I can't!
I believed these "things" I was told. The story that woo'ed me, the promises made daily... the hopes for a future. It was all empty! I'm beating myself up screaming "HOW COULD YOU BE SO EFFEN NAIVE!"
I was a good girlfriend. I gave a trememdous amount to the relationship. Maybe at times too much and slowly gave pieces of me away. 5 years ago I would have driven home if I had gotten locked out of a hotel room and never looked back. This time.. I bought a second room to sleep in, made sure I woke up early enough to cuddle with him and talk him down from his anger at me so we could go on with our day. What about MY anger?! What about MY saddness! What about anything I felt and thought.
He stated in an email a few days ago, "You were upset and I didn't know why. Up till that point you had been really nice and sweet to me all day. But when you were walking home yelling "shoot me now!" over and over, I knew the night had took a turn for the worst."
I was not nice. I was eating my emotions and biting my tongue for months. I guess I have learned how to do that well. Even if you look at that Friday when I asked him to just answer his phone and text in front of me because it made me feel uncomfortable that he was being so secretive all day... THAT turned into a huge fight about me accusing him of cheating.
I didn't accuse him of anything. I told him something he did and how it made me feel.
So, better say nothing at all. It won't be heard anyway. I had been doing this for months. The things I apologized for that I really shouldn't have, the things I let slide to avoid the next big argument, the verbal abuse and emotional pain that I ate on a daily basis to keep the calm.
On occasion over the past several weeks he would "let me talk" and I was always astounded calling my friends after telling them that he let me tell him how I feel!!! He listened to me! He obviously wasn't listening to anything I said. I brought up things like I felt like he was emotionally abusive to me and being verbally harsh calling me names, telling me to shut the fuck up regularly. I told him that I'm uncomfortable around his family because they speak so poorly about me and that I needed to be included in his social life. I didn't want to meet "all of HIS friends" at our wedding. I basically told him everything that I have been blogging about. I also told him that under these circumstances I would not marry him. I was begging him to stop this behavior that was tearing me apart. I thought he was opening up with me and finally hearing my voice. I don't think he heard any of it.
An old friend just wrote ,
"I did my best, tried to push through. Was even willing toput my feelings and pride aside for you. Now I am done and will return to who I really am. I’m done rolling over, I’m taking a stand!"
I've been so angry the past few days I haven't been able to cry... this put me into TEARS!!!
I'm definitely struggling with the last three parts. I'm empty and lost. I know this too shall pass but I'm having a hard time letting go of this dream I had with him. The one that woo'ed me and was promised to me while feeling stupid for believing any of it.
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