My worst fears

The fear of losing Prince charming and of him emotionally cheating on me.  Obviously physical cheating is included but emotionally innapropriate relationships outside our relationship terrified me.  That's how our relationship started.   For years we had a very deep emotional relationship with hopes for a future while he was in a long term relationship so I knew it was a possibility that it would happen again.. this time to me.  It did.

Physical cheating you have a set period of time where you betray your partner.
Emotional cheating is an ongoing relationship that is deep and personal.  Usually includes future plans.
Put them together then you have a full on relationship.

He knew this fear existed.  Of course this fear existed!  And then the fear was a reality.

I am hurt, angry, confused, beating myself, SAD, PISSED, in disbelief, kicking myself, looking in the mirror and saying "DUH..." while still struggling with the "I deserved this" and "It's all my fault".

The worst part about all of this is that he knew this fear and it's like he toyed with it.  Constantly putting his secretive behavior in front of me... his constant threats to leave.  I AM SO HURT!  TO MY CORE!  And he doesn't even acknowledge it.  He acts as if I'm a crazy bitch and he's an angel.  This infuriates me!  I am pulling my hair out that he is playing the victim here!

I don't only know of one but two of these types of relationships that he currently has and has had throughout our relationship!  WTF!?!?! 

I need to let go.    I need to not care that he has turned it on me and is now "mad at me".  I just don't have the tools right now to do it.  He will always be like this.  Nothing will change.  We are at the absolute point of no return. There is no turning back!  It's done!  Why can't I let go?!


 One of my dear friends asked me the other day "Why do you love him".  My mind was blank.  This was odd because I used to be able to go off for hours telling him all the reasons why I loved him!  But that day.. nothing... absolutely nothing came to mind.  I asked my friend if I could think about it.

A few minutes later I realized that I was feeling sad and missing this love story he tells about us.  This love story that he woo'ed me with.   This love story that he tells to me almost everyday.  This love story that is so far from the reality of being with him.. but it's such a good story.   They could make a screenplay about it and it would be a blockbuster.  In fact we had talked about doing that!

So I am in love with a story.  A story that isn't close to reality.  How do I escape this fantasy that runs my emotions though?  I don't know how.  I'm stuck on the love story running through my head over and over again.  I just don't know what to do.