The words that were angrily spoken to me over the phone last night before I was told to "shut the fuck up"
Prince Charming is exercising his right to deny my existence. An exercise of control. "What I said is how it is. DONE"
So... I patiently wait for contact.... not to push or ask for communication because that would upset the Prince and the Monster would come out and attack me.
I can't have that happen. I have to drive down to stay with him tomorrow for work. Interestly enough this is a pattern that is always transparent and obvious yet no easier to deal with each time it happens. Whenever I am somehow dependent on him he "exercises" some "right" and puts me in a corner where he then puts demands on me. If the demands aren't met we go down the same vicious spiral again. He threatens to leave me... I try to hold the balls I used to have.. I give in cause it's easier to meet his demands temporarily and calm the monster down.. all so I can get through whatever it is that I have committed to that involves me being (even just slightly) dependent on him. He has threatened to leave me twice in the past 4 days....
Christmas at the cabin with his family 2009- he blew a gasket the night before threatening to leave me because I wasn't "good enough for him". Plane ticket bought and family expecting me. I went feeling like I had a gun to my head. I had committed to see his family and if I didn't show up we would never speak again. If I went I would have to suck it up and put on that smile. I obviously chose the latter and it was the most heinous Christmas ever!
Work Meetings where his uncle lives- My business partner and I had meetings out of town and his uncle lived in the area (who I rather like BTW) so we planned to stay with him. He's quite a lonely man and I knew he would enjoy the company. The night before he told me how his uncle doesn't trust me. He didn't just say "Uncle L doesn't trust you". He went on a tirade about how terrible I am and at then end stated very seriously with great concern and anger that "Uncle L didn't TRUST me" repeating it over and over again until it was very clear that UNCLE L DOES NOT TRUST ME! This is a serious accusation for me. I have done absolutely nothing for Uncle L to not trust me. It was SO awkward when we showed up at his house that we were happy to have to go to work all day. We contemplated staying at a hotel.. but I knew this would offend Uncle L regardless of what Prince Charming has said. Uncle L is very sensitive and I was NOT going to be THAT person. And even if I had.. it would again be the nail in my coffin that would end in us never talking again. So I sucked it up and smiled. Luckily they had quite a few drinks while we were gone and the tension had gone away.
I can give examples of this behavior any and EVERY time that I have some dependency on him to complete something that is important to me in my professional or private life.
I know this sounds silly but it's pretty serious. I do have the choice to stay at a hotel for my work tomorrow... and I've contemplated it many times. IF I were to do that... we would never speak again. He would leave and I would never hear from him or see him again. Harsh. Giving up a long term friendship and knowing I would never have that person in my life again even as a friend scares me.(we've know each other for 20 yrs and been very close for over 5)
So I guess the lesson here is don't put myself in the situation EVER again to be any way shape or form dependent on him while I figure all this other stuff out.
My Mantra : Just get through the weekend... Just get through the weekend....
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