They don't go out of their way to purposely hurt them.
This was not the case with the Prince.
Everyone has issues. Everyone has triggers. Everyone has buttons. It's called being alive. A dear friend told me when someone loves you and they know your buttons they will make a concerted effort to keep them safe. They don't take your issues and throw them in your face, they protect you from the things that have hurt you in your past.
If you had a broken bone they would not come up to you and punch the break just to cause you pain? Right? Well that's exactly what the prince did to my prior emotional wounds and the new ones that he had created.
And he laughed.
My "issues" are my issues sorted from 35 years of life and most don't surface unless there is selective pressure. Mostly, my "issues" are people dependent. Meaning. I will trust you until YOU give me a reason not to. I will freely share my thoughts, feeling, insecurities with you until YOU give me a reason to shut down. I will stand by you and protect you with the utmost loyalty until YOU give me a reason to turn my back.
These "mental problems" as the Prince called them are not some blanket issues that have a severe effect on every relationship I encounter. They are specific to specific people based on the history I have with them.
I don't share certain things with my family because they have a habit of being critical of my failures. It doesn't mean I will NEVER share with them... I just wait until I am successful at what I am trying to accomplish. I have always been the black sheep with the pressure of succeeding for me and my sister who they expect very little from. I don't have room for fuck ups. I keep most of my personal and professional life private from them until I feel successful enough to invite them in. Yes this is an issue and it is specific to my family. I am not like this with ANY other people in my life. I am an open book.
I had a relationship once where I was cheated on and TRUST was not an issue.
I dated a Merchant Marine who traveled for three months every three months, TRUST was not an issue
I dated a man who traveled the world during his PHD program while working long hours seven days a week and TRUST was not an issue!
I have only had two relationships where trust was a major issue.
So who were these two relationships with that TRUST was an issue? The two most abusive men I've ever dated, "B" and Prince Charming.
They both had the same characteristics and behaved in very similar ways. They both used emotionally manipulation to gain control giving me constant ultimatums on my behavior and lifestyle. They both had secret friendships that they would NOT include me in where they talked poorly about me to turn these people that didn't know me against me. They both drank heavily causing the bi-polarish behavior to come roaring at me. They both had some sort of compulsion. "B" was a compulsive gambler. The Prince compulsively perused internet dating websites. They both could not see their own faults or issues allowing them to blame me for every single little problem. They both demanded excessive attention from me. They both enjoyed emotionally confusing me, pushing my buttons and then sitting back and enjoying watching me feel pain. Both of them toyed with my trust to the point where I did NOT trust them purposely putting their "secrets" out in front of me to see my reaction.
They BOTH courted me for long periods of time (multiple years) wooing me with wonderful stories and great plans for the future and they BOTH turned into another person once they conquered me. I had no interest in dating either one of them before they courted me.
They both took my emotional weaknesses and punched them over and over again until I was helplessly huddled on the floor in pain.
If he knew I had trust issues within our relationship why did he behave so secretive all the time? Why would he continue to go on dating websites? Why wouldn't he introduce me to his friends? Why would he use a the code name "San Francisco" when talking about me on the phone right in front of me? Why would he blatently tell me horrible things his family would say about me? Why would he tell me he thinks about cheating on me when he gets mad at me? Why would he throw this odd behavior in my face day after day after day?
He was punching me in the broken bones.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Revelations...
I've always joked with my friends during weird moments with the Prince that I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up one day married to him to find out that he had families all over the country.
Yeah. One of those guys.
I remember this one phone call he made a few months ago. He told me he needed to call Uncle B so he got on his phone and sat in my kitchen and had a lengthy conversation. I was getting dressed and running around the house from bedroom to bathroom. He referred to the person on the phone as Uncle B at first but then during the length of the conversation continually accidentally called Uncle B "Hil" as in "Hilary". It would go something like this,
"So she is moving out Hil?.. uh um Uncle B... and where is "J" uh I mean Katie going?"
These broken sentences happened throughout the length of the phone call. At the time I just laughed at his transparency and stupidity to think that I wouldn't realize what was going on.... but, I just let it go. He constantly lies and I was at the point of trying to get out peacefully so I just let that one go.
This was a common occurrence.
So I was thinking about these texts I witnessed and what not and I would not be surprised if "Tiffany(work)" is even Tiffany at all. I know the real Tiffany is an old friend that dates back to when he was devastated when his first love Michelle was caught cheating on him. I would never argue that they were physically inappropriate and have even said over these past few weeks that I don't think they were... but that doesn't explain the texts. They were so inappropriate!
So this brings us to his trust issues. He has always blamed everything on MY trust issues. Ask any of my friends.. in a relationship I am very trusting until there is obvious reason for me not to be and this accusation always baffled me and many of my friends. Baffled some of my friends to the point that they would tell me "dude... he doesn't know you at all"! But he gave me many reasons not to trust him.
But it wasn't about my trust issues. It is all about his trust issues. Michelle snapped some wire in his brain and what I am realizing is that he is so scared of that happening again that he has to beat everyone to the punch! He will cheat before being cheated on. He will have a stockpile of women to go to when things are rough in his current relationship. This will stop the pain of his distrust. He will sleep with another woman when he is mad at his girlfriend. That'll really hurt her and make him feel powerful . It's all a "beat to the punch" "I'll hurt you before you hurt me"
It all makes sense! The dating websites, mysterious phone calls and texts, hidden friends, secret life, sex websites, cleared browser history, temporarily blocking me from ichat, made up phone calls to family members, referring to me as "San Francisco" and the list goes on....
Well... he got the wrong girl here. I am the MOST loyal girlfriend in the world with a record of NEVER CHEATING IN MY LIFE! I don't have it in my character. I don't even think about being with another person even after a break up until I KNOW the relationship is completely done.
He will always be like this unless he can take a step back and realize that he is a hurt untrusting person. I don't think he has the ability.
And now I can get back to me. He made me believe that I was mentally effed up. I'm not! He just projected all of his issues onto me long enough for me to question myself. I'm not that person he was making me believe I was. I am exactly who I have been and I'm going to be OK!
Yeah. One of those guys.
I remember this one phone call he made a few months ago. He told me he needed to call Uncle B so he got on his phone and sat in my kitchen and had a lengthy conversation. I was getting dressed and running around the house from bedroom to bathroom. He referred to the person on the phone as Uncle B at first but then during the length of the conversation continually accidentally called Uncle B "Hil" as in "Hilary". It would go something like this,
"So she is moving out Hil?.. uh um Uncle B... and where is "J" uh I mean Katie going?"
These broken sentences happened throughout the length of the phone call. At the time I just laughed at his transparency and stupidity to think that I wouldn't realize what was going on.... but, I just let it go. He constantly lies and I was at the point of trying to get out peacefully so I just let that one go.
This was a common occurrence.
So I was thinking about these texts I witnessed and what not and I would not be surprised if "Tiffany(work)" is even Tiffany at all. I know the real Tiffany is an old friend that dates back to when he was devastated when his first love Michelle was caught cheating on him. I would never argue that they were physically inappropriate and have even said over these past few weeks that I don't think they were... but that doesn't explain the texts. They were so inappropriate!
So this brings us to his trust issues. He has always blamed everything on MY trust issues. Ask any of my friends.. in a relationship I am very trusting until there is obvious reason for me not to be and this accusation always baffled me and many of my friends. Baffled some of my friends to the point that they would tell me "dude... he doesn't know you at all"! But he gave me many reasons not to trust him.
But it wasn't about my trust issues. It is all about his trust issues. Michelle snapped some wire in his brain and what I am realizing is that he is so scared of that happening again that he has to beat everyone to the punch! He will cheat before being cheated on. He will have a stockpile of women to go to when things are rough in his current relationship. This will stop the pain of his distrust. He will sleep with another woman when he is mad at his girlfriend. That'll really hurt her and make him feel powerful . It's all a "beat to the punch" "I'll hurt you before you hurt me"
It all makes sense! The dating websites, mysterious phone calls and texts, hidden friends, secret life, sex websites, cleared browser history, temporarily blocking me from ichat, made up phone calls to family members, referring to me as "San Francisco" and the list goes on....
Well... he got the wrong girl here. I am the MOST loyal girlfriend in the world with a record of NEVER CHEATING IN MY LIFE! I don't have it in my character. I don't even think about being with another person even after a break up until I KNOW the relationship is completely done.
He will always be like this unless he can take a step back and realize that he is a hurt untrusting person. I don't think he has the ability.
And now I can get back to me. He made me believe that I was mentally effed up. I'm not! He just projected all of his issues onto me long enough for me to question myself. I'm not that person he was making me believe I was. I am exactly who I have been and I'm going to be OK!
Monday, August 23, 2010
I feel so tricked and so stupid.
I don't know how to explain it better. Fooled? Tricked? Can I think of a better word?
I can't!
I believed these "things" I was told. The story that woo'ed me, the promises made daily... the hopes for a future. It was all empty! I'm beating myself up screaming "HOW COULD YOU BE SO EFFEN NAIVE!"
I was a good girlfriend. I gave a trememdous amount to the relationship. Maybe at times too much and slowly gave pieces of me away. 5 years ago I would have driven home if I had gotten locked out of a hotel room and never looked back. This time.. I bought a second room to sleep in, made sure I woke up early enough to cuddle with him and talk him down from his anger at me so we could go on with our day. What about MY anger?! What about MY saddness! What about anything I felt and thought.
He stated in an email a few days ago, "You were upset and I didn't know why. Up till that point you had been really nice and sweet to me all day. But when you were walking home yelling "shoot me now!" over and over, I knew the night had took a turn for the worst."
I was not nice. I was eating my emotions and biting my tongue for months. I guess I have learned how to do that well. Even if you look at that Friday when I asked him to just answer his phone and text in front of me because it made me feel uncomfortable that he was being so secretive all day... THAT turned into a huge fight about me accusing him of cheating.
