Forgive them Father for they know not what they do.

I have been throwing around the idea of Forgiveness in my head for the past few weeks.

I had watched this TV show about a man whose son shot him and his wife in the head multiple times. The father survived. He was filled with pure hatred for his son for the next several years until he made a decision.... He could either live with this intense anger which was making his life miserable or he could forgive. He chose to forgive.

The Princes actions and all the reasons for the demise of our relationship are painful memories for me. Emotional abuse is a tricky beast. The severity of emotional wounds are hard to gauge for the outsider. They are very personal to the individual that suffers from them and can be extremely painful and confusing due to the impossible nature of documenting the injury. They are not physical bruises that you can take pictures of and show to people that can empathize with physical pain. They are complex in nature and can have devastating effects on ones perception of themselves and their world.

The Prince devastated me over and over again knowingly doing things that he knew were going to cause me emotional pain. Things that I had made very clear to him how much it would hurt and how devastated I would be if he continued many of these behaviors. There was nothing I could do to stop him. I begged and pleaded for him to stop and try to empathize with myself and others about the way his actions effect the people around him. I do not think he is capable of empathy. There is something in his psyche that does not allow him to share that particular emotional human experience.

This had always made me sad while we were just friends, in our relationship and even now.

Once on iChat while him and his soon to be ex were trudging through their breakup he put her on speaker phone while she was hysterically crying. He sat on the other end of the camera smiling at me as if he was showing me a funny youtube video. I was so appaulled by this I abruptly told him I wanted no part of it and hung up the iChat call. I felt bad for her. Humiliated for her. I was in disbelief that someone could be so cruel with another persons pain.

I am sure he has done similar things to me during our difficult moments together.

Similarly after our last break up he contacted multiple of our mutual friends trying to spread slander me to anyone that would listen. These are people he never talks to. One of our friends actually contacted me very concerned about what he had told her about my mental health. She struggles with real mental hardships and was told that I struggled with the same ones. I don't and I was horrified that he would take something that someone REALLY struggles with and use it against me. I was disgusted with the insensitivity and selfishness of the entire situation! It truly made me see him in a new light. A very dark light. I apologized to her on his behalf.

The reality is that I don't think he even realizes what he is actually doing. He truly has no concept of the human experience as a normal caring empathetic person would. Very similar to someone with Autism having no concept or understanding of sarcasm. I don't think he understands how deeply he effects people or how he projects himself onto the world.

I am a very emotional person that empathizes with the world pretty intensely. Maybe it's because I'm a mother? Or maybe it's just an inherent trait that I have. I don't like people to hurt. I don't like to hurt people. When people are hurting I feel compelled to do whatever I can to help them feel better. When I hurt people I hurt myself and feel the need to fix it. For whatever reason he does not possess this quality. His world is about him.

That's who he is.

I am hurt. I have been betrayed. I have been emotionally abused by this man and I'm not asking a lot from him. All I really want is acknowledgement of the behavior and a sincere apology. This is absolutely impossible if he does not recognize how he actually behaves.... so I am left with a choice. Hang on to my hurt and anger or forgive.

I wrote this about two months ago ,

"If you will not admit to your faults and indiscretions in your waking life may you suffer nightmares bleeding with the emotional woes you have forced onto others and on your death bed may you plead for forgiveness only to hear silence."


That is pure hatred.  I have such a great life full of great people why would I hold onto such disdain when I could be enjoying the positive parts of my world?  Why would I keep my heart locked up with this emotion when I could be opening it up to someone who will truly embrace all the love that I have to share?

I truly loved this man and I wish he could have opened himself up to receive the abundance of love that I offered to him.  I feel very sorry for him that he did not get to really experience how I felt about him and everything I actually did for him... how deeply in love I was.   It's a shame and he doesn't even realize it.  He doesn't even know what his actions have done and what he has lost.

I will attempt to practice this "forgiveness" and open my heart up again.  Maybe I will find someone who will share my core values and truly embrace me.

Forgive him Father for he knows not what he does.

