I have been throwing around the idea of Forgiveness in my head for the past few weeks.
I had watched this TV show about a man whose son shot him and his wife in the head multiple times. The father survived. He was filled with pure hatred for his son for the next several years until he made a decision.... He could either live with this intense anger which was making his life miserable or he could forgive. He chose to forgive.
The Princes actions and all the reasons for the demise of our relationship are painful memories for me. Emotional abuse is a tricky beast. The severity of emotional wounds are hard to gauge for the outsider. They are very personal to the individual that suffers from them and can be extremely painful and confusing due to the impossible nature of documenting the injury. They are not physical bruises that you can take pictures of and show to people that can empathize with physical pain. They are complex in nature and can have devastating effects on ones perception of themselves and their world.
The Prince devastated me over and over again knowingly doing things that he knew were going to cause me emotional pain. Things that I had made very clear to him how much it would hurt and how devastated I would be if he continued many of these behaviors. There was nothing I could do to stop him. I begged and pleaded for him to stop and try to empathize with myself and others about the way his actions effect the people around him. I do not think he is capable of empathy. There is something in his psyche that does not allow him to share that particular emotional human experience.
This had always made me sad while we were just friends, in our relationship and even now.
Once on iChat while him and his soon to be ex were trudging through their breakup he put her on speaker phone while she was hysterically crying. He sat on the other end of the camera smiling at me as if he was showing me a funny youtube video. I was so appaulled by this I abruptly told him I wanted no part of it and hung up the iChat call. I felt bad for her. Humiliated for her. I was in disbelief that someone could be so cruel with another persons pain.
I am sure he has done similar things to me during our difficult moments together.
Similarly after our last break up he contacted multiple of our mutual friends trying to spread slander me to anyone that would listen. These are people he never talks to. One of our friends actually contacted me very concerned about what he had told her about my mental health. She struggles with real mental hardships and was told that I struggled with the same ones. I don't and I was horrified that he would take something that someone REALLY struggles with and use it against me. I was disgusted with the insensitivity and selfishness of the entire situation! It truly made me see him in a new light. A very dark light. I apologized to her on his behalf.
The reality is that I don't think he even realizes what he is actually doing. He truly has no concept of the human experience as a normal caring empathetic person would. Very similar to someone with Autism having no concept or understanding of sarcasm. I don't think he understands how deeply he effects people or how he projects himself onto the world.
I am a very emotional person that empathizes with the world pretty intensely. Maybe it's because I'm a mother? Or maybe it's just an inherent trait that I have. I don't like people to hurt. I don't like to hurt people. When people are hurting I feel compelled to do whatever I can to help them feel better. When I hurt people I hurt myself and feel the need to fix it. For whatever reason he does not possess this quality. His world is about him.
That's who he is.
I am hurt. I have been betrayed. I have been emotionally abused by this man and I'm not asking a lot from him. All I really want is acknowledgement of the behavior and a sincere apology. This is absolutely impossible if he does not recognize how he actually behaves.... so I am left with a choice. Hang on to my hurt and anger or forgive.
I wrote this about two months ago ,
"If you will not admit to your faults and indiscretions in your waking life may you suffer nightmares bleeding with the emotional woes you have forced onto others and on your death bed may you plead for forgiveness only to hear silence."
That is pure hatred. I have such a great life full of great people why would I hold onto such disdain when I could be enjoying the positive parts of my world? Why would I keep my heart locked up with this emotion when I could be opening it up to someone who will truly embrace all the love that I have to share?
I truly loved this man and I wish he could have opened himself up to receive the abundance of love that I offered to him. I feel very sorry for him that he did not get to really experience how I felt about him and everything I actually did for him... how deeply in love I was. It's a shame and he doesn't even realize it. He doesn't even know what his actions have done and what he has lost.
I will attempt to practice this "forgiveness" and open my heart up again. Maybe I will find someone who will share my core values and truly embrace me.
Forgive him Father for he knows not what he does.
No comments:
Post a Comment