I didn't accuse him of anything. I told him something he did and how it made me feel.
So, better say nothing at all. It won't be heard anyway. I had been doing this for months. The things I apologized for that I really shouldn't have, the things I let slide to avoid the next big argument, the verbal abuse and emotional pain that I ate on a daily basis to keep the calm.
On occasion over the past several weeks he would "let me talk" and I was always astounded calling my friends after telling them that he let me tell him how I feel!!! He listened to me! He obviously wasn't listening to anything I said. I brought up things like I felt like he was emotionally abusive to me and being verbally harsh calling me names, telling me to shut the fuck up regularly. I told him that I'm uncomfortable around his family because they speak so poorly about me and that I needed to be included in his social life. I didn't want to meet "all of HIS friends" at our wedding. I basically told him everything that I have been blogging about. I also told him that under these circumstances I would not marry him. I was begging him to stop this behavior that was tearing me apart. I thought he was opening up with me and finally hearing my voice. I don't think he heard any of it.
An old friend just wrote ,
"I did my best, tried to push through. Was even willing toput my feelings and pride aside for you. Now I am done and will return to who I really am. I’m done rolling over, I’m taking a stand!"
I've been so angry the past few days I haven't been able to cry... this put me into TEARS!!!
I'm definitely struggling with the last three parts. I'm empty and lost. I know this too shall pass but I'm having a hard time letting go of this dream I had with him. The one that woo'ed me and was promised to me while feeling stupid for believing any of it.
I can't!
I believed these "things" I was told. The story that woo'ed me, the promises made daily... the hopes for a future. It was all empty! I'm beating myself up screaming "HOW COULD YOU BE SO EFFEN NAIVE!"
I was a good girlfriend. I gave a trememdous amount to the relationship. Maybe at times too much and slowly gave pieces of me away. 5 years ago I would have driven home if I had gotten locked out of a hotel room and never looked back. This time.. I bought a second room to sleep in, made sure I woke up early enough to cuddle with him and talk him down from his anger at me so we could go on with our day. What about MY anger?! What about MY saddness! What about anything I felt and thought.
He stated in an email a few days ago, "You were upset and I didn't know why. Up till that point you had been really nice and sweet to me all day. But when you were walking home yelling "shoot me now!" over and over, I knew the night had took a turn for the worst."
I was not nice. I was eating my emotions and biting my tongue for months. I guess I have learned how to do that well. Even if you look at that Friday when I asked him to just answer his phone and text in front of me because it made me feel uncomfortable that he was being so secretive all day... THAT turned into a huge fight about me accusing him of cheating.
I didn't accuse him of anything. I told him something he did and how it made me feel.
So, better say nothing at all. It won't be heard anyway. I had been doing this for months. The things I apologized for that I really shouldn't have, the things I let slide to avoid the next big argument, the verbal abuse and emotional pain that I ate on a daily basis to keep the calm.
On occasion over the past several weeks he would "let me talk" and I was always astounded calling my friends after telling them that he let me tell him how I feel!!! He listened to me! He obviously wasn't listening to anything I said. I brought up things like I felt like he was emotionally abusive to me and being verbally harsh calling me names, telling me to shut the fuck up regularly. I told him that I'm uncomfortable around his family because they speak so poorly about me and that I needed to be included in his social life. I didn't want to meet "all of HIS friends" at our wedding. I basically told him everything that I have been blogging about. I also told him that under these circumstances I would not marry him. I was begging him to stop this behavior that was tearing me apart. I thought he was opening up with me and finally hearing my voice. I don't think he heard any of it.
An old friend just wrote ,
"I did my best, tried to push through. Was even willing toput my feelings and pride aside for you. Now I am done and will return to who I really am. I’m done rolling over, I’m taking a stand!"
I've been so angry the past few days I haven't been able to cry... this put me into TEARS!!!
I'm definitely struggling with the last three parts. I'm empty and lost. I know this too shall pass but I'm having a hard time letting go of this dream I had with him. The one that woo'ed me and was promised to me while feeling stupid for believing any of it.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
....and the crazy gets even crazier!!!!
So every break up is hard. Many people go through a short window where there is harsh communication between both parties. I am there.
The reality of what happened and how it's being remembered is driving me crazy. I am being accused of things that I did not do and the playback is SO far off from reality that I feel compelled to explain what really went on even though I know I should just stop communication all together.
Below is a series of emails from the past two days. The first email is my response to something he wrote me. The bullet points are his. My response is below. It just really seems like he doesn't get it at all and if you read my other posts you can see me write about these points I'm making before AND after the breakup.
1. going thru my stuff - You do this a lot and I really don't care, but you make up stories in your head about what is going on then attack me without talking to me. It's been an ongoing problem I thought I could endure but then I imagined spending the rest of my life with you under those circumstances, and then realized I couldn't live like that. I don't see a future when I have to prove myself to you all the time.
My response:
I snooped because you produced an air of secrecy. Not letting me meet your friends, calling me San Francisco, hiding texting and phone calls from me, clearing your private data if I needed to use your computer. lying about still being on dating websites and list goes on and on and on of things that made you suspect.
oh and one I just starting witnessing... you would block me when you would get on ichat sometimes. Why the hell would someone do that?! I DON"T KNOW! I HAVE NO EVIDENCE BUT GETTING BLOCKED FROM TIME TO TIME!
You KNOW you did these things! Don't even try to deny them!
I snooped because you produced an air of secrecy. Not letting me meet your friends, calling me San Francisco, hiding texting and phone calls from me, clearing your private data if I needed to use your computer. lying about still being on dating websites and list goes on and on and on of things that made you suspect.
oh and one I just starting witnessing... you would block me when you would get on ichat sometimes. Why the hell would someone do that?! I DON"T KNOW! I HAVE NO EVIDENCE BUT GETTING BLOCKED FROM TIME TO TIME!
You KNOW you did these things! Don't even try to deny them!
2. constant accusals of cheating - mostly stem from the above, but being on the recieving end of it really sucks.
My response:
I never regularly accused you of cheating. I accused you of being secretive and possibly having inapropriate emotional relationships much like ours when you were with Anna. Please read this again: http://piecingmypuzzle.
I never regularly accused you of cheating. I accused you of being secretive and possibly having inapropriate emotional relationships much like ours when you were with Anna. Please read this again: http://piecingmypuzzle.
3. verbal abuse - please refer to the emails you have sent me over the past week. copying and pasting here would just be redundant.
My response:
Telling you how I feel about certain things is not verbal abuse. Calling me a cunt and telling me the shut the fuck up all the time is.
3. emotional abuse - refer to the emails once again. those are references you make toward me most of the time and I'm over it.
My response:
I did the farthest from this. I coddled you. If you were upset I begged you to cuddle snuggle (Use that Friday I had to work at the living room as a good example of that) I tried to get you to "come back to me" and you KNOW this too. How many times have a nicely asked you to "come back to me"? HOW many times have I asked "Are you ok? Are you mad at me?" Cause you were ALWAYS mad at me and could blow a gasket at any time. THAT is emotional abuse honey.
4. you want nothing to do with my family (your words)
My response:
You created this. By telling me bad things that they say about me all the time when they have absolutely NO reason to. You created a situation where I was so uncomfortable to be around them cause they all talk so much shit about me. I did nothing to deserve these judgements and why the fuck would you tell me these things? What purpose did it serve other than hurting me? Please ask yourself.
5. I can't have friends that you don't approve of.
My response:
This is the biggest bullshit I've ever read. I BEGGED to be introduced to your friends and be part of your peer group!!!! BEGGED! YOU NEVER LET ME! You wouldn't invite me into your peer group. I was an outsider the entire time! You know this is true because we had lengthy discussion about it multiple times!!! I "approve" of ALL your friends I just wanted to MEET THEM!!!!
A second email from me: (A bit mean of me but very honest at the same time)
"***** is laughing right. She remembers what i remember the same way
and thinks its funny how many times she heard you change your stories
right in front of her all the time. Its pretty funny to her right
now. wiah you could see what we see honey"
and thinks its funny how many times she heard you change your stories
right in front of her all the time. Its pretty funny to her right
now. wiah you could see what we see honey"
Prince Charming's response:
"then you should tell her about the inappropriate text messages and phone calls you would make from my phone to tiffany and brittany between 1:30a and 4am. please get help! stop emailing me!"
When I got THIS last night I was floored!!!! WHAT?! Is he talking about the texts that I took pictures of? Um.. I was in SF and he was in Long Beach when those texts were exchanged!!
And when is this 1:30am - 4am date that he is talking about?! Whu?
He has this software on his phone that allows him to call from another number. When I didn't want to talk to him for one reason or another he would call from my sons number KNOWING I would pick up the call. (I have NO Idea how this works and how it's legal) Did he use that and text her from my phone number?!
REALLY WTF IS HE TALKING ABOUT?! I held his phone snooping ONCE and would NEVER send a text to ANY OF HIS CONTACTS!! And Brit?! The first I ever heard about her was 24 hours before we broke up?!
Is he accusing me of doing this for months? I ONLY SNOOPED A COUPLE WEEKS AGO! After we broke up? IMPOSSIBLE! I LEFT RIGHT AWAY THE NEXT MORNING and trust me he didn't leave his phone anywhere close to me!
I have thought about this for an entire day and all I can come up with is that HE sent these texts at whatever point in time AFTER we broke up and TOLD THEM that I stole his phone and did this!!? OR He is blaming his OWN ummm and quote "inappropriate" texts on me while we were together.. WHAT?!?! So he defamed MY character with a LIE to get these people to hate me and so he can become a victim?
FAIR! Emotional pain makes you do STUPID STUFF.. But then to accuse me of doing it knowing full well that I NEVER DID?!?!? INSANE!!!!!