Free in NYC

I feel so relieved to be out of that abusive controlling relationship. Just got home from a seriously stressful long but awesome trip from New York for a fundraiser and Board retreat. If I was still in that living hell the trip would have been entirely different for me. I feel so lucky that my chains were severed so I could enjoy the people I spent the week with without added drama and rules.

Oh the rules. So many rules! I felt free and I did what I wanted without having to ask permission or constantly check in with someone to make sure "they" were ok.

Ahhhhh..... Feels good.

Still accepting apologies.

Circus of silence down at our feet
Paper cut tigers starting to bleed
Hang from your tightrope above the mess
Just say you're sorry, no more no less
Words you won't use, you don't feel them like I do
Show will be over soon

It's not the curtain closing causing us to call it a day
I want to walk away too
But I want you to say you are sorry
I'm not the one who went and made a mistake
I want to walk away too
But I want you to say you are sorry

I used to believe that the storybook's true
Now I don't need it, at least not with you
So if you see him, the man 'neath the mask
Tell him I'm leaving and not looking back
Words are no use, you don't need them like I do
Show will be over soon

It's not the curtain closing causing us to call it a day
I want to walk away too
But I want you to say you are sorry
I'm not the one who went and made a mistake
I want to walk away too
But I want you to say you're sorry

I want the one word that you refuse to say to me
You're so good at giving me responsibility
I wash my hands clean and let you watch me as I go
I'm sorry for you, just so you know

It's not the curtain closing causing us to call it a day
I want to walk away too
But I want you to say you are sorry
I'm not the one who went and made a mistake
I want to walk away too
But I want you to say you're sorry

Beware the false motives of others.

So the Prince decided to contact me today in the form of a sassy comment to my last sassy blog post.  Why?  Who knows.  One particularly interesting coincidence is that our abuse cycle was about three months long and it's been about three months since we've had contact.

Let's go over some of these posts.

Anonymous said... 

"I haven't read your blog. I read parts of it, at least until it gets so far out into outer space it doesn't make sense anymore. Most of it are pieces of our past, but by no means an accurate account of what actually happened. Just pieces of a puzzle that you've arranged in a way to make me out to be a horrible person in your life. "Piecing my Puzzle" is a great way to say "Making up my own story" though. Nice one!"

Obviously he's reading only what he wants to read OR once the reality of what actually happened doesn't fit into his fairy tale memory he had a mental block that does not allow him to see how truly hurtful and abusive he really was to me.  If what I write makes you look like a "horrible person" in my life it's because what YOU DO makes you look like a "horrible person" in my life......

I am still accepting apologies.

Anonymous said... 


"BTW no need to post names at 2am."

This is true.  I had originally put up his name... mind you for the first time in the lifetime of this blog and I took it down as soon as a I could.    I never intended to use his real name in this blog so I remedied the mistake.  Sorry about that Prince.  Won't happen again.

This is not a hate fest... It's a means for me to unravel the manipulations that I have endured for years.  A documentation of things that I experienced that I can refer to when I get caught up in the spider webs of years worth of mind games. I have many many knots to unravel.

Anonymous said... 





"It’s unanimous; I definitely dodged a bullet when I broke up with you. I don't care whether your friends and family think I'm attractive or not, that's lame of you to say that. Once again I've wasted my life engaging in another dialogue with you. signing off."

Unanimous.   Hmm..  By who?  All of the friends I was never allowed to meet that know nothing about me except the slanderous information the Prince gave them?  Their opinions are of no consequence to me.

Let's get one thing straight here.  The Prince did not break up with me.  I was trying to leave for weeks before we had our final blow out.  I started this blog a week before we broke up so I could have some clarity when I did pull the plug.  I did not want it to be a big blow out and I did not need any drama while running events blocks away from his house.  You can even read in my second post about how I was thinking about staying in a hotel but didn't want to have the drama that it would cause ultimatley effecting my events.  I actually didn't make the decision to stay with him until I was down the street from his house.  It was that hard of a decision to make.

I was trying to find some peaceful ground so we could still be friendly after the fact.  Why did the big blowout happen?  I spent three days in a living hell with him where I had to not only play his stupid games to get through the weekend of my events but also suck up any dignity I had, let him go off on me and force me to apologize for stuff that didn't even happen just to keep the peace for the last few days.  I had swallowed so much pain at that point that as soon as the last piece of inventory was put back into my car I WAS DONE!

