"You are not well"

The last thing he said to me.

I am not well.  But not for the reasons he is stating.

I am boggled by this whole experience.  Years ago he contacted me, told me all these stories that woo'ed my heart and mind.   I had no intention or even thought of him dating or romantically.  But year after year this "love" story he told me seeped into every fiber of my body mind and spirit.

Once we were together physically the intensity was overwhelming but there was a major problem.  Our foundation was built on a platform of emotional cheating.

We had plans to get together while he was in a long term relationship.  He almost even bought a house with her while our emotional relationship was strong and alive.

We would do things write notes on scrap paper saying "I love you **** *****  Marry me"  and show them to each other on ichat while his partner was in their bed sleeping. 

Once he was single I told him to take some time and play the field before we started our time together.  He said, "No I know what I want and it's you"   I believed him knowing that he needed to heal from that relationship before anything positive could happen with us.  But I couldn't  resist.  My heart was that entangled in this awesome future we had planned.

Within a few weeks it was obvious that he was not ready for what I thought we had.  While talking to me on ichat about marriage he went onto another womans myspace and write ,"MARRY ME!!!!!!"  He would frequent the dating website constantly.  Some of his friends wrote some slanderous statements on with facebook page that were obviously about me laughing at me publically.

I was hurt and humiliated.  I had one version of commitment and love for the relationship.  He had a very different version.

My version doesn't exist.  It never existed.  I held onto it in my heart for years.  The physical intensity made me believe it was possible.  SO INTENSE!

So I am not well.   Something inside me allowed me to put up with all the emotional abuse, name calling, emotional cheating and manipulations.  Something allowed me to suffer through all of this for what?  A story.  A fantasy that was told me that i wanted so so bad.  A fantasy that just does not exist.


I allowed myself to be treated with such disrespect and threw my dignity out the window for a made up story.  Fiction.

I am not well.