Time stamps on these mysterious texts I sent? IF THEY MATCH UP WITH US BEING TOGETHER THEY WERE HIS INAPPROPRIATE TEXTS!!! IF THEY DON'T HE SENT THEM AFTER OUR BREAKUP!
What the eff is he talking about?! It's like he just plopped his crazy down right in front of me and said ,"See... I'm nuts.... I going to accuse you of something we both know you didn't do.. but rather that I did in your name to make people hate you"
WHAT?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!?
This is what I've suspected he's done with his friends and family for our entire relationship (IE the mean comments and me never meeting anyone) BUT PUT IT IN MY FACE LIKE THAT!!! OBVIOUSLY I KNOW THE TRUTH!! IT"S INSANE!!!!!!
Completely taken back by this one. And I'm the crazy one.
I'm so floored and pissed at crazy world I couldn't even write this out well. omg.
When I got THIS last night I was floored!!!! WHAT?! Is he talking about the texts that I took pictures of? Um.. I was in SF and he was in Long Beach when those texts were exchanged!!
And when is this 1:30am - 4am date that he is talking about?! Whu?
He has this software on his phone that allows him to call from another number. When I didn't want to talk to him for one reason or another he would call from my sons number KNOWING I would pick up the call. (I have NO Idea how this works and how it's legal) Did he use that and text her from my phone number?!
REALLY WTF IS HE TALKING ABOUT?! I held his phone snooping ONCE and would NEVER send a text to ANY OF HIS CONTACTS!! And Brit?! The first I ever heard about her was 24 hours before we broke up?!
Is he accusing me of doing this for months? I ONLY SNOOPED A COUPLE WEEKS AGO! After we broke up? IMPOSSIBLE! I LEFT RIGHT AWAY THE NEXT MORNING and trust me he didn't leave his phone anywhere close to me!
I have thought about this for an entire day and all I can come up with is that HE sent these texts at whatever point in time AFTER we broke up and TOLD THEM that I stole his phone and did this!!? OR He is blaming his OWN ummm and quote "inappropriate" texts on me while we were together.. WHAT?!?! So he defamed MY character with a LIE to get these people to hate me and so he can become a victim?
FAIR! Emotional pain makes you do STUPID STUFF.. But then to accuse me of doing it knowing full well that I NEVER DID?!?!? INSANE!!!!!
Time stamps on these mysterious texts I sent? IF THEY MATCH UP WITH US BEING TOGETHER THEY WERE HIS INAPPROPRIATE TEXTS!!! IF THEY DON'T HE SENT THEM AFTER OUR BREAKUP!
What the eff is he talking about?! It's like he just plopped his crazy down right in front of me and said ,"See... I'm nuts.... I going to accuse you of something we both know you didn't do.. but rather that I did in your name to make people hate you"
WHAT?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!?
This is what I've suspected he's done with his friends and family for our entire relationship (IE the mean comments and me never meeting anyone) BUT PUT IT IN MY FACE LIKE THAT!!! OBVIOUSLY I KNOW THE TRUTH!! IT"S INSANE!!!!!!
Completely taken back by this one. And I'm the crazy one.
I'm so floored and pissed at crazy world I couldn't even write this out well. omg.
Friday, August 20, 2010
"You are not well"
The last thing he said to me.
I am not well. But not for the reasons he is stating.
I am boggled by this whole experience. Years ago he contacted me, told me all these stories that woo'ed my heart and mind. I had no intention or even thought of him dating or romantically. But year after year this "love" story he told me seeped into every fiber of my body mind and spirit.
Once we were together physically the intensity was overwhelming but there was a major problem. Our foundation was built on a platform of emotional cheating.
We had plans to get together while he was in a long term relationship. He almost even bought a house with her while our emotional relationship was strong and alive.
We would do things write notes on scrap paper saying "I love you **** ***** Marry me" and show them to each other on ichat while his partner was in their bed sleeping.
Once he was single I told him to take some time and play the field before we started our time together. He said, "No I know what I want and it's you" I believed him knowing that he needed to heal from that relationship before anything positive could happen with us. But I couldn't resist. My heart was that entangled in this awesome future we had planned.
Within a few weeks it was obvious that he was not ready for what I thought we had. While talking to me on ichat about marriage he went onto another womans myspace and write ,"MARRY ME!!!!!!" He would frequent the dating website constantly. Some of his friends wrote some slanderous statements on with facebook page that were obviously about me laughing at me publically.
I was hurt and humiliated. I had one version of commitment and love for the relationship. He had a very different version.
My version doesn't exist. It never existed. I held onto it in my heart for years. The physical intensity made me believe it was possible. SO INTENSE!
So I am not well. Something inside me allowed me to put up with all the emotional abuse, name calling, emotional cheating and manipulations. Something allowed me to suffer through all of this for what? A story. A fantasy that was told me that i wanted so so bad. A fantasy that just does not exist.
I allowed myself to be treated with such disrespect and threw my dignity out the window for a made up story. Fiction.
I am not well.
I am not well. But not for the reasons he is stating.
I am boggled by this whole experience. Years ago he contacted me, told me all these stories that woo'ed my heart and mind. I had no intention or even thought of him dating or romantically. But year after year this "love" story he told me seeped into every fiber of my body mind and spirit.
Once we were together physically the intensity was overwhelming but there was a major problem. Our foundation was built on a platform of emotional cheating.
We had plans to get together while he was in a long term relationship. He almost even bought a house with her while our emotional relationship was strong and alive.
We would do things write notes on scrap paper saying "I love you **** ***** Marry me" and show them to each other on ichat while his partner was in their bed sleeping.
Once he was single I told him to take some time and play the field before we started our time together. He said, "No I know what I want and it's you" I believed him knowing that he needed to heal from that relationship before anything positive could happen with us. But I couldn't resist. My heart was that entangled in this awesome future we had planned.
Within a few weeks it was obvious that he was not ready for what I thought we had. While talking to me on ichat about marriage he went onto another womans myspace and write ,"MARRY ME!!!!!!" He would frequent the dating website constantly. Some of his friends wrote some slanderous statements on with facebook page that were obviously about me laughing at me publically.
I was hurt and humiliated. I had one version of commitment and love for the relationship. He had a very different version.
My version doesn't exist. It never existed. I held onto it in my heart for years. The physical intensity made me believe it was possible. SO INTENSE!
So I am not well. Something inside me allowed me to put up with all the emotional abuse, name calling, emotional cheating and manipulations. Something allowed me to suffer through all of this for what? A story. A fantasy that was told me that i wanted so so bad. A fantasy that just does not exist.
I allowed myself to be treated with such disrespect and threw my dignity out the window for a made up story. Fiction.
I am not well.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Please Read and see Attachments
TO: Prince Charming
"never accuse me of something unless you have solid proof" -Prince Charming, Friday August 6th 2010
And how would you propose I get this proof?
Your emotional traps were genious.
example: I can't accuse you of going onto a dating website unless I have solid proof... but if I printed your profile with login dates and times I was stalking him and crazy
example: You can obviously be secretive about communication with a female outside our relationship but if I snoop into your phone for proof I am "crossing a line"
I had solid proof when you said that. I had these pictures for over a week.
and I only did what you asked. You asked me for proof so I showed you proof honey.
I miss you dearly but You betrayed my trust, the trust in our relationship, broke my heart and hurt me to my core.
I asked three things of you: Honesty, Transparency and loyalty. All 3 were never given to me.
I told you three things that would hurt me to my core:
-Constantly Frequenting dating websites (my stomach would drop to my toes and I would be struck with panic)
-Having an inappropriate emotional relationship with a woman outside our relationship and hiding them from me (similar to how our relationship started when you were with Anna)
-Physically cheating on me. (that's obvious)
You did the first two without a doubt and by these texts and what you said about thinking about cheating on me when you get mad at me there was definitely intent to cheat.
Intent to cheat is as much as a betrayal at cheating itself. So yes. You did cheat on me in three very distinct ways.
Don't go blaming out demise on a personality difference. I am a solid woman with everything to offer. I am kind, giving, supportive, understanding and so so many other things that make a relationship solid and stable. It was your actions and betrayal that in the end broke us apart.
No honest woman is going to put up with this behavior and I tolerated it for far too long.
If these things were not a part of our lives together we would have lasted a lifetime.. I happy lifetime.
And yes. honey.. I know more than you think I know and I've known for a long time with noway to confront you about it without us breaking up. That's where my unhappiness stemmed from. I had no platform to discuss your bad behavior and things that you were doing that emotionally hurt me. The threat of you leaving was always dangled over my head. And don't tell me I'm misinterpretting these texts. Noone and I mean Noone that has seen these texts has had a different interpretation than me.
I love you. I am processing all of this and this is how I process stuff. Please respect it. Wish you could apologize.
And like a serial cheater.. notice that Tiffany's phone number is her "work" number. Cause she's at "work" at 1:15am. No. It's just a lie. That's her cell phone. "But honey... she's at work." He told me they were old old friends. Yah. Bet they met on a dating website. I will never know what was real and what was a lie."never accuse me of something unless you have solid proof" -Prince Charming, Friday August 6th 2010
And how would you propose I get this proof?
Your emotional traps were genious.
example: I can't accuse you of going onto a dating website unless I have solid proof... but if I printed your profile with login dates and times I was stalking him and crazy
example: You can obviously be secretive about communication with a female outside our relationship but if I snoop into your phone for proof I am "crossing a line"
I had solid proof when you said that. I had these pictures for over a week.
and I only did what you asked. You asked me for proof so I showed you proof honey.
I miss you dearly but You betrayed my trust, the trust in our relationship, broke my heart and hurt me to my core.
I asked three things of you: Honesty, Transparency and loyalty. All 3 were never given to me.
