An abusive partner will railroad discussions, so that you don't have time to think about what's right and what's wrong in their behavior.
Take a moment to consider these questions. Your partner might have behaved as though these things were okay, even though it's obvious that they aren't okay...:
Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?
-I was not allowed to express disappointment or unhappiness although after big blow outs he would tell me that all I had to do was talk calmly to him about it. Most attempts that I made were thrown back in my face by changing the actual subject that I brought up and flipping it on me. There is an example of that from my post about "Did I make it through the weekend".
Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?
-Oh man, this is a huge one. I have been called every name in the book including CUNT. He once told me that I'm too old to start a family with him (I can't get my "shit" together in time for my eggs to be viable for us to start a family) so he's going to search for a younger woman..... Which he did. He signed up to a new dating website looking for women 22-28yrs old that week. He constantly told me bad things his family would say about me (when they had no reason to do so except if they are basing anything off of slanderous comments made by him), He constantly threatened to break up with me for every reason in the book... I'm not good enough, young enough, not successful enough, he can't see dealing with my bad behavior for the long term.. and on and on and on.
He just recently told me that he thinks about cheating on me when he's mad at me but I should be proud that he doesn't actually do it and that there is not enough "incentive" to move into a home together.
Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?
- I can't think of anything. He was pretty supportive on my out-goingness. He offended complimented me telling me that I get him to do things that he would never think of doing. Things as simple as riding to bus in his neighborhood, trying anything new. He liked that I took him out of his shell and we offen reveled in all the new things that I've gotten him to do over the years.
Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?
- In the 2.5 yrs that we dated I only met 2 of his friends who were male. I was not allowed to be his friend on facebook or myspace though he frequented the pages often. He would tell me negative comments his family would say about me making it unbearable and uncomfortable to be around them. He gave me a nickname when talking to his female friends. I was called "San Francisco" and they knew that if he said he was in "San Francisco" that I was around and he also told ME that he warned all of his female friends not to contact him while in SF as status updates on his facebook page when he would come to visit me. I really know nothing about his social life and often brought up that it's weird to think of meeting his friends for the first time AT our wedding.
He also demanded that I stop talking about our fights, issues, problems and anything else about our relationship with my friends and made a strong request to stop hanging out with my friend with whom I dated for a short spell.
Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?
- No the opposite. He actually gave me ultimatums about work. He threatened to leave me if I didn't find a job asap. I was interviewing but the market was hard. I got an offer that I decided to turn down.
Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?
- Not that I know of.
Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?
-This was a key element in our relationship. So key I even named it "Shutting me out". If he were to get mad or caught up on something (even as small as me being on an important phone call at the wrong time) he would run away and have no contact with me for hours, days, sometimes weeks. This would put me into a panic where I would try to get him to come back by apologizing or sending him sweet nothings for as long as it took. There was also this weird aspect that I just started rationally noticing a few months ago where we would be SOOOOO happy and things would be going well and then suddenly I was being "pushy" or "annoying" and he would back off and shut me out. It seemed like it happened if I gave him TOO much attention. So I was always on this yo-yo of HOW MUCH attention to give him.. Too little would cause him to freak out and too much would cause him to push me away. He also has manic highs and manic lows that come out of the blue. He would NEVER go see a doctor about it so I asked my psychiatrist about over the counter supplements for Bi-polar disorder. She recommended a few and told me what NOT to take (SAMe can have dramatic negative effects on a bipolar person). He took the supplements thinking they were good for his mind, heart and general health. I noticed a dramatic change in his mood swings and it was very obvious when he had not taken them. So I would just say... go on honey don't forget your supplements! I want you to be healthy!
Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?
- Sometimes. Especially when he was going home or I was leaving his house. Didn't want to leave him unsatisfied which would cause issues and arguements about his needs being fulfilled OR EVEN WORSE getting on a dating website or running to one of his secret flirtatious female freindships (like the one he had with me when he dated his last serious girlfriend)
Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?
- Constantly. Trapped emotionally and physically. An example of physical entrapment is in my post "I will contact you when I contact you" I was so petrified of losing him. If we ever broke up he would NEVER talk to me again. I still don't want that and am I'm still petrified of that. Even after our wouds were healed he would still want me completely out of his life.
His emotional traps were ingenious. One example: I can't accuse him of going onto a dating website unless I have solid proof... but if I printed his profile with login dates and times I was stalking him and crazy.
I have a billion example of feeling trapped.
Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?
-He kicked my bathroom door into pieces once after locking himself in my bathroom while I was trying to get him to come cuddle to sleep with me. He mad about something stupid and I was begging him to come to bed and we could talk about it in the morning.
Are you afraid of your partner?
-Yes. I was scared to do anything to upset him. I was scared of his threats to leave and would do anything to calm him down. These threats to leave really felt like a control mechanism. They were always followed with a "you need to change this" or "you can't do this" or "you need to stop this" and I would conform because of my fear of losing him.
That was heinous! I'll probably add to this when my mind is cleared if I remember more. I feel like I'm a complaining baby!
The Cycle of Abuse we definitely followed verbatum. This is the cycle that I was concerned about repeating yesterday.
The Process I am familiar with not only from the Prince but CEDU and Brent. I have underlined in bold everything that resonates with me only about Prince Charming.
THE PROCESS OF BRAINWASHING
(MIND CONTROL)
1. The brainwasher keeps the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place.(MIND CONTROL)
Your partner might control your finances, make plans for you, or not tell you what his plans areuntil the last minute. He may talk about you to others behind your back, to isolate you from them.
Your partner might have insisted that you stop certain social, hobby, or work activities. You might have gotten moved to a new location, farther away from your family and friends. Or you may have been asked (or told) to reduce or stop contact with specific supportive people in your life.
Verbal and emotional abuse creates these emotions, and they become stronger and stronger over time.
Your partner trains to you behave in ways that he wants you to behave. He gradually makes you feel differently about yourself, and erodes your confidence in yourself.
5. The brainwasher puts forth a closed system of logic, and allows no real input or criticism.
In other words -- What he says, goes.
And now for Characteristics. From what I know about the Prince I will underline in bold all characteristics that apply to him.
* He was verbally abused as a child, or witnessed it in his own family.
* He has an explosive temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments.
* Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous. They experience an intense desire to control their mates.
* His sense of masculinity depends on the woman's dependency upon him. He feels like a man only if his partner is totally submissive and dependent on him.
* Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people. Their primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with their wife/girlfriend.
* He has low self-esteem.
* He has rigid expectations of marriage (or partnership) and will not compromise. He expects her to behave according to his expectations of what a wife should be like; often the way his parents' marriage was, or its opposite. He demands that she change to accommodate his expectations.
* He has a great capacity for self-deception. He projects the blame for his relationship difficulties onto his partner. He would not be drunk if she didn't nag him so much. He wouldn't get angry if only she would do what she's supposed to do. He denies the need for counseling because there's nothing wrong with him. Or he agrees to get counseling and then avoids it or makes excuses to not follow through. He might not want her to get counseling because, he reasons, she wouldn't have any problems if she only turned to him.
* He may be described as having a dual personality -- he is either charming or exceptionally cruel. He is selfish or generous depending on his mood.
* A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others. He can be cool, calm, charming and convincing: a con man.
* The mate is usually a symbol. The abuser doesn't relate to his partner as a person in her own right, but as a symbol of a significant other. This is especially true when he's angry. He assumes that she is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other -- often his mother.
And Projections ARE valid. He would project ALL of this onto me everyday.
All I can say is WOW. I need a break.
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