It could be worse.

A long time friend is going through a far more dramatic situation but the feelings and emotional roller coasters are the same.  I am about three weeks ahead in the process so at some points of the anger and frustration I was a few steps ahead in the healing process.

Here are a few things that I told him.

***Panic is also my worst enemy right now. I just keep saying this too shall pass. this too shall pass.

Another thing that I think about everyday is that it could be worse. I could still be where I was one month ago. Still everyday experiencing some new abuse that crippled my soul. I am in pain for sure but at least it is not compounding anymore. Now I just have to heal from the wounds that have been made... not new ones that were being made daily.

My Friend:
"She is desperate and busted in a web of manipulation and lying and stealing and abuse so intricately dense I am astounded. " 

Going through that right now too to the point that I just can't try to figure or sort it out anymore ... There is absolutely nothing I can do and I'm not going to spend my healing time defending myself from a very real situation and experience. ****

And it could be worse.  I could still be emotionally beaten everyday with new wounds but I am not.  I am away from the games and manipulations.  Well almost.   He pulled out some shit this week but luckily it did not bother me.   Like a child he gave some of his friends my blog URL and they started posting comments like junior high school kids leaving hate mail in my locker in 8th grade.  It was as empty as all of his lies that he told me and everyone else he knows.

The weirdest reaction I got was the first day I saw all my friends after the Prince and I broke up.  It was only 2 days later.  I was still an emotional pile of shit.  Several of my friends ran up to me as soon as they saw me and gave me a great big hug and said "Congratulations!!!"

I was like ,"whu?  I'm so sad?!  Why would you say that?"

Because.  They watched me go from being happy to crying several times a week based on the moods of the Prince and what "ultimatum" he was to give me at that moment.  Because they were witness to the overall emotional destruction that he projected onto me.  Because they want me to be happy and they knew he was crushing my spirit.  They know the details from day to day because I told them in real time (even tho I wasnt' "allowed" to) and they were waiting for this moment and genuinely happy for me that I had taken my first step away from this heinously abusive world that I had gotten lost in.  They even said , "It's nice to have you back!!"

So I asked one of my friends, "Why were you so nice to him all the time?"

His response, "Because you always brought him around"

Pre-Op or Consultation?

So my friend and I went to my pre-op appointment today to go over my upcoming surgery.  Once my Doctor reviewed the details of my charts he jokes about a large written note that says, "ABSOLUTELY NO ANCHOR LIFT!!"   AKA:  The surgery that would produce the T-Bar scar that the Prince refused to let me have.

I jokingly said back, "Oh remember that guy with me on my consultation?  My boyfriend at the time now EX boyfriend.. that was his request.  He wouldn't let me get that surgery because he didn't want me to have the scars ...that's why I brought him with me.. that was his rule."

The doctor stopped and stated, "When you get surgery you get surgery for yourself.. not someone else."  and proceeded to ask me if I minded the T-bar scar and if I wanted that lift kit instead of the one that "I"  (ugh umm...The Prince) had originally chosen for the surgery.

We went over all the different options of ALL different surgeries I could get and my pre-op appointment turned into the consultation that I should have had in the first place.

My real pre-op appointment is now on Monday for the surgery that I have chosen.  A complete overhaul of the original surgery.  It's was so different making my own choice without these outside rules and stipulations hanging over my head.  And not only that I'm saving money!

Not for me

Anyone who treats me like that is not for me.  Friends or lovers.

Me Improvement Month!

Things I have wanted to do with my body but did not have permission from the Prince:

***Get my capsular contracture fixed and a lift kit  (he did NOT want me to have the T-bar scars AT ALL and didn't want me to spend the money... my money not his.   I even made him come to a consultation  with me months ago so he could see what the doctor said.  Although I did not need the T-bars he was still not for the surgery because of money... again.. MY money not his)
***Get Deep FX under my eyes
***Start working on my short sleeve tat representing everyone/thing I've loved that has passed

So I have been under such tight rules with the Prince and so scared to do anything that would piss him off that I actually gave up things that I not only wanted to do but things I needed to do.

He doesn't like tattoos.  I do.  My best friend and I wanted to get a friendship tattoo and I know this would piss the Prince off to such an extent that we would probably break up.  So I went to him to talk to him about it.  He was not happy but after a few minutes was like , "You can get it if you do something for me"

He had wanted me to get health insurance for awhile so he demanded that I get health insurance BEFORE I get the tattoo.. Those were the terms he needed met.  My friend and I were going to get the tattoo in a few hours so I scrambled and got health insurance just so I could get an $80 tiny tattoo that meant something to me and my best friend.   He would always look at my wrist and smile chuckling to himself that the tattoo I got that day represented health insurance and became very angry with me when they did not accept me a after my health evaluation had been processed because I have capsular contracture.  He would yell at me for not following through on anything, doing what I was told to do or doing what I said I was going to.