I told you three things that would hurt me to my core:
-Constantly Frequenting dating websites (my stomach would drop to my toes and I would be struck with panic)
-Having an inappropriate emotional relationship with a woman outside our relationship and hiding them from me (similar to how our relationship started when you were with Anna)
-Physically cheating on me. (that's obvious)
You did the first two without a doubt and by these texts and what you said about thinking about cheating on me when you get mad at me there was definitely intent to cheat.
Intent to cheat is as much as a betrayal at cheating itself. So yes. You did cheat on me in three very distinct ways.
Don't go blaming out demise on a personality difference. I am a solid woman with everything to offer. I am kind, giving, supportive, understanding and so so many other things that make a relationship solid and stable. It was your actions and betrayal that in the end broke us apart.
No honest woman is going to put up with this behavior and I tolerated it for far too long.
If these things were not a part of our lives together we would have lasted a lifetime.. I happy lifetime.
And yes. honey.. I know more than you think I know and I've known for a long time with noway to confront you about it without us breaking up. That's where my unhappiness stemmed from. I had no platform to discuss your bad behavior and things that you were doing that emotionally hurt me. The threat of you leaving was always dangled over my head. And don't tell me I'm misinterpretting these texts. Noone and I mean Noone that has seen these texts has had a different interpretation than me.
I love you. I am processing all of this and this is how I process stuff. Please respect it. Wish you could apologize.
He has a lot of "friends" "work" numbers in his phone. A TON.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Did you really just say that?
That's what I was thinking last Friday when we were walking home from dinner and he stated, "I think about cheating on you when I'm mad at you."
WHAT?! Did that seriously just come out of his mouth?
I had made it very clear what my boundaries were and what I perceived as a betrayal. These are things that have the same effect as physical cheating to me. Same raw emotions and physical reaction. These are also things that are totally specific to this relationship based on our past.
Constantly Frequenting dating websites (my stomach would drop to my toes)
Having an inappropriate emotional relationship with a woman outside our relationship and hiding them from me (similar to how our relationship started when he was with his ex)
Physically cheating on me. (that's obvious)
I absolutely know he has done 2 out the 3 and from the texts I saw and the statement above it seems the third one had been tackled or was planning on being tackled as well.
This is only one of many verbal outbursts he's thrown my way over the past several months. All of them harsh and degrading and things that I really did NOT need to know.
I ponder why he continually did this to me. To hurt me? To make me feel weak? To increase my desperation and fear of losing him so I would hold more tightly? Control? Or was it a hint that HE wanted out.
I suppose I will never know.
I've had some conversations with friends and acquaintances over the last few days and I've learned something that I hope sticks with me. Everyone has a Prince Charming that they had to let go. I relationship that had the highest highs they have ever experienced that came along with the lowest lows.
Many of these people I had spoken with are now happily married with children to men that are not so manic with their love. They all surprisingly speak about their exes like it was still in their heads the most amazing love they have ever experienced but are happier with their more stable relationship that they just have not reached the same highs in.
It comforted me that they could move on, still remember the greatness of their past and be completely happy in another perhaps not so exciting relationship.
I will have to try this out.
WHAT?! Did that seriously just come out of his mouth?
I had made it very clear what my boundaries were and what I perceived as a betrayal. These are things that have the same effect as physical cheating to me. Same raw emotions and physical reaction. These are also things that are totally specific to this relationship based on our past.
Constantly Frequenting dating websites (my stomach would drop to my toes)
Having an inappropriate emotional relationship with a woman outside our relationship and hiding them from me (similar to how our relationship started when he was with his ex)
Physically cheating on me. (that's obvious)
I absolutely know he has done 2 out the 3 and from the texts I saw and the statement above it seems the third one had been tackled or was planning on being tackled as well.
This is only one of many verbal outbursts he's thrown my way over the past several months. All of them harsh and degrading and things that I really did NOT need to know.
I ponder why he continually did this to me. To hurt me? To make me feel weak? To increase my desperation and fear of losing him so I would hold more tightly? Control? Or was it a hint that HE wanted out.
I suppose I will never know.
I've had some conversations with friends and acquaintances over the last few days and I've learned something that I hope sticks with me. Everyone has a Prince Charming that they had to let go. I relationship that had the highest highs they have ever experienced that came along with the lowest lows.
Many of these people I had spoken with are now happily married with children to men that are not so manic with their love. They all surprisingly speak about their exes like it was still in their heads the most amazing love they have ever experienced but are happier with their more stable relationship that they just have not reached the same highs in.
It comforted me that they could move on, still remember the greatness of their past and be completely happy in another perhaps not so exciting relationship.
I will have to try this out.
Friday, August 13, 2010
My worst fears
The fear of losing Prince charming and of him emotionally cheating on me. Obviously physical cheating is included but emotionally innapropriate relationships outside our relationship terrified me. That's how our relationship started. For years we had a very deep emotional relationship with hopes for a future while he was in a long term relationship so I knew it was a possibility that it would happen again.. this time to me. It did.
Physical cheating you have a set period of time where you betray your partner.
Emotional cheating is an ongoing relationship that is deep and personal. Usually includes future plans.
Put them together then you have a full on relationship.
He knew this fear existed. Of course this fear existed! And then the fear was a reality.
I am hurt, angry, confused, beating myself, SAD, PISSED, in disbelief, kicking myself, looking in the mirror and saying "DUH..." while still struggling with the "I deserved this" and "It's all my fault".
The worst part about all of this is that he knew this fear and it's like he toyed with it. Constantly putting his secretive behavior in front of me... his constant threats to leave. I AM SO HURT! TO MY CORE! And he doesn't even acknowledge it. He acts as if I'm a crazy bitch and he's an angel. This infuriates me! I am pulling my hair out that he is playing the victim here!
I don't only know of one but two of these types of relationships that he currently has and has had throughout our relationship! WTF!?!?!
I need to let go. I need to not care that he has turned it on me and is now "mad at me". I just don't have the tools right now to do it. He will always be like this. Nothing will change. We are at the absolute point of no return. There is no turning back! It's done! Why can't I let go?!
One of my dear friends asked me the other day "Why do you love him". My mind was blank. This was odd because I used to be able to go off for hours telling him all the reasons why I loved him! But that day.. nothing... absolutely nothing came to mind. I asked my friend if I could think about it.
A few minutes later I realized that I was feeling sad and missing this love story he tells about us. This love story that he woo'ed me with. This love story that he tells to me almost everyday. This love story that is so far from the reality of being with him.. but it's such a good story. They could make a screenplay about it and it would be a blockbuster. In fact we had talked about doing that!
So I am in love with a story. A story that isn't close to reality. How do I escape this fantasy that runs my emotions though? I don't know how. I'm stuck on the love story running through my head over and over again. I just don't know what to do.
Physical cheating you have a set period of time where you betray your partner.
Emotional cheating is an ongoing relationship that is deep and personal. Usually includes future plans.
Put them together then you have a full on relationship.
He knew this fear existed. Of course this fear existed! And then the fear was a reality.
I am hurt, angry, confused, beating myself, SAD, PISSED, in disbelief, kicking myself, looking in the mirror and saying "DUH..." while still struggling with the "I deserved this" and "It's all my fault".
The worst part about all of this is that he knew this fear and it's like he toyed with it. Constantly putting his secretive behavior in front of me... his constant threats to leave. I AM SO HURT! TO MY CORE! And he doesn't even acknowledge it. He acts as if I'm a crazy bitch and he's an angel. This infuriates me! I am pulling my hair out that he is playing the victim here!
I don't only know of one but two of these types of relationships that he currently has and has had throughout our relationship! WTF!?!?!
I need to let go. I need to not care that he has turned it on me and is now "mad at me". I just don't have the tools right now to do it. He will always be like this. Nothing will change. We are at the absolute point of no return. There is no turning back! It's done! Why can't I let go?!
One of my dear friends asked me the other day "Why do you love him". My mind was blank. This was odd because I used to be able to go off for hours telling him all the reasons why I loved him! But that day.. nothing... absolutely nothing came to mind. I asked my friend if I could think about it.
A few minutes later I realized that I was feeling sad and missing this love story he tells about us. This love story that he woo'ed me with. This love story that he tells to me almost everyday. This love story that is so far from the reality of being with him.. but it's such a good story. They could make a screenplay about it and it would be a blockbuster. In fact we had talked about doing that!
So I am in love with a story. A story that isn't close to reality. How do I escape this fantasy that runs my emotions though? I don't know how. I'm stuck on the love story running through my head over and over again. I just don't know what to do.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
I Deserved This.
Another statement an emotionally abused person throws around their head and what I keep telling myself today. The five stages of grief in order are:
-locked me out of a hotel room
Denial
Bargaining
Anger
Depression
Acceptance
On my drive home I was 100% in the Anger phase. I was hoping that I had done enough processing to skip Denial and Bargaining, the two hardest stages for me personally. But today I find myself in Bargaining and I'm kicking myself. I think the only reason I am in this phase again is because I fucked up and had contact with him yesterday. I really screwed up.
So as I go through this cycle where my thoughts go as follows....
But the good was REALLY good...
I can't give up x,y,z about him....
I'm going to miss x,y and z......
I can't live without x, y and z.....
I'll never find something like this again.....
It wasn't that bad....
was it really that bad....
I should have done something different.....
Why couldn't I just have been more patient......
And then it happens. I start to remember instances. Specific moments and I think to myself ,"Did I deserve that". As I go through them in my head I get in a good v.s. evil fight between anger and bargaining that goes a little like this.....
Anger: "I didn't deserve that"...
Then to Bargaining...."But Prince told me I deserved it for reasons a, b, and c".....
Back to anger..... "But really? Is there a good enough reason to do that to someone?"......
Back to bargaining....."Am I wrong? Is he right? Did I really do something THAT wrong".....