Let's go over a list of things that happened over those few days.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and it's hard for me keep secrets.  Thursday night while I was yes intoxicated... it slipped out.  I told the Prince that I was not sure if I wanted to do this with him anymore.

Friday ALL DAY he was secretive about text messages and phone calls to the point where he would sneak down to the laundry room to make a call.  Sneaking to other grocery store aisles to send his secret texts... and entire day of this crap.  When I told him that this behavior made me uncomfortable and I would prefer he just act normal he lost it!  Told me if I didn't have solid proof to not accuse him of?  I dunno of what?  I wasn't accusing him of anything at that moment.  I was asking him to stop acting weird and secretive.....  So I forced myself to apologize even though I had done nothing wrong.  I let him bitch me out and I took the blame.  So frustrating because I knew I had the pictures of his booty call texts and sex websites.  But I sucked it up knowing I had one more event to get through.

At dinner we had a DMT out in front of the restaurant where he went from saying to me "I really feel like I don't have to change for you".. to "I think about cheating on you when I'm mad at you"  then onto teling me about all of his alias's while not allowing me to see his stack of credit cards with different names on them!  I told him if I'm not allowed to know something about your life DON'T talk about it with me!  Games games and more games!

We later had another DMT where I discussed with him that I felt like he emotionally and verbally abused me.  This is a conversation that I had had with him maybe 4 or 5 times since April.  He seemed to have listened but was quite intoxicated.  Obviously heard none of what I said anytime we had that conversation.

Saturday came and I ran the event with him.  He is always very helpful during my events.  But still acting strange with his phone.

You have to realize that I had spent years having to deal with all of these stupid behaviors.. I was at my whits end!

These are all emotional games and traps that he set up for me.  I WAS DONE!   Car door closed,  he yelled at me the night before to give him proof... That's exactly what I did.  Bee-lined it back to his apartment to SHOW HIM exactly what he has done.  These things hurt me to my core and he knew it.

I wish I had handled it better but there is only so much a person can take.

Now how about this last statement he says..."Once again I've wasted my life engaging in another dialogue with you. signing off."

Seriously?  It's MY FAULT you contacted me today?  It's MY FAULT that you wasted time trying to start a DIALOGUE with me?!?!  What "DIALOGUE" is he talking about?  His first snooty comment stating,  "Well.... I'm glad to hear you're thinking about me :) " ????????!?!?!?

That is just a snooty comment to a snooty blog post!  That is no "DIALOGUE".  I didn't ask you to post a comment on my blog today?!

Putting the responsibility on me again.  It's all my fault.  Stupid.

All of these stories are already written in the bulk of this blog.. most in more detail than here.  The end is that I wanted out... I was trying to do it peacefully but was thrown into a corner of master manipulations and emotional and verbal abuse.  He lives in his pretty world of make believe where he is the victim and holds no responsibility what so ever for the things that happen in his life.  If it helps him sleep at night and get through the day... more power to him!  Why he does this in all of his relationships and other aspects of his life?  He will only be able to figure that out when he chooses to reveal reality to himself.  For now his motives will be unknown to us and him,

  All I know is that I will not be caught up in the web of lies deceit and emotional manipulation any longer.

My mom hates you too Prince Charming.

And I've been told a lot lately by friends and family that you are unattractive.

Can't wait til this haze of manipulation has passed and  I can see as clear as they do.

Men who lack conscience will even lie to themselves

Just like a stated in my post "Emotional Trap/Control Game : Operation Broken Ribs"
there were many instances where the Prince would think something was going on... react about it... dwell on it and then believe it so much that he would turn it into his reality.

I never knew what it was about me being in a weakened state that made him become so aggressive to me but it happened all the time.  Almost like he couldn't handle being my support during an emotionally rough patch so he would see me as defective and push me away.