Capsular Contracture keeping me from having health insurance that I wanted to get fixed but he insisted that I not spend the money.  He would always tell me in a funny way that he liked that I had one soft and one hard boob.  He got the best of both worlds.  I natural breast and a fake one.

I don't care if his intentions were good wanting me to have health care HE FORCED ME TO DO IT UNDER CONTROL ULTIMATUM CIRCUMSTANCES!  This happened in many facets of my life.  If I wanted to do something I had to pay out or there would be a fight.

This is also a good example of the emotional traps I was constantly in.  I needed to get health insurance but was denied for having Capsular Contracture but he was against me spending to money to fix the Cap Contracture so I couldn't be approved for health insurance and I was a liar, selfish and bad person for not following through.

Oh AND I'm getting my full STD screen.  I don't think the Prince physically cheated on me but WHO KNOWS?  If he thought about cheating on me when he was mad at me then he thought about cheating on my multiple times a day.  

So this month I have appointments appointments appointments!!

I am getting my Capsular Contracture fixed with the lift I wanted,  I just got my veneers re-shaped and polished,  I am FINALLY getting Deep and Active FX, I am losing weight and I am going to see an artist about designing my beautiful short sleeve.

I'm going to look like SHIT the last week of September!!  I'll have to post pictures.  I getting my procedure and surgery 2 days apart from one another.  OUCH!  but YAY!  I don't have to ask permission or jump through hoops to better myself and gain better self esteem!

My Doppelganger.

Back in February when Doppelgangers were popular to post on facebook I posted my Doppelganger.

That's right.  My Doppelganger was a punching bag.  It is interesting to me that as far back as the beginning of last year I was feeling this intense abuse. He is a very angry man.

We had a series of serious fights where he would yell terrible things to me in his sleep.  At the time I did not realize that he was sleeping and would get extremely upset and hurt.  I was always like "what the fuck?!  Why the fuck would he say to that me?!  OMG  (PANIC)"  They were terrible things coming from OUT OF THE BLUE like "mumble.... cunt,  fucking shut the fuck up!"  "Get the fuck out of here. Just fuck off" and one he ever yelled at me for just coming to cuddle with him in bed "GO AWAY!!!  SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!  SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!"

We remember these events very differently and have had many blow-outs over them and I still think it's crazy that he argues what happened when he was sleeping for most of it.   I should have video taped this phenomenon.  Hind sight is 50/50. 

As soon as we figured out that he was doing this in his sleep we made a rule that I don't wake him up EVER and if he says mean shit to mean and his eyes are closed to ignore it.  We had so many rules like this that I needed to obey to keep the calm.  What serious anger issues could cause someone to freak out on another person and be so cruel in their sleep?

I'm not sure what it is about him sleeping but something comes out of him from a dark angry place.  He once punched me in the face  (very hard) while sleeping and just last month we were sleeping on his futon mattress in his living room and I woke up to him BEATING the floor with his fist.  I mean BEATING it over and over and over again.   Me and my friend joked about how I was lucky that he had chosen the other side of the mattress and not the one that I was sleeping on.  But it's really not that funny.

Well I'm not his punching bag anymore.  And I'm still waiting for him to be a man.   All I want is a little acknowledgement of his responsibility and a sincere apology.  Whatever is it that he is so so so internally angry about is not about me. 

Maybe he didn't hear me... "I"M STILL WAITING FOR YOU TO BE A MAN"

Memories- He's always mad at me - The LED presentation

We were at a BBQ at my parents house and Prince really wanted to show my dad the presentation of his new LED panels.  While me and some friends were all sitting at the table after eating, hanging out and talking he pulls out his computer and calls my dad over.   The computer isn't even facing me or my friends so we continue chatting and having a good time at the BBQ.  During the presentation that I can't see but have seen a million times  I interject a comment about the LED's and he yelled at me that I ruined his presentation.... a presentation my dad was just watching because he was being polite.  My friends and I are like "Woah man" to each other and keep talking in our own conversation.   After my dad walks away with a puzzled look on his face (I think because of the way Prince spoke to me) the Prince gets up and leaves for about 20 minutes.

When he comes back he is mad at me for not only interjecting a comment is this "presentation"  but for returning to my conversation afterwards.  We were not in a board room.  We were not in an official meeting.  We were all sitting at a large table talking before he sat down.  We were at a BBQ!!!

I was punished with the silent treatment and rude statements directed toward me for the rest of the evening.  For talking.  At a BBQ.

He argued that me AND my friend were selfish and couldn't just shut the fuck up for 5 minutes.

Lesson: When the Prince wants to say something everyone needs to shut the fuck up and stop what they are doing... even if he's coming into your space to do it.