And onto anger "No... I've never done anything that wrong in life in general but especially to him"
and "No! NOONE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE DESERVES THAT"
If I could just stay on that last thought I would be ok. The following thoughts are a few that get me there...
-threatened to call the cops on me
-outwardly shows me that he's keeping secrets.
-turned his friends against me by talking poorly about me. (they have never met me so how could they have an accurate opinion?)
-turned his family against me using the same method
Now let's discuss this small list in detail.
-locked me out of a hotel room at 3am
We were out of town for his work and we had to get up very early every morning so I could drive him to the work site. Our hotel room was normal sized with a balcony and a very small bathroom. He snores. Nothing new. If it's bad enough to keep me awake I will sleep somewhere else for a few hours almost always making it back to bed before he notices. No big deal. There was nowhere for me to go but the bathroom and I didn't want to wake him up knowing he had longs days ahead and i could come back to the room and nap. So I took a blanket and pillow and slept in the bathroom and made it back to bed before he woke up. I did this for 2 nights. I was not worried about it AT ALL. It was not a big deal to me. I mentioned it to him at some point casually. He felt bad but I told him not to. I just wanted to make sure he got his sleep for work. He thought about getting a roll away to sleep on that night just in case. I told him not to worry about it.
The last night we were there we went out for drinks. I hit a wall and wanted to go back to the hotel to lay down. I was exhausted (probably from not really sleeping for 2 days) On the way back to the hotel he starts saying he's going to go get the roll away.. I beg him to just come to bed with me. He keeps pushing and pushing with a stank attitude. I beg and beg for him to just come to bed. I need a break. I walk downstairs and have 3 puffs of a cig and come back to the room. He is gone. He went and got the roll away and decided that HE was going to sleep in the bathroom. I begged him to come to bed more and more and more. He proceeded to put the mattress in the tiny bathroom and shut AND lock the door. I begged some more and then brought up the point about me needing to use the bathroom. The mattress blocked the door so you couldn't open it. He said I could go to the lobby if I needed.
At this point I am so upset and I feel trapped. I don't want to be there anymore. I pack up my things and think about sleeping in the car. I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I decide sleeping in my car is not going to work out so I go back up to the room. I open the door with the room key only to find that the latch in locked. I beg him to let me in as he stands on the other side of the door saying, "See what you get when you act like this? See what your behavior gets you? haha. ha. You can sleep in the hallway now" This goes on for several minutes when he says "I'm going to smoke" He is going to smoke on the balcony completely stranding me outside the hotel room. I go to the front desk and luckily they had a room open. I have to buy my own hotel room. At about 8am I get up and go back to our room. The latch is unlocked and go in to cuddle with him, We cuddle for awhile and then he decides he still PISSED at me. blah blah blah happens and I finally get him to calm down. But I feel emotionally beaten.
Now, did I deserve this? NO. Was I still being punished the next day? YES
I don't care what he thinks I did.. Noone should EVER be locked out of a hotel room short of domestic violence. The reality is the next day he told me that he thought I was mad at him for checking out a waitress at the bar the night before and that's why I wanted to go home. Ummm no honey... you were watching wrestling on the tv. I knew this. I WAS TIRED. So he got his panties in a bunch with end result of me being abadoned in a hotel hallway at 3am.
-threatened to call the cops on me.
Am I a felon? Did I chase him around the house throwing punches? With a baseball bat? Was I trying to cause him bodily harm in any way shape or form? Was I screaming at the top of my lungs freaking out?
NO.
I simply did what he asked and gave him solid proof that he was being inappropriate and secretive with another woman. He told me to leave the next day. I woke up extremely early, had a smoke and went back to bed for a bit longer. This is the point where he told me to leave. I said "no, i'm going to go back to bed for awhile"..
"If you're not gone by 11 I'm calling the cops."
Now did I deserve that? I was obviously going to leave. I had only gotten 5 hours of sleep at that point and I needed some more sleep before I drove 6.5 hours home. Call the cops? Really? How insulting. This is even harder to get over for me than getting locked out of the hotel room. To be treated like a criminal because he got busted? After he ASKED me for proof. Come on.
I did NOT deserve that.
-outwardly shows me that he's keeping secrets
I think this is a game for him. What does it take to ryle Heather up? Either he consiously was obvious about hiding texting from me to stir me up or he's just stupid and doesn't realize how transparent he is. These episodes were just so frustrating for me. It was like he was a kid with a cookie behind his back telling me "No... I don't have a cookie.. No I don't"
Example: Last Friday his phone was blowin up with texts from that female friend. He would obviously want to get his phone to look at it but wouldn't until we were safely apart... other side of the car, different aisle in the grocery store, etc, etc. But I can still see him and watch him do it and if I approached him he would put his phoen away quickly. Come on dude. Really? If he texted while I was relatively close he would turn the phone at an awkward angle so I couldn't see the screen or turn his back to me for the the length of the text. And we all know when sneakily took the phone down to the laundry room that night. It's so obvious and transparent that it really felt like a game. If not he's just that stupid.
I do not deserve that.
-turned his friends against me by talking poorly about me.
I've never had the chance to meet these people so their opinions of me are obviously skewed by verbal vomit coming out of Prince Charmings mouth. Their opinions can't be accurate cause THEY DON"T KNOW ME... HAVE NEVER MET ME. But to turn the majority of ones friends against your significant other that you supposedly want to spend the rest of your life with? I was not invited into his peer group for some reason. I guess I will never know why.
-turned his family against me using the same method
Same as above only they have met me a couple of times where each time he would pick a huge fight with me or tell me bad things they said about. I mentioned this in an earlier post.
The list goes on but these 6 things keep me angry and anger is good right now. I think I might write them on my hand so when I feel weak and wanting to bargain.. I can just look down and feel angry again.
The reality is that there is no chance of fixing this relationship. There never was. His family is against me, his friends are against me and honestly the insult to call the cops on me? WTF!? There is nothing to go back to. It's done done and done. This is what makes me very sad.
The reality is that there is no chance of fixing this relationship. There never was. His family is against me, his friends are against me and honestly the insult to call the cops on me? WTF!? There is nothing to go back to. It's done done and done. This is what makes me very sad.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
It's all my fault.
This is what an emotionally abused person tells themself over and over again everyday. This is what I have been repeating in my head all day. To try and find some clarity I started reading about emotional abuse... the symptoms, the process, characteristics, the cycle and I found this questionaire. I think it will help me to go through and answer each question for myself.
An abusive partner will railroad discussions, so that you don't have time to think about what's right and what's wrong in their behavior.
Take a moment to consider these questions. Your partner might have behaved as though these things were okay, even though it's obvious that they aren't okay...:
Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?
-I was not allowed to express disappointment or unhappiness although after big blow outs he would tell me that all I had to do was talk calmly to him about it. Most attempts that I made were thrown back in my face by changing the actual subject that I brought up and flipping it on me. There is an example of that from my post about "Did I make it through the weekend".
Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?
-Oh man, this is a huge one. I have been called every name in the book including CUNT. He once told me that I'm too old to start a family with him (I can't get my "shit" together in time for my eggs to be viable for us to start a family) so he's going to search for a younger woman..... Which he did. He signed up to a new dating website looking for women 22-28yrs old that week. He constantly told me bad things his family would say about me (when they had no reason to do so except if they are basing anything off of slanderous comments made by him), He constantly threatened to break up with me for every reason in the book... I'm not good enough, young enough, not successful enough, he can't see dealing with my bad behavior for the long term.. and on and on and on.
He just recently told me that he thinks about cheating on me when he's mad at me but I should be proud that he doesn't actually do it and that there is not enough "incentive" to move into a home together.
Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?
- I can't think of anything. He was pretty supportive on my out-goingness. He offended complimented me telling me that I get him to do things that he would never think of doing. Things as simple as riding to bus in his neighborhood, trying anything new. He liked that I took him out of his shell and we offen reveled in all the new things that I've gotten him to do over the years.
Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?
- In the 2.5 yrs that we dated I only met 2 of his friends who were male. I was not allowed to be his friend on facebook or myspace though he frequented the pages often. He would tell me negative comments his family would say about me making it unbearable and uncomfortable to be around them. He gave me a nickname when talking to his female friends. I was called "San Francisco" and they knew that if he said he was in "San Francisco" that I was around and he also told ME that he warned all of his female friends not to contact him while in SF as status updates on his facebook page when he would come to visit me. I really know nothing about his social life and often brought up that it's weird to think of meeting his friends for the first time AT our wedding.
He also demanded that I stop talking about our fights, issues, problems and anything else about our relationship with my friends and made a strong request to stop hanging out with my friend with whom I dated for a short spell.
Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?
- No the opposite. He actually gave me ultimatums about work. He threatened to leave me if I didn't find a job asap. I was interviewing but the market was hard. I got an offer that I decided to turn down.
Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?
- Not that I know of.
Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?
-This was a key element in our relationship. So key I even named it "Shutting me out". If he were to get mad or caught up on something (even as small as me being on an important phone call at the wrong time) he would run away and have no contact with me for hours, days, sometimes weeks. This would put me into a panic where I would try to get him to come back by apologizing or sending him sweet nothings for as long as it took. There was also this weird aspect that I just started rationally noticing a few months ago where we would be SOOOOO happy and things would be going well and then suddenly I was being "pushy" or "annoying" and he would back off and shut me out. It seemed like it happened if I gave him TOO much attention. So I was always on this yo-yo of HOW MUCH attention to give him.. Too little would cause him to freak out and too much would cause him to push me away. He also has manic highs and manic lows that come out of the blue. He would NEVER go see a doctor about it so I asked my psychiatrist about over the counter supplements for Bi-polar disorder. She recommended a few and told me what NOT to take (SAMe can have dramatic negative effects on a bipolar person). He took the supplements thinking they were good for his mind, heart and general health. I noticed a dramatic change in his mood swings and it was very obvious when he had not taken them. So I would just say... go on honey don't forget your supplements! I want you to be healthy!
Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?
- Sometimes. Especially when he was going home or I was leaving his house. Didn't want to leave him unsatisfied which would cause issues and arguements about his needs being fulfilled OR EVEN WORSE getting on a dating website or running to one of his secret flirtatious female freindships (like the one he had with me when he dated his last serious girlfriend)
Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?
- Constantly. Trapped emotionally and physically. An example of physical entrapment is in my post "I will contact you when I contact you" I was so petrified of losing him. If we ever broke up he would NEVER talk to me again. I still don't want that and am I'm still petrified of that. Even after our wouds were healed he would still want me completely out of his life.
His emotional traps were ingenious. One example: I can't accuse him of going onto a dating website unless I have solid proof... but if I printed his profile with login dates and times I was stalking him and crazy.
I have a billion example of feeling trapped.
Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?
-He kicked my bathroom door into pieces once after locking himself in my bathroom while I was trying to get him to come cuddle to sleep with me. He mad about something stupid and I was begging him to come to bed and we could talk about it in the morning.
Are you afraid of your partner?
-Yes. I was scared to do anything to upset him. I was scared of his threats to leave and would do anything to calm him down. These threats to leave really felt like a control mechanism. They were always followed with a "you need to change this" or "you can't do this" or "you need to stop this" and I would conform because of my fear of losing him.
That was heinous! I'll probably add to this when my mind is cleared if I remember more. I feel like I'm a complaining baby!
The Cycle of Abuse we definitely followed verbatum. This is the cycle that I was concerned about repeating yesterday.
The Process I am familiar with not only from the Prince but CEDU and Brent. I have underlined in bold everything that resonates with me only about Prince Charming.
Your partner might control your finances, make plans for you, or not tell you what his plans areuntil the last minute. He may talk about you to others behind your back, to isolate you from them.
2. The brainwasher controls the victim's time and physical environment, and works to suppress much of the victim's old behavior. The victim is slowly, or abruptly, isolated from all supportive persons except the brainwasher.
Your partner might have insisted that you stop certain social, hobby, or work activities. You might have gotten moved to a new location, farther away from your family and friends. Or you may have been asked (or told) to reduce or stop contact with specific supportive people in your life.
3. The brainwasher creates in the victim a sense of powerlessness, fear, and dependency.
Verbal and emotional abuse creates these emotions, and they become stronger and stronger over time.
4. The brainwasher works to instill new behavior and attitudes in the victim.
Your partner trains to you behave in ways that he wants you to behave. He gradually makes you feel differently about yourself, and erodes your confidence in yourself.
5. The brainwasher puts forth a closed system of logic, and allows no real input or criticism.
In other words -- What he says, goes.
And now for Characteristics. From what I know about the Prince I will underline in bold all characteristics that apply to him.
An abusive partner will railroad discussions, so that you don't have time to think about what's right and what's wrong in their behavior.
Take a moment to consider these questions. Your partner might have behaved as though these things were okay, even though it's obvious that they aren't okay...:
Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?
-I was not allowed to express disappointment or unhappiness although after big blow outs he would tell me that all I had to do was talk calmly to him about it. Most attempts that I made were thrown back in my face by changing the actual subject that I brought up and flipping it on me. There is an example of that from my post about "Did I make it through the weekend".
Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?
-Oh man, this is a huge one. I have been called every name in the book including CUNT. He once told me that I'm too old to start a family with him (I can't get my "shit" together in time for my eggs to be viable for us to start a family) so he's going to search for a younger woman..... Which he did. He signed up to a new dating website looking for women 22-28yrs old that week. He constantly told me bad things his family would say about me (when they had no reason to do so except if they are basing anything off of slanderous comments made by him), He constantly threatened to break up with me for every reason in the book... I'm not good enough, young enough, not successful enough, he can't see dealing with my bad behavior for the long term.. and on and on and on.
He just recently told me that he thinks about cheating on me when he's mad at me but I should be proud that he doesn't actually do it and that there is not enough "incentive" to move into a home together.
Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?
- I can't think of anything. He was pretty supportive on my out-goingness. He offended complimented me telling me that I get him to do things that he would never think of doing. Things as simple as riding to bus in his neighborhood, trying anything new. He liked that I took him out of his shell and we offen reveled in all the new things that I've gotten him to do over the years.
Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?
- In the 2.5 yrs that we dated I only met 2 of his friends who were male. I was not allowed to be his friend on facebook or myspace though he frequented the pages often. He would tell me negative comments his family would say about me making it unbearable and uncomfortable to be around them. He gave me a nickname when talking to his female friends. I was called "San Francisco" and they knew that if he said he was in "San Francisco" that I was around and he also told ME that he warned all of his female friends not to contact him while in SF as status updates on his facebook page when he would come to visit me. I really know nothing about his social life and often brought up that it's weird to think of meeting his friends for the first time AT our wedding.
He also demanded that I stop talking about our fights, issues, problems and anything else about our relationship with my friends and made a strong request to stop hanging out with my friend with whom I dated for a short spell.
Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?
- No the opposite. He actually gave me ultimatums about work. He threatened to leave me if I didn't find a job asap. I was interviewing but the market was hard. I got an offer that I decided to turn down.
Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?
- Not that I know of.
Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?
-This was a key element in our relationship. So key I even named it "Shutting me out". If he were to get mad or caught up on something (even as small as me being on an important phone call at the wrong time) he would run away and have no contact with me for hours, days, sometimes weeks. This would put me into a panic where I would try to get him to come back by apologizing or sending him sweet nothings for as long as it took. There was also this weird aspect that I just started rationally noticing a few months ago where we would be SOOOOO happy and things would be going well and then suddenly I was being "pushy" or "annoying" and he would back off and shut me out. It seemed like it happened if I gave him TOO much attention. So I was always on this yo-yo of HOW MUCH attention to give him.. Too little would cause him to freak out and too much would cause him to push me away. He also has manic highs and manic lows that come out of the blue. He would NEVER go see a doctor about it so I asked my psychiatrist about over the counter supplements for Bi-polar disorder. She recommended a few and told me what NOT to take (SAMe can have dramatic negative effects on a bipolar person). He took the supplements thinking they were good for his mind, heart and general health. I noticed a dramatic change in his mood swings and it was very obvious when he had not taken them. So I would just say... go on honey don't forget your supplements! I want you to be healthy!
Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?
- Sometimes. Especially when he was going home or I was leaving his house. Didn't want to leave him unsatisfied which would cause issues and arguements about his needs being fulfilled OR EVEN WORSE getting on a dating website or running to one of his secret flirtatious female freindships (like the one he had with me when he dated his last serious girlfriend)
Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?
- Constantly. Trapped emotionally and physically. An example of physical entrapment is in my post "I will contact you when I contact you" I was so petrified of losing him. If we ever broke up he would NEVER talk to me again. I still don't want that and am I'm still petrified of that. Even after our wouds were healed he would still want me completely out of his life.
His emotional traps were ingenious. One example: I can't accuse him of going onto a dating website unless I have solid proof... but if I printed his profile with login dates and times I was stalking him and crazy.
I have a billion example of feeling trapped.
Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?
-He kicked my bathroom door into pieces once after locking himself in my bathroom while I was trying to get him to come cuddle to sleep with me. He mad about something stupid and I was begging him to come to bed and we could talk about it in the morning.
Are you afraid of your partner?
-Yes. I was scared to do anything to upset him. I was scared of his threats to leave and would do anything to calm him down. These threats to leave really felt like a control mechanism. They were always followed with a "you need to change this" or "you can't do this" or "you need to stop this" and I would conform because of my fear of losing him.
That was heinous! I'll probably add to this when my mind is cleared if I remember more. I feel like I'm a complaining baby!
The Cycle of Abuse we definitely followed verbatum. This is the cycle that I was concerned about repeating yesterday.
The Process I am familiar with not only from the Prince but CEDU and Brent. I have underlined in bold everything that resonates with me only about Prince Charming.
THE PROCESS OF BRAINWASHING
(MIND CONTROL)
1. The brainwasher keeps the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place.(MIND CONTROL)
Your partner might control your finances, make plans for you, or not tell you what his plans areuntil the last minute. He may talk about you to others behind your back, to isolate you from them.
Your partner might have insisted that you stop certain social, hobby, or work activities. You might have gotten moved to a new location, farther away from your family and friends. Or you may have been asked (or told) to reduce or stop contact with specific supportive people in your life.
Verbal and emotional abuse creates these emotions, and they become stronger and stronger over time.
Your partner trains to you behave in ways that he wants you to behave. He gradually makes you feel differently about yourself, and erodes your confidence in yourself.
5. The brainwasher puts forth a closed system of logic, and allows no real input or criticism.
In other words -- What he says, goes.
And now for Characteristics. From what I know about the Prince I will underline in bold all characteristics that apply to him.
* He was verbally abused as a child, or witnessed it in his own family.
* He has an explosive temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments.
* Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous. They experience an intense desire to control their mates.
* His sense of masculinity depends on the woman's dependency upon him. He feels like a man only if his partner is totally submissive and dependent on him.
* Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people. Their primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with their wife/girlfriend.
* He has low self-esteem.
* He has rigid expectations of marriage (or partnership) and will not compromise. He expects her to behave according to his expectations of what a wife should be like; often the way his parents' marriage was, or its opposite. He demands that she change to accommodate his expectations.
* He has a great capacity for self-deception. He projects the blame for his relationship difficulties onto his partner. He would not be drunk if she didn't nag him so much. He wouldn't get angry if only she would do what she's supposed to do. He denies the need for counseling because there's nothing wrong with him. Or he agrees to get counseling and then avoids it or makes excuses to not follow through. He might not want her to get counseling because, he reasons, she wouldn't have any problems if she only turned to him.
* He may be described as having a dual personality -- he is either charming or exceptionally cruel. He is selfish or generous depending on his mood.