The example about me taking the pain meds is a good example of this behavior.  He was SO convinced that I was being a crazy bitch because I was on pain pills that he yelled at me, called me names, hung up on me and shut me out for almost a day.  What actually happened was The second I told him what the doctor said about the x-rays he became emotionally aggressive to me and made up this story and used it against me pushing me away and shutting me out.  I was NOT on my pain meds.   I was not going to take my pain meds that night because I had a couple glasses of wine and the pills have acetominophen in them.  I will NOT drink on acetominophen.    But it didn't matter what the truth was.  Once he decided that I was on pain meds it was over.  GAME OVER!  In his reality I was fucked up on drugs and being a bitch and there was NOTHING I could do to make him see the reality. 

This happened often.

Our First Break-up
The first time we broke up he blames it on ... again.... me being on a pill and acting crazy.  This is not what happened at all.  We were already having problems that stemmed from his dating website accounts and compulsive lying.  We had only been dating three months and It was already getting ugly.  I have written that he is a "show me" guy and an expert at emotionally manipulating me off the subject at hand and railroading any discussions to turn it back onto me and defocus the "issue".  This type of treatment can become very confusing to the person it is directed towards.  I was confused.  I started writing a diary much like this blog to try to figure it all out.  I had notes about times and dates he would log into dating websites that I knew about and other information that would help me see what was really going on.  I am a data taker.  I studied science for 15 years.

We got into an arguement that night and he attempted to railroad me so I pulled out the book and showed it to him to SHOW HIM that what he was saying was incorrect.  He was busted.  He packed up his bags, walked out of my house with no discussion and didn't talk to me for over 5 months.  He had made up his mind that I was psychotic when in reality I showed him proof that what he was thinking was not reality.    He still believes this story he made up about me being crazy on pills.

The Monster:
I ended a 20 year long best friendship with someone who I will call "The Monster".  We starting butting heads and she has a habit of slandering people close to her.  She has burned bridges with every close old friend she has ever had and I was the last to go.  That's all.  It was time to let that unhealthy relationship go.

The Prince came after me one night stating that the reason why me and the Monster are no longer friends is because I caught her cheating on her boyfriend with another woman, took pictures of it and tried to sabotoge and blackmail her with them.  WHU?!  Never happened.

I don't even know how he came up with this one! He doesn't even know this person!

But you can see how creative he is!!


Hotel room:
 He started a fight because I wanted to go back to the hotel room where he eventually locked me out because he THOUGHT I was upset at him looking at a girl.  Never happened.  I was tired and wanted to go rest.

For the detailed story.... Please refer to I Deserved This.

"He knows me":

I heard this from him ALL THE TIME... ,"I know you and......"  fill in the blank with an insane story that seriously came out of left field.. some of these "I know you" stories were so strange it was actually scary!  Accusing me of things that not only never happened but he was not even around or knowing of any part of the situation!

Example:  One of the last ones he said was "I know you and you broke up with lots of boyfriends like this like George and Greg"

WOAH!!!!!  George and I had a decent break up with a pretty calm decision to not date anymore and we even hung out for the month following completing plans that we had made before the break up... and Greg?!  He begged me to come to Indiana with him so we could marry !!  It was a very difficult time between us while I made the decision to give up our love to keep my son in this area!!  WHU?!  He is comparing what to what?!  It's insane.

He used to tell me stories about myself that um.... NEVER HAPPENED!  But that doesn't matter.. As soon as he gets it in his head that something happened a particular way he 100% believes it.  Sometimes if he just says it enough he will 100% believe it.  Take the example of when he accused me of stealing his phone and texting Tiff and Brit!?  NEVER HAPPENED!!  He had just told enough people that that's how it went down that he 100% believed it!  Enough to tell ME about it!  It's CRAZY!!!

For the detailed story.... Please refer to ....and the crazy gets even crazier!!!!

He truly lives in his own delusional world.

Are you mad at me?

This is something I asked four plus times a day.   He was always mad at me for something.

When he is in deep thought he bites his upper lip and gets very quiet.  Whether his thoughts were about work or he was coming up with some reason to be mad at me I never knew.... so when I saw biting lip my knee jerk reaction was to ask "Are you OK?"  "Are you mad at me?" "Please come back to me"