their love.  They all surprisingly speak about their exes like it was still in their heads the most amazing love they have ever experienced but are happier with their more stable relationship that they just have not reached the same highs in.

It comforted me that they could move on, still remember the greatness of their past and be completely happy in another perhaps not so exciting relationship.

I will have to try this out.

My worst fears

The fear of losing Prince charming and of him emotionally cheating on me.  Obviously physical cheating is included but emotionally innapropriate relationships outside our relationship terrified me.  That's how our relationship started.   For years we had a very deep emotional relationship with hopes for a future while he was in a long term relationship so I knew it was a possibility that it would happen again.. this time to me.  It did.

Physical cheating you have a set period of time where you betray your partner.
Emotional cheating is an ongoing relationship that is deep and personal.  Usually includes future plans.
Put them together then you have a full on relationship.

He knew this fear existed.  Of course this fear existed!  And then the fear was a reality.

I am hurt, angry, confused, beating myself, SAD, PISSED, in disbelief, kicking myself, looking in the mirror and saying "DUH..." while still struggling with the "I deserved this" and "It's all my fault".

The worst part about all of this is that he knew this fear and it's like he toyed with it.  Constantly putting his secretive behavior in front of me... his constant threats to leave.  I AM SO HURT!  TO MY CORE!  And he doesn't even acknowledge it.  He acts as if I'm a crazy bitch and he's an angel.  This infuriates me!  I am pulling my hair out that he is playing the victim here!

I don't only know of one but two of these types of relationships that he currently has and has had throughout our relationship!  WTF!?!?! 

I need to let go.    I need to not care that he has turned it on me and is now "mad at me".  I just don't have the tools right now to do it.  He will always be like this.  Nothing will change.  We are at the absolute point of no return. There is no turning back!  It's done!  Why can't I let go?!


 One of my dear friends asked me the other day "Why do you love him".  My mind was blank.  This was odd because I used to be able to go off for hours telling him all the reasons why I loved him!  But that day.. nothing... absolutely nothing came to mind.  I asked my friend if I could think about it.

A few minutes later I realized that I was feeling sad and missing this love story he tells about us.  This love story that he woo'ed me with.   This love story that he tells to me almost everyday.  This love story that is so far from the reality of being with him.. but it's such a good story.   They could make a screenplay about it and it would be a blockbuster.  In fact we had talked about doing that!

So I am in love with a story.  A story that isn't close to reality.  How do I escape this fantasy that runs my emotions though?  I don't know how.  I'm stuck on the love story running through my head over and over again.  I just don't know what to do.

I'm gonna be...

fine.

I Deserved This.

Another statement an emotionally abused person throws around their head and what I keep telling myself today.   The five stages of grief in order are:

Denial

Bargaining

Anger

Depression

Acceptance

On my drive home I was 100% in the Anger phase.  I was hoping that I had done enough processing to skip Denial and Bargaining, the two hardest stages for me personally.  But today I find myself in Bargaining and I'm kicking myself.  I think the only reason I am in this phase again is because I fucked up and had contact with him yesterday.  I really screwed up.

So as I go through this cycle where my thoughts go as follows.... 

But the good was REALLY good...

  I can't give up x,y,z about him....  

I'm going to miss x,y and z......

I can't live without x, y and z.....

I'll never find something like this again.....

It wasn't that bad....  

was it really that bad....

I should have done something different.....    

Why couldn't I just have been more patient......

And then it happens.  I start to remember instances.  Specific moments and I think to myself ,"Did I deserve that".   As I go through them in my head I get in a good v.s. evil fight between anger and bargaining that goes a little like this.....

Anger:  "I didn't deserve that"... 

Then to Bargaining...."But Prince told me I deserved it for reasons a, b, and c"..... 

Back to anger..... "But really?  Is there a good enough reason to do that to someone?"...... 

Back to bargaining....."Am I wrong?  Is he right?  Did I really do something THAT wrong".....  

And onto anger  "No... I've never done anything that wrong in life in general but especially to him"

and "No!   NOONE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE DESERVES THAT"

If I could just stay on that last thought I would be ok.   The following thoughts are a few that get me there...

-locked me out of a hotel room

-threatened to call the cops on me

-outwardly shows me that he's keeping secrets.

-turned his friends against me by talking poorly about me.  (they have never met me so how could they have an accurate opinion?)

-turned his family against me using the same method

Now let's discuss this small list in detail.

-locked me out of a hotel room at 3am 

We were out of town for his work and we had to get up very early every morning so I could drive him to the work site.  Our hotel room was normal sized with a balcony and a very small bathroom.  He snores.  Nothing new.  If it's bad enough to keep me awake I will sleep somewhere else for a few hours almost always making it back to bed before he notices.  No big deal.  There was nowhere for me to go but the bathroom and I didn't want to wake him up knowing he had longs days ahead and i could come back to the room and nap.  So I took a blanket and pillow and slept in the bathroom and made it back to bed before he woke up.  I did this for 2 nights.  I was not worried about it AT ALL.  It was not a big deal to me.  I mentioned it to him at some point casually.  He felt bad but I told him not to.  I just wanted to make sure he got his sleep for work.  He thought about getting a roll away to sleep on that night just in case.  I told him not to worry about it.

