Did you really just say that?

That's what I was thinking last Friday when we were walking home from dinner and he stated, "I think about cheating on you when I'm mad at you."

WHAT?!  Did that seriously just come out of his mouth?

I had made it very clear what my boundaries were and what I perceived as a betrayal.   These are things that have the same effect as physical cheating to me.  Same raw emotions and physical reaction.  These are also things that are totally specific to this relationship based on our past.

Constantly Frequenting dating websites  (my stomach would drop to my toes)
Having an inappropriate emotional relationship with a woman outside our relationship and hiding them from me  (similar to how our relationship started when he was with his ex)
Physically cheating on me.  (that's obvious)

I absolutely know he has done 2 out the 3 and from the texts I saw and the statement above it seems the third one had been tackled or was planning on being tackled as well.

This is only one of many verbal outbursts he's thrown my way over the past several months.  All of them harsh and degrading and things that I really did NOT need to know.

I ponder why he continually did this to me.  To hurt me?  To make me feel weak?  To increase my desperation and fear of losing him so I would hold more tightly?  Control?  Or was it a hint that HE wanted out.

I suppose I will never know.

I've had some conversations with friends and acquaintances over the last few days and I've learned something that I hope sticks with me.   Everyone has a Prince Charming that they had to let go.  I relationship that had the highest highs they have ever experienced that came along with the lowest lows.

Many of these people I had spoken with are now happily married with children to men that are not so manic with their love.  They all surprisingly speak about their exes like it was still in their heads the most amazing love they have ever experienced but are happier with their more stable relationship that they just have not reached the same highs in.

It comforted me that they could move on, still remember the greatness of their past and be completely happy in another perhaps not so exciting relationship.

I will have to try this out.