Old notes... Old thoughts... same old shi.....

So I am a note taker.  When I feel confused about something I write down how I am feeling so I can look back at it later and try to sort through it.  Sometimes if I'm in the car or not in my office I will find anything to write these notes on.  In the car I may find a scratch piece of paper and scribble down the notes at a stop light.

As I was organizing my office I found a newspaper with my scribble on it.

Obviously I was trying to work something out in my head and this newspaper was the only thing to write on while I drove and didn't want to lose my thoughts.

Now what does this scribble actually say?  Let's take a look.

"Think 3rd time shut out as of today in 8 days"
"Uncomfortable around him"
"Gonna behave irradic"
"tends to flip quickly between these emotions and I can put a smile on"
"typically happens before events we are involved in together"
"Patterns?  who knows"
"would like to meet ?(can't read name)  up to him and his maturity level"
"Prefer to let nature takes it's course"

So I'm reading this and I know I scribble my feelings down all over the place as they come so I can organize my thoughts at a later time and I saw the same old issues that we always dealt with.  Shutting me out, Irradic emotions, me smiling through, wanted to meet someone that he wouldn't let me and me trying to see where all of this was taking me.

I looked at the date and it said September 14th.  I was like..... woah that newspaper looks old for just last month and why would I be writing these comments if we broke up in August.  A closer look..  This newspaper is from September 14th, 2009.  I was dealing with the same old shit last year.  A big long year of this shit.  Same shit through all the years we dated.

Just an interesting find while cleaning up my workspace.

You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love
I loved the most

I learned to live, half alive
And now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are
Runnin' round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are
I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live, half alive
And now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are
Runnin round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises

And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

Who do you think you are
Runnin' round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
And who do you think you are?
Runnin round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?

I am SO happy he is not around for this!

Post op number two went perfectly!  I am healing perfectly and feeling pretty awesome.

Two weeks of procedures and surgeries have come and gone and now I just have to finish healing.  I can't smoke still and cannot do anything that increases my heart rate including sex.  Bummer.    BUT at least the Prince is not around!  He would be making my life miserable!  No sex?  He would not have that!

Post surgery was actually quite more difficult than I had imagined it to be with the drainage tube and the over pain and uncomfortableness of not showering for over and week with yucky bandages and I repeat that dam tube!  The day before I got that yanked out of my chest I really started feeling violated by it and my week old bandages.  VIOLATED!!  haha.

But as hard as it was I smiled every time I thought about how much worse it could be.  I could still be in that manipulative world of hell getting ripped new assholes, told how horrible I am and getting threats to leave the entire time.  But I did not have to suffer through that while I suffered through my physical pain and it really did put a huge smile on my face.  I finally had a sense of relief.  The sense of relief that I have been waiting to feel.

I wrote but never posted this a couple days after my surgery, 10/3/2010

"While I am going through this heinous healing process.  I don't even want to  contemplate that kind of emotional hell he would be making for me in my weakened state.


These are the times when he would go on attack!  When I am weak and dependent.


Thank god I don't have to deal with it!"

So now I take walks and listen to my music and have found myself smiling and literally taking time to smell the roses.  No shit.

We are now getting ready for the big annual Halloween Party that for the past two years he has broken up with me the day before I have to run a 100 plus person party.  We are all joking about who will take his place this year and break up with me the night before and then send me several home made videos telling me how terrible I am for me to watch DURING the party..... you know.. when I'm slammed.

Maybe we'll start a lottery!  Who's it gonna be?

Emotional Trap/Control Game : Operation Broken Ribs

So we all know I'm the clumsiest person alive and I bump into things, fall down and crash all the time.  Major injury is nothing new to me.  A few months back I tripped over a hammock on the Princes patio and fell onto a chair on my ribcage and snapped rib nine and ten in half.

But let's start from right after the fall.  When accidents like this happen people go into shock.  As I threw my body back into his apartment before I collapsed from the pain I was more worried about whether or not I had broken the glass that I was holding when I fell.  Shock.  Two to three minutes later after I got my breath back and could get up off the floor we lifted my shirt to find a deep purple bruise already present on my ribcage.

 I am not one to run to the doctor and figured I just bruised my muscle tissue really bad and it would go away in a few days so  I went about my life sucking up the pain hoping it would get better day by day.  The Prince was supportive about it asking me if I was ok from time to time.  We both thought it was just bruised tissue and nothing serious.

The next day we went to dinner where it was hard for me to sit up but I did it with a smile.  I really thought it was going to get better as time passed.  We went to bed and the next morning it was so much worse.  This day I had to drive 6.5 hours home.  As I stated in a blog earlier I don't like to leave the Prince without making sure he's "satisfied" so even in my state I.. well you know.. and it was rough and it hurt but I didn't want him to feel bad so I again smiled and made sure he didn't feel weird,  still believing I hadn't done serious damage.

The drive obviously sucked.  I had to go to work that night at the BBC and as I arrived I found it harder and harder to breathe.   I could barely talk at this point because of the movement of the diaphram.  I was in BAD SHAPE.  A group of my friends demanded that I go see a doctor to get x-rays just to make sure that I didn't shatter any rib bones into my lungs.  I promised them that if it didn't get better in 2-3 days I would.  Well....  The next morning it was EVER WORSE so I ran my butt to the doctor for an x-ray.   This whole time the Prince had still be pretty supportive asking me how I was feeling and what not.  This reaction from him was only because he didn't think it was serious.

Usually if I have something serious going on in my life he shuts me out as if he can't cope with me having any problem that could possibly make me somehow "defective".   When I found out my parents were going through a very hard time in their marriage - he shut me out.

When the xrays came back and It had been verified that I had snapped rib 9 and 10 completely in half guess what happened next?

He shut me out for the rest of the evening.  He accused me of being fucked up on pain pills and being a bitch and refused to talk to me for the rest of the evening.

The next day he was still mad and wouldn't let up until I sent him this picture proving that I had not taken any of my pain meds yet.

With two broken ribs.

Prove to him that he was wrong.

To shut him up and to get him to stop accusing me of something that never happened.

With two broken ribs.