The last night we were there we went out for drinks.  I hit a wall and wanted to go back to the hotel to lay down.  I was exhausted (probably from not really sleeping for 2 days)  On the way back to the hotel he starts saying he's going to go get the roll away.. I beg him to just come to bed with me.  He keeps pushing and pushing with a stank attitude. I beg and beg for him to just come to bed.   I need a break.  I walk downstairs and have 3 puffs of a cig and come back to the room.  He is gone.   He went and got the roll away and decided that HE was going to sleep in the bathroom.  I begged him to come to bed more and more and more.  He proceeded to put the mattress in the tiny bathroom and shut AND lock the door.  I begged some more and then brought up the point about me needing to use the bathroom.  The mattress blocked the door so you couldn't open it.  He said I could go to the lobby if I needed.

At this point I am so upset and I feel trapped.  I don't want to be there anymore.  I pack up my things and think about sleeping in the car.  I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO!  I decide sleeping in my car is not going to work out so I go back up to the room.  I open the door with the room key only to find that the latch in locked.  I beg him to let me in as he stands on the other side of the door saying, "See what you get when you act like this?  See what your behavior gets you? haha.  ha. You can sleep in the hallway now"  This goes on for several minutes when he says "I'm going to smoke"  He is going to smoke on the balcony completely stranding me outside the hotel room.  I go to the front desk and luckily they had a room open.  I have to buy my own hotel room.   At about 8am I get up and go back to our room.  The latch is unlocked and go in to cuddle with him,  We cuddle for awhile and then he decides he still PISSED at me.  blah blah blah happens and I finally get him to calm down.  But I feel emotionally beaten.

Now,  did I deserve this?  NO.  Was I still being punished the next day?  YES

I don't care what he thinks I did.. Noone should EVER be locked out of a hotel room short of domestic violence.  The reality is the next day he told me that he  thought I was mad at him for checking out a waitress at the bar the night before and that's why I wanted to go home.  Ummm no honey... you were watching wrestling on the tv.  I knew this.  I WAS TIRED.  So he got his panties in a bunch with end result of me being abadoned in a hotel hallway at 3am.

-threatened to call the cops on me.

Am I a felon?  Did I chase him around the house throwing punches?  With a baseball bat?  Was I trying to cause him bodily harm in any way shape or form?  Was I screaming at the top of my lungs freaking out?

NO.

I simply did what he asked and gave him solid proof that he was being inappropriate and secretive with another woman.  He told me to leave the next day.  I woke up extremely early, had a smoke and went back to bed for a bit longer.  This is the point where he told me to leave.  I said "no, i'm going to go back to bed for awhile"..  

"If you're not gone by 11 I'm calling the cops."

Now did I deserve that?  I was obviously going to leave.  I had only gotten 5 hours of sleep at that point and I needed some more sleep before I drove 6.5 hours home.  Call the cops?  Really?  How insulting.  This is even harder to get over for me than getting locked out of the hotel room.  To be treated like a criminal because he got busted?  After he ASKED me for proof.  Come on.

I did NOT deserve that.

-outwardly shows me that he's keeping secrets

I think this is a game for him.  What does it take to ryle Heather up?  Either he consiously was obvious about hiding texting from me to stir me up or he's just stupid and doesn't realize how transparent he is.  These episodes were just so frustrating for me.  It was like he was a kid with a cookie behind his back telling me "No... I don't have a cookie.. No I don't"

Example:  Last Friday his phone was blowin up with texts from that female friend.  He would obviously want to get his phone to look at it but wouldn't until we were safely apart... other side of the car, different aisle in the grocery store, etc, etc.  But I can still see him and watch him do it and if I approached him he would put his phoen away quickly.  Come on dude.  Really?  If he texted while I was relatively close he would turn the phone at an awkward angle so I couldn't see the screen or turn his back to me for the the length of the text.  And we all know when sneakily took the phone down to the laundry room that night.  It's so obvious and transparent that it really felt like a game.  If not he's just that stupid.

I do not deserve that.

-turned his friends against me by talking poorly about me.  

I've never had the chance to meet these people so their opinions of me are obviously skewed by verbal vomit coming out of Prince Charmings mouth.  Their opinions can't be accurate cause THEY DON"T KNOW ME... HAVE NEVER MET ME.  But to turn the majority of ones friends against your significant other that you supposedly want to spend the rest of your life with?  I was not invited into his peer group for some reason.  I guess I will never know why.

-turned his family against me using the same method

Same as above only they have met me a couple of times where each time he would pick a huge fight with me or tell me bad things they said about.  I mentioned this in an earlier post.

The list goes on but these 6 things keep me angry and anger is good right now.  I think I might write them on my hand so when I feel weak and wanting to bargain.. I can just look down and feel angry again.

The reality is that there is no chance of fixing this relationship.  There never was.  His family is against me, his friends are against me and honestly the insult to call the cops on me?  WTF!?  There is nothing to go back to.  It's done done and done.  This is what makes me very sad.