* A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others. He can be cool, calm, charming and convincing: a con man.
* The mate is usually a symbol. The abuser doesn't relate to his partner as a person in her own right, but as a symbol of a significant other. This is especially true when he's angry. He assumes that she is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other -- often his mother.
And Projections ARE valid. He would project ALL of this onto me everyday.
All I can say is WOW. I need a break.
Monday, August 9, 2010
And let the games begin....
Well that was the FASTEST turn around. Yesterday he is threatening to call the cops on me if I'm not our of his apartment by 11am and today I get....
"
And here it starts. His attempt to keep my wounds open for whatever reason. To keep the door open while he thinks of an even better story to cover up his actions and keep me emotionally involved.
He started this initial communication today with,
"
a: I don't know why you're sticking to this ***** thing you know that just turns me on. :)
yes you have the memory of an elephant. Thank god because I can't remember anything if it's not written down. But good memory aside, you're also the score keeper in this relationship. we both know what that will do in a relationship. Score keeping tears a relationship apart because no one will ever be equal within the relationship at the same time. Someone will always be ahead and someone will always be behind. But somehow the scorekeeper usually stays ahead for the majority of the relationship. Why is that? Why is scorekeeping so important? Why isn't me just being completely in love with you enough to get through times of doubt?
And here it starts. His attempt to keep my wounds open for whatever reason. To keep the door open while he thinks of an even better story to cover up his actions and keep me emotionally involved.
It's not that I "keep score". I am very observant and I pay attention to small details. I don't even know what to type about this blurb he wrote because it's empty. There is nothing there but an attempt to keep me in the game by sweet talking me. I'll move on.
He started this initial communication today with,
"If you wanted out you just had to say so. You didn't need to start a fight"
This is a manipulation to make me responsible for our demise. To take the attention off of him. I wanted out so I started a fight about nothing to use as my excuse. NO. This is not what happened and you can see that very clearly if you read my last post. He got caught doing something wrong and doesn't want to own it. So why not try to confuse me into thinking it was my fault because I intended it to happen all along. I did not intend to see booty call texts in his phone. I clearly stated that I wanted to be proven wrong. I did not want him to hide phone calls and texts from me. I DID NOT want him to tell me to produce solid proof or shut the fuck up. The Prince is an expert at diversion. So here I am. And I'm feeling very defensive right now which means that it's having an effect on me!
NOOOOOOO!!!!
He has sent me about 15 emails. I will not read them because the inaccuracies are so astounding that it begs me to respond but I don't want to get all mixed up in a "he said she said". This will only confuse me further!
The facts are that he needs to cop out and come clean with any and all lies, manipulations and games before I even think about opening those emails. I can feel the games beginning again and I really need to break this cycle!!
I have sent him this response.
"If you want to cop out and come clean to all your games lies and manipulations I am willing to read all this and chat with you.. Take your time. If you have any questions about dates and times and what you made ME believe was going on I'll let you know. I Have the memory of an elephant.
Otherwise, I AM DEAD TO YOU"
Otherwise, I AM DEAD TO YOU"
I cannot go another round and get all emotionally tied up to fall into the same pattern as these issues get tucked under the rug again. I can already feel myself getting confused. He is blowing up my email right now with witty little cutsie inside jokey responses to my email.
I am going to use all I have to stick to my guns. All I ask for in a relationship is Honesty, Transparency and Loyalty. I am dead to him if he can't come clean with all he's done.
I had more on my mind but I'm so confused right now I'll have to continue later. I do know that this is a scary feeling that I'm going through right now. I'm calm and not upset. This is the feeling I get when we start the cycle over. My panic of saying goodbye goes away. I shouldn't be feeling this calm right now and I'm afraid that his manipulations have worked on me.
I NEED STRENGTH!
I NEED STRENGTH!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Did I make it through the weekend?
So I'm back and although I did make it through the weekend of my events, Prince Charming and I DID NOT make it through the weekend. We broke up.
We have broken up many times before (it's one of his fav threats!) but this time it is for real. I had some information about his behaviour that I knew would be the end all if he knew I knew... .. Well.. I couldn't keep it in anymore and now he knows I know and we are done. No turning back.
This weekend was a whirlwind of every problem we have ever had packed into 5 days of sucking it up to get through my events. Well.. t-minus 1 minute post the last event I blew a gasket. I divulged some peices of this information that I knew and it was over. It was hard to keep it all in so that my work environment would run smoothly.. It felt like when a women is in labor and the baby's coming and there's not turning back. It was time.
Prince has a habit of secretly texting and hiding things on his computer. If I need to use his computer he'll either put me on a "spaces" page that he never uses or clears his private data and history before he hands the computer over. He has an addiction to dating websites that we had tried to get a handle on.... he just got smarter about which ones he chose to sign up with and deleted all the accounts I knew about. I knew it was still going on but I keep chanting that ignorance is bliss as long as he's not communicating with anyone. But honestly.. how would I know.
So we went to dinner one night and we had a heart to heart where I explained to him how hurt I was when he logged onto one of these sites in his living room while I was sleeping in his bed, another time in my kitchen when I was taking a shower at MY house, the times he would log on 20 mins after dropping me off at the airport and most importantly when we were fighting about my age and having children he signed up for a new website seeking women between the ages of 22-28. It wasn't confrontational.. just polite chit chat about our past as he was telling me how much he loves me and how he doesn't feel like he has to sacrifice himself for me and how far we've come.
So I just threw it out there "Well I would hope that we are past the dating website stuff".. ..... ...... um yeah.... he started laughing and nuzzling me saying "oh yeah... yeah of course.. haha"
Obviously we are not past the dating website stuff.
So the next day his text message alerts are going off all day. He won't check his phone in front of me but rather waits for me to be in a different aisle at the grocery store or on the other side of the car or and then quickly looks and responds. I'm really annoyed by this. I don't like secrets. He knows it looks suspicious when he does this. This is something that we have talked and talked and talked about.
So then later in the evening his phone rings and he refuses to answer it in front of me. A short time after that he goes to the laundry to put the clothes in the dryer and sneakily swipes his phone to take downstairs with him (It was not in an obvious place for him to grab it) So I tell him immediately that it is OK to take his phones calls in front of me and that it's WEIRD when he hides shit like that from me! We get into an argument about me being nosy and that I "better have solid proof that he is doing something bad before I accuse him of it!"
He's a big "show me" guy. If you can't SHOW HIM then it does not exist or never happened. Since I always have to PROVE what I am talking about or shut the fuck up, I had taken it upon myself to start documenting things just in case I am cornered into "SHOWING HIM".
So I take everything I said back and agree with him putting on my smile and apologizing for the billionth time for something that I really shouldn't have.
What he does not realize is I do have proof.. the bit of information that I'd been holding onto for over a week. But I'm not ready to share. I still have an event the next day to get through and I know this information will end our relationship.
Back to my mantra... Just make it through the weekend... Just make it through the weekend.....
So what is this information I have? Well, I'm not exactly proud of how I got it but an exercise is being snoopy when doubts are flying is sometimes key in protecting ones stability. I snooped. That's right. I did it. My first time snooping into his phone and all I wanted was to be proven wrong. When he was at my house and sleeping I looked through his texts messages and I found some stuff that was rather upsetting so I took pictures of it.
The texts are from last week to and from a close female friend goes as follows......
(the first one is cut off but says something to effect of "what are you doing tonight") 7:22pm
Nada lot. You? 7:38pm
Hopefully You 7:40pm
I got no response :( 8:03pm
Ok well let me know if you are home and down 8:21pm
Where did you go 10:09pm
On my way 1:15am
So where are you 1:20am
On my way 1:28am
I'm not at home 1:38am
So how does 4:30 sound to you? 1:19pm the next day
(2 days later)
Hey cutie what are you up to tonight? 6:37pm
in san fran 6:39pm (at my house btw)
Well poo on you 6:41pm
I am having surgery tomorrow just wanted a friend to hangout with 6:43pm
I don't really know what all these texts mean but I do know they are from the same exact female friend that he refused to answer in front of me. Someone he claims to have not seen in over a year... ugh (changing his answer).. ugh he didn't really know but a long long time. Suspicious? Umm YEAH and not only that these texts are totally inappropriate being in a committed relationship! But I bite my tongue knowing I have a long day the next day and really don't need any drama.
Well after my event I was a little tipsy and we got into again. He said I needed to prove it to him so I did. I pulled out my camera and started reading the texts off. He instantly said that I had crossed a line and we were over. To pack up my stuff in the morning and leave. When I woke up he gave me until 11am to vacate his apartment or he would call the police.
So we are done. Over over over.
So I did make it through the weekend... our relationship or what was at least left of it did not.
We have broken up many times before (it's one of his fav threats!) but this time it is for real. I had some information about his behaviour that I knew would be the end all if he knew I knew... .. Well.. I couldn't keep it in anymore and now he knows I know and we are done. No turning back.
This weekend was a whirlwind of every problem we have ever had packed into 5 days of sucking it up to get through my events. Well.. t-minus 1 minute post the last event I blew a gasket. I divulged some peices of this information that I knew and it was over. It was hard to keep it all in so that my work environment would run smoothly.. It felt like when a women is in labor and the baby's coming and there's not turning back. It was time.
Prince has a habit of secretly texting and hiding things on his computer. If I need to use his computer he'll either put me on a "spaces" page that he never uses or clears his private data and history before he hands the computer over. He has an addiction to dating websites that we had tried to get a handle on.... he just got smarter about which ones he chose to sign up with and deleted all the accounts I knew about. I knew it was still going on but I keep chanting that ignorance is bliss as long as he's not communicating with anyone. But honestly.. how would I know.
