Denial
Bargaining
Anger
Depression
Acceptance
On my drive home I was 100% in the Anger phase. I was hoping that I had done enough processing to skip Denial and Bargaining, the two hardest stages for me personally. But today I find myself in Bargaining and I'm kicking myself. I think the only reason I am in this phase again is because I fucked up and had contact with him yesterday. I really screwed up.
So as I go through this cycle where my thoughts go as follows....
But the good was REALLY good...
I can't give up x,y,z about him....
I'm going to miss x,y and z......
I can't live without x, y and z.....
I'll never find something like this again.....
It wasn't that bad....
was it really that bad....
I should have done something different.....
Why couldn't I just have been more patient......
And then it happens. I start to remember instances. Specific moments and I think to myself ,"Did I deserve that". As I go through them in my head I get in a good v.s. evil fight between anger and bargaining that goes a little like this.....
Anger: "I didn't deserve that"...
Then to Bargaining...."But Prince told me I deserved it for reasons a, b, and c".....
Back to anger..... "But really? Is there a good enough reason to do that to someone?"......
Back to bargaining....."Am I wrong? Is he right? Did I really do something THAT wrong".....
And onto anger "No... I've never done anything that wrong in life in general but especially to him"
and "No! NOONE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE DESERVES THAT"
If I could just stay on that last thought I would be ok. The following thoughts are a few that get me there...
-threatened to call the cops on me
-outwardly shows me that he's keeping secrets.
-turned his friends against me by talking poorly about me. (they have never met me so how could they have an accurate opinion?)
-turned his family against me using the same method
Now let's discuss this small list in detail.
-locked me out of a hotel room at 3am
We were out of town for his work and we had to get up very early every morning so I could drive him to the work site. Our hotel room was normal sized with a balcony and a very small bathroom. He snores. Nothing new. If it's bad enough to keep me awake I will sleep somewhere else for a few hours almost always making it back to bed before he notices. No big deal. There was nowhere for me to go but the bathroom and I didn't want to wake him up knowing he had longs days ahead and i could come back to the room and nap. So I took a blanket and pillow and slept in the bathroom and made it back to bed before he woke up. I did this for 2 nights. I was not worried about it AT ALL. It was not a big deal to me. I mentioned it to him at some point casually. He felt bad but I told him not to. I just wanted to make sure he got his sleep for work. He thought about getting a roll away to sleep on that night just in case. I told him not to worry about it.
The last night we were there we went out for drinks. I hit a wall and wanted to go back to the hotel to lay down. I was exhausted (probably from not really sleeping for 2 days) On the way back to the hotel he starts saying he's going to go get the roll away.. I beg him to just come to bed with me. He keeps pushing and pushing with a stank attitude. I beg and beg for him to just come to bed. I need a break. I walk downstairs and have 3 puffs of a cig and come back to the room. He is gone. He went and got the roll away and decided that HE was going to sleep in the bathroom. I begged him to come to bed more and more and more. He proceeded to put the mattress in the tiny bathroom and shut AND lock the door. I begged some more and then brought up the point about me needing to use the bathroom. The mattress blocked the door so you couldn't open it. He said I could go to the lobby if I needed.
At this point I am so upset and I feel trapped. I don't want to be there anymore. I pack up my things and think about sleeping in the car. I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I decide sleeping in my car is not going to work out so I go back up to the room. I open the door with the room key only to find that the latch in locked. I beg him to let me in as he stands on the other side of the door saying, "See what you get when you act like this? See what your behavior gets you? haha. ha. You can sleep in the hallway now" This goes on for several minutes when he says "I'm going to smoke" He is going to smoke on the balcony completely stranding me outside the hotel room. I go to the front desk and luckily they had a room open. I have to buy my own hotel room. At about 8am I get up and go back to our room. The latch is unlocked and go in to cuddle with him, We cuddle for awhile and then he decides he still PISSED at me. blah blah blah happens and I finally get him to calm down. But I feel emotionally beaten.
Now, did I deserve this? NO. Was I still being punished the next day? YES
I don't care what he thinks I did.. Noone should EVER be locked out of a hotel room short of domestic violence. The reality is the next day he told me that he thought I was mad at him for checking out a waitress at the bar the night before and that's why I wanted to go home. Ummm no honey... you were watching wrestling on the tv. I knew this. I WAS TIRED. So he got his panties in a bunch with end result of me being abadoned in a hotel hallway at 3am.
-threatened to call the cops on me.
Am I a felon? Did I chase him around the house throwing punches? With a baseball bat? Was I trying to cause him bodily harm in any way shape or form? Was I screaming at the top of my lungs freaking out?
NO.
I simply did what he asked and gave him solid proof that he was being inappropriate and secretive with another woman. He told me to leave the next day. I woke up extremely early, had a smoke and went back to bed for a bit longer. This is the point where he told me to leave. I said "no, i'm going to go back to bed for awhile"..
"If you're not gone by 11 I'm calling the cops."
Now did I deserve that? I was obviously going to leave. I had only gotten 5 hours of sleep at that point and I needed some more sleep before I drove 6.5 hours home. Call the cops? Really? How insulting. This is even harder to get over for me than getting locked out of the hotel room. To be treated like a criminal because he got busted? After he ASKED me for proof. Come on.
I did NOT deserve that.
-outwardly shows me that he's keeping secrets
I think this is a game for him. What does it take to ryle Heather up? Either he consiously was obvious about hiding texting from me to stir me up or he's just stupid and doesn't realize how transparent he is. These episodes were just so frustrating for me. It was like he was a kid with a cookie behind his back telling me "No... I don't have a cookie.. No I don't"
Example: Last Friday his phone was blowin up with texts from that female friend. He would obviously want to get his phone to look at it but wouldn't until we were safely apart... other side of the car, different aisle in the grocery store, etc, etc. But I can still see him and watch him do it and if I approached him he would put his phoen away quickly. Come on dude. Really? If he texted while I was relatively close he would turn the phone at an awkward angle so I couldn't see the screen or turn his back to me for the the length of the text. And we all know when sneakily took the phone down to the laundry room that night. It's so obvious and transparent that it really felt like a game. If not he's just that stupid.
I do not deserve that.
-turned his friends against me by talking poorly about me.
I've never had the chance to meet these people so their opinions of me are obviously skewed by verbal vomit coming out of Prince Charmings mouth. Their opinions can't be accurate cause THEY DON"T KNOW ME... HAVE NEVER MET ME. But to turn the majority of ones friends against your significant other that you supposedly want to spend the rest of your life with? I was not invited into his peer group for some reason. I guess I will never know why.
-turned his family against me using the same method
Same as above only they have met me a couple of times where each time he would pick a huge fight with me or tell me bad things they said about. I mentioned this in an earlier post.
The list goes on but these 6 things keep me angry and anger is good right now. I think I might write them on my hand so when I feel weak and wanting to bargain.. I can just look down and feel angry again.
The reality is that there is no chance of fixing this relationship. There never was. His family is against me, his friends are against me and honestly the insult to call the cops on me? WTF!? There is nothing to go back to. It's done done and done. This is what makes me very sad.
The reality is that there is no chance of fixing this relationship. There never was. His family is against me, his friends are against me and honestly the insult to call the cops on me? WTF!? There is nothing to go back to. It's done done and done. This is what makes me very sad.
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