So we went to dinner one night and we had a heart to heart where I explained to him how hurt I was when he logged onto one of these sites in his living room while I was sleeping in his bed, another time in my kitchen when I was taking a shower at MY house, the times he would log on 20 mins after dropping me off at the airport and most importantly when we were fighting about my age and having children he signed up for a new website seeking women between the ages of 22-28. It wasn't confrontational.. just polite chit chat about our past as he was telling me how much he loves me and how he doesn't feel like he has to sacrifice himself for me and how far we've come.
So I just threw it out there "Well I would hope that we are past the dating website stuff".. ..... ...... um yeah.... he started laughing and nuzzling me saying "oh yeah... yeah of course.. haha"
Obviously we are not past the dating website stuff.
So the next day his text message alerts are going off all day. He won't check his phone in front of me but rather waits for me to be in a different aisle at the grocery store or on the other side of the car or and then quickly looks and responds. I'm really annoyed by this. I don't like secrets. He knows it looks suspicious when he does this. This is something that we have talked and talked and talked about.
So then later in the evening his phone rings and he refuses to answer it in front of me. A short time after that he goes to the laundry to put the clothes in the dryer and sneakily swipes his phone to take downstairs with him (It was not in an obvious place for him to grab it) So I tell him immediately that it is OK to take his phones calls in front of me and that it's WEIRD when he hides shit like that from me! We get into an argument about me being nosy and that I "better have solid proof that he is doing something bad before I accuse him of it!"
He's a big "show me" guy. If you can't SHOW HIM then it does not exist or never happened. Since I always have to PROVE what I am talking about or shut the fuck up, I had taken it upon myself to start documenting things just in case I am cornered into "SHOWING HIM".
So I take everything I said back and agree with him putting on my smile and apologizing for the billionth time for something that I really shouldn't have.
What he does not realize is I do have proof.. the bit of information that I'd been holding onto for over a week. But I'm not ready to share. I still have an event the next day to get through and I know this information will end our relationship.
Back to my mantra... Just make it through the weekend... Just make it through the weekend.....
So what is this information I have? Well, I'm not exactly proud of how I got it but an exercise is being snoopy when doubts are flying is sometimes key in protecting ones stability. I snooped. That's right. I did it. My first time snooping into his phone and all I wanted was to be proven wrong. When he was at my house and sleeping I looked through his texts messages and I found some stuff that was rather upsetting so I took pictures of it.
The texts are from last week to and from a close female friend goes as follows......
(the first one is cut off but says something to effect of "what are you doing tonight") 7:22pm
Nada lot. You? 7:38pm
Hopefully You 7:40pm
I got no response :( 8:03pm
Ok well let me know if you are home and down 8:21pm
Where did you go 10:09pm
On my way 1:15am
So where are you 1:20am
On my way 1:28am
I'm not at home 1:38am
So how does 4:30 sound to you? 1:19pm the next day
(2 days later)
Hey cutie what are you up to tonight? 6:37pm
in san fran 6:39pm (at my house btw)
Well poo on you 6:41pm
I am having surgery tomorrow just wanted a friend to hangout with 6:43pm
I don't really know what all these texts mean but I do know they are from the same exact female friend that he refused to answer in front of me. Someone he claims to have not seen in over a year... ugh (changing his answer).. ugh he didn't really know but a long long time. Suspicious? Umm YEAH and not only that these texts are totally inappropriate being in a committed relationship! But I bite my tongue knowing I have a long day the next day and really don't need any drama.
Well after my event I was a little tipsy and we got into again. He said I needed to prove it to him so I did. I pulled out my camera and started reading the texts off. He instantly said that I had crossed a line and we were over. To pack up my stuff in the morning and leave. When I woke up he gave me until 11am to vacate his apartment or he would call the police.
So we are done. Over over over.
So I did make it through the weekend... our relationship or what was at least left of it did not.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
"I will contact you when I contact you"
The words that were angrily spoken to me over the phone last night before I was told to "shut the fuck up"
Prince Charming is exercising his right to deny my existence. An exercise of control. "What I said is how it is. DONE"
So... I patiently wait for contact.... not to push or ask for communication because that would upset the Prince and the Monster would come out and attack me.
I can't have that happen. I have to drive down to stay with him tomorrow for work. Interestly enough this is a pattern that is always transparent and obvious yet no easier to deal with each time it happens. Whenever I am somehow dependent on him he "exercises" some "right" and puts me in a corner where he then puts demands on me. If the demands aren't met we go down the same vicious spiral again. He threatens to leave me... I try to hold the balls I used to have.. I give in cause it's easier to meet his demands temporarily and calm the monster down.. all so I can get through whatever it is that I have committed to that involves me being (even just slightly) dependent on him. He has threatened to leave me twice in the past 4 days....
Christmas at the cabin with his family 2009- he blew a gasket the night before threatening to leave me because I wasn't "good enough for him". Plane ticket bought and family expecting me. I went feeling like I had a gun to my head. I had committed to see his family and if I didn't show up we would never speak again. If I went I would have to suck it up and put on that smile. I obviously chose the latter and it was the most heinous Christmas ever!
Work Meetings where his uncle lives- My business partner and I had meetings out of town and his uncle lived in the area (who I rather like BTW) so we planned to stay with him. He's quite a lonely man and I knew he would enjoy the company. The night before he told me how his uncle doesn't trust me. He didn't just say "Uncle L doesn't trust you". He went on a tirade about how terrible I am and at then end stated very seriously with great concern and anger that "Uncle L didn't TRUST me" repeating it over and over again until it was very clear that UNCLE L DOES NOT TRUST ME! This is a serious accusation for me. I have done absolutely nothing for Uncle L to not trust me. It was SO awkward when we showed up at his house that we were happy to have to go to work all day. We contemplated staying at a hotel.. but I knew this would offend Uncle L regardless of what Prince Charming has said. Uncle L is very sensitive and I was NOT going to be THAT person. And even if I had.. it would again be the nail in my coffin that would end in us never talking again. So I sucked it up and smiled. Luckily they had quite a few drinks while we were gone and the tension had gone away.
I can give examples of this behavior any and EVERY time that I have some dependency on him to complete something that is important to me in my professional or private life.
I know this sounds silly but it's pretty serious. I do have the choice to stay at a hotel for my work tomorrow... and I've contemplated it many times. IF I were to do that... we would never speak again. He would leave and I would never hear from him or see him again. Harsh. Giving up a long term friendship and knowing I would never have that person in my life again even as a friend scares me.(we've know each other for 20 yrs and been very close for over 5)
So I guess the lesson here is don't put myself in the situation EVER again to be any way shape or form dependent on him while I figure all this other stuff out.
My Mantra : Just get through the weekend... Just get through the weekend....
Prince Charming is exercising his right to deny my existence. An exercise of control. "What I said is how it is. DONE"
So... I patiently wait for contact.... not to push or ask for communication because that would upset the Prince and the Monster would come out and attack me.
I can't have that happen. I have to drive down to stay with him tomorrow for work. Interestly enough this is a pattern that is always transparent and obvious yet no easier to deal with each time it happens. Whenever I am somehow dependent on him he "exercises" some "right" and puts me in a corner where he then puts demands on me. If the demands aren't met we go down the same vicious spiral again. He threatens to leave me... I try to hold the balls I used to have.. I give in cause it's easier to meet his demands temporarily and calm the monster down.. all so I can get through whatever it is that I have committed to that involves me being (even just slightly) dependent on him. He has threatened to leave me twice in the past 4 days....
Christmas at the cabin with his family 2009- he blew a gasket the night before threatening to leave me because I wasn't "good enough for him". Plane ticket bought and family expecting me. I went feeling like I had a gun to my head. I had committed to see his family and if I didn't show up we would never speak again. If I went I would have to suck it up and put on that smile. I obviously chose the latter and it was the most heinous Christmas ever!
Work Meetings where his uncle lives- My business partner and I had meetings out of town and his uncle lived in the area (who I rather like BTW) so we planned to stay with him. He's quite a lonely man and I knew he would enjoy the company. The night before he told me how his uncle doesn't trust me. He didn't just say "Uncle L doesn't trust you". He went on a tirade about how terrible I am and at then end stated very seriously with great concern and anger that "Uncle L didn't TRUST me" repeating it over and over again until it was very clear that UNCLE L DOES NOT TRUST ME! This is a serious accusation for me. I have done absolutely nothing for Uncle L to not trust me. It was SO awkward when we showed up at his house that we were happy to have to go to work all day. We contemplated staying at a hotel.. but I knew this would offend Uncle L regardless of what Prince Charming has said. Uncle L is very sensitive and I was NOT going to be THAT person. And even if I had.. it would again be the nail in my coffin that would end in us never talking again. So I sucked it up and smiled. Luckily they had quite a few drinks while we were gone and the tension had gone away.
I can give examples of this behavior any and EVERY time that I have some dependency on him to complete something that is important to me in my professional or private life.
I know this sounds silly but it's pretty serious. I do have the choice to stay at a hotel for my work tomorrow... and I've contemplated it many times. IF I were to do that... we would never speak again. He would leave and I would never hear from him or see him again. Harsh. Giving up a long term friendship and knowing I would never have that person in my life again even as a friend scares me.(we've know each other for 20 yrs and been very close for over 5)
So I guess the lesson here is don't put myself in the situation EVER again to be any way shape or form dependent on him while I figure all this other stuff out.
My Mantra : Just get through the weekend... Just get through the weekend....
Wish I had started this years ago.... Or at least 3 weeks ago when I was locked out of a hotel room at 3am.
So. I am currently in a severly emotionally abusive relationship. I am starting this blog to sort through the confusion, manipulations, verbally abusive statements and emotional traps that I experience from day to day to day to day and today. Hopefully I will be able to fit my puzzle pieces back together and find the strength to stop this insanity.
I wish I had started this years ago. I guess now is better than never.
I wish I had started this years ago. I guess now is